black and white and read all over

A New home

2008-04-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I have decided to move. I have been reviewing the functionality of several different hosting solutions, and the one thing I really don't like about blogger is that I cannot dump all my entries. So after reviewing several, I decided to go with wordpress. I think alot of my various reads have transferred over there, so I decided to do so too.

I also changed my name. I came up with "black and white and read all over", because it was a joke I used to remember as a little girl. Whats black and white and rad all over? A newspaper! So I thought having the name would increase my readership. Well it hasn't. Not hat readership is everything, but I sure love getting those comments from you.

So please comeover and leave a comment, change your link if you link to me and enjoy my new home in the blogshere!

http://canyoncottage.wordpress.com/

Daylight Savings

2008-03-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

I really owe the blog a post. Work hads been crazy busy the last 2 weeks and I have been letting it get to me.

I started WW (weight Watchers) 2 weeks ago. And so far I have been doing ok. Lost a total of 5 pounds. So only 15 more to go. I really should be shooting for a total of 30 pounds instead of 20, but I have come to the decision that It is too much work to be and stay that thin. If I can get down 20 pounds I will be quite content.

Roscoe started acting very weird last night. I am not quite sure what it is, he is still in the same place this morning. Ate his meals but is refusing to take treats. Which it really odd since he loves his treats.

I really hate daylight savings time. I don't like it to be light until 8 or 9 in the evening. I like winter time and all the things that go along with it, rain, cold, blustery days and early evenings. Daisy will be happy since now it will be light enough to walk her in the evening after work. She is the only one happy about the upcoming summer.

So I have realized after living here one year today. That I need to watch my budget much closer. I have had to dip into my meager savings two times this year to make ends meet. On was at Christmas, which was my own fault and now this next time is this time of year with taxes, house insurance and other various once a year bills come due. I need to make a budget and stick to it.

Almost a Year

2008-03-01T11:39:00.001-08:00

I realized I hadn’t posted in a month. I think I let the “stuff” get to me more than I should have, and just kind of shut down. I didn’t want to whine here about it, but I had nothing else to really say.

So ok now its over. I think I am back on track. It’s a cloudy and drizzly Saturday morning; I am sitting here waiting for a plumber, low water pressure in the kitchen and a leaky shower. Wanted to take care of it on my home warranty before it expires in 10 days,.

Yes, I will be here in my home for a year very soon. It doesn’t seem like it has been a year, but I suppose time flies faster as you get older.

Last night I went to D’s son’s 16th birthday party. It was in the dugout club behind home plate of our local LA baseball team. Yes a bit excessive, very excessive, but I being the good girlfriend just nodded and came along, to help chaperone 40 teenagers and listen to rap and hip hop for 4 hours. The other 4 adults that were going to assist in the chaperoning were no shows, must of heard about the music choice, but fortunately there was also security guards,, so when some of the girls thought it would be fun to run around the field, all the kids outside were ushered back inside and banned from going out. I just sat and smiled, sipped my wine and ate my peanuts.

I got home after midnight and was pooped! The old lady that I am is not used to staying up that late, unless it is watching old movies in bed. I had to get up early for a Saturday since the plumber indicated he would be here between 8 and 12. It is now 11:35 and no sign of him. I am a little miffed since I would have loved to stay in bed a while, but oh well perhaps a nap is in my future.

Just Another Post

2008-01-30T18:59:00.000-08:00

This is just another post. I have been hiding out I suppose, although I hurt my back on my birthday last week and have been suffering with that, I went to the doc on Monday and she gave me some pain meds and said to stay home from work this week. Well of course that is close to impossible as I had several meetings. So I go into the office in the morning thinking I will leave early to go home and rest and take some meds, and of course it is almost impossible to leave, because of constant demands. I suppose I should have just said screw it and stayed home. But it’s a bad week to be home without anything to do.

I watched the movie Fast Food Nation on Sunday night. Bad move on my part. It was awful; I will never eat a hamburger again, and will probably never eat beef again. I was a vegetarian for years, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. Now I enjoy a nice rib eye and a big juicy burger. Well those days are gone. I am not going to go into the detail, but if you want to give up meat, watch the movie.

I am going to try and go to the cemetery on Friday; it will be 2 years since Natalie died. She is buried in her plot with her mother, and I have not put a headstone there yet. The problem is that I can only have one. Barbara’s is there and was designed by the kids; it has her picture etched into it. So I don’t want to get rid of it. However I can’t put 2 stones there, so I have 2 choices, add Natalie’s information to the bottom of Barbara’s stone... Or remove that stone and design one for the 2 of them. I would like to get this done; I think it will give me some peace. I wanted Jake and Candice to help me decide, Jake is not into it, and he is away at school. Candice said she would come with me if she wasn’t working, so at least I can get her input. I am inclined to just add to the existing stone, if there is room for her name, thee dates and line that reads “It’s all about the love”.

Birthdays

2008-01-20T11:41:00.000-08:00

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

We all make mistakes, right?

2008-01-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

I did a really dumb thing Thursday night. I am not quite sure what made me snap, but I did. I think it is everything that is going on, it being the month of anniversaries of the horrible things. So there was then the straw that broke the camels back. I'm not even sure what it was.

I totally bitched out Candice's boyfriend. They have been together over 2 years. They have had their rough patches, he came home with hickeys on his neck after being out with his friends once, drove home from his brothers at UCI so drunk that when he got to Candice's he passed out in her bed and urinated, I cant stand the way he treats his mother, whom he still lives with, he is 27. I could go on, but the icing on the cake was when he quit his job late last summer. It was his first real job out of college, he was there less thank a year. A graphic designer he thinks he should be working for some big fashion agency. MEH. Any how so he decides he is better than this place, doesn't like the commute he isn't getting paid enough so he resigns. Needless to say he is still unemployed. Had some part time work, one job Candice got him. One job through an agency.

Its been bugging me. No one told him what a bad decision he made. He came over shortly after he quit and asked me to help him with his resume. I told him that with 1 year of experience he would never even get an interview, so we had to fluff up the experience on paper to at least get his foot in the door. So we did. I spent alot of time helping him with that resume.

But something snapped on Thursday. And I looked at him and started to tell him what an idiot he was or leaving his job, how he is not as good as he thinks he is, how disrespectful he is to his mother, how my daughter deserved better than him, and how he needed to grow up and get his own place. I went on and said lots of things that I shouldn't have lots of things that are none of my business. He ranted back and said some awful things to me, Candice said he was defending himself. One highlight he told me was that I had never even seen his resume, I ask him if he forgot that I wrote it. Oh, but the agency he went to told him to take those things out. Well that's cuz they are marketing him now. He is such an idiot.

I think deep inside I know that if Candice marries this guy, it will be a life of hell. He has a drinking problem, she has even admitted that to me that he doesn't know when to stop. he has already had one DUI. He is disrespectful of his mother, bringing people over late at night to party (now that he is not working) when she has to get up the next day. Once they were at my house for a BBQ and she came into the kitchen and told me he had said she shouldn't be wearing what she had on because it made her look fat. This woman is not fat. Maybe I am trying to protect her.

I apologized. I told Candice I was wrong. She was upset because of what his mom might think of me now. We always did things together as a family, but as he pointed out to me during the tirade, I am not his family. She hung up on me and now is not speaking to me. She is all I have, my niece that I raised as my daughter. Her sister is dead, she is now my best friend. It is killing me that she is so angry with me. It is killing me that I couldn't keep my big mouth shut.

I was wrong, I know that. But I think all of it has been festering for several months. He is an arrogant kid, he needs a swift kick, I suppose I thought I should be the one. Well it was and is non of my business, and now I have alienated my sweet girl. I am sick. I haven't been able to do anything but mope.

I need a hug.

Its Sunday

2008-01-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

Its still raining here. We have had rain since Friday, much needed rain. Yesterday it remained cloudy and strayed dry until in the evening when it began to rain again. I like the rain, so I am not complaining, and we need the rain.

Took Jake to the airport yesterday and put him on a plane for home. I always feel so alone when he goes back to school after a break. Today is no exception.

Last night I went to a place called The Summit House in Fullerton fora birthday dinner with D and the Brat. Candice went too which was nice. There were 14 of us, it was a 90th birthday celebration for D's mom, who turned 90. She is amazing for her age. She looks 65 or 70, and is extremely alert and full of piss and vinegar.

I am really hungry for hamburger. So I am sitting here contemplating going out in the rain to do some grocery shopping, that is needed. Then driving through in and out for lunch.

As Time Goes By

2008-01-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to put up a post tonight. But I decided that I should, just because my mind has been whirring all day. With images and dialog about the last 20 years.

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death. The life changing event that brought me back to Southern California, and made me the mother of 3 children at the age of 35 overnight.

But as I thought more about it I realized that several life changing events have occurred over the years. The first being in 1986, my grandfather and father died and I made the decision to move to Lake Tahoe.

The second in 1996 when my sister died, and I had to come back and raise her three children, and the most recent in 2006 when Natalie died and my husband left me.

Here I am now. Its been a long trip.

I also started to convert my archives. Since I took down my other site My-Meadow, I have archives dating back to October of 2001. I want the whole history to be here. my life all in one place. Its neater that way. Don't you think?

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T15:55:00.000-08:00

Its hard to believe another year has gone by.

I apologize for not keeping up this past week of the holidays. I was downright ill! I started to get sick Christmas day, and by the 26th I was in bad shape. The doc said it going around and gave me nose spray, cough syrup and throat spray. Rest and fluids. Well after a week of it I am finally feeling semi-human again. It was a nasty bug. My throat still hurts.

I have to go back to the office on the 2nd. So I am hoping I feel lots better by tomorrow.

Christmas was quiet, I overcooked the prime rib. Pissed me off. Oh well. I was sick , and had an excuse.

Tonight it will just me Jake and I D and the brat. I am making some simple chicken cassarole and we will play games and Wii. Drink some champange and probably fall asleep by 10. At least I will!

Almost Christmas

2007-12-22T17:05:00.000-08:00

I picked up Jacob today at the airport. He arrived with a backpack of dirty clothes, claiming he forgot all the presents (gift cards) he got, and exhausted from staying up all night. He has this "problem". For some reason the night before he comes home he doesn't sleep. At first I thought it was because he was afraid he would not wake up and miss the shuttle, and he confessed originally that was the reason. But now he wakes up for classes, the alarm actually works, so waking up really shouldn't be a problem. But I think it might be anyway. As for the gifts, I really don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Just having him home safe for the holidays is gift enough. He promptly went out with all his buddies for Ramen. LOL!

I am making meatloaf, baked sweet potatoes and roasted carrots for dinner, I thought Jake might be home, so I wanted him to have some comfort food. I guess D will come over and help me eat it, and Jake will eat leftovers late if he can stay awake!!

I have not started wrapping gifts . I thank God for whomever invented the gift bag. Throw the gift in the bag, add tissue an viola! Its wrapped, no tape no scissors, nada. The only thing is this year I have several presents too big for bags. A Wii, a microwave, and a large box with a fancy pan with a lid. The rest should fit into bags. Hopefully I have enough bags or I will have to resort to wrapping.

Grinchy

2007-12-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

I am feeling extremely grouchy the last couple days. I have also had some pretty awful nightmares. Not sure if it’s the holidays, p.m.s., or just life. This year I decided to do nothing for the people at work. I exchange with 2 people here, have for years, so only did that. I used to take my whole staff out for lunch on my dime somewhere nice. But this year I just said forget it, it just seems like a lot of effort that not everyone appreciates. So Bah Humbug.

I think talking to my ex-husband on Monday night probably didn’t help my mood either. He is so nonchalant. Like nothing ever happened. Before he said good-bye he said well I guess I will see you on Sunday when I pick up Jake. Yea right in your dreams! It tortures me to see him, to talk to him. I didn’t want to be divorced; I don’t suppose he gets that. He might move to Hong Kong for a couple years for work, I say please go, the farther the better, less chance of ever having to run into you or talk.

I did finish my Christmas cards. I can’t believe I actually got through that exercise. So everything is done, one gift to buy menus to plan and shop for Christmas Eve and day, then all the gifts to wrap.

I have been giving Daisy her allergy shots very 4 days. It seems like they might be working. She is not licking her paws as much. I hope so, as she really seemed miserable for awhile there.

I am trying to keep up with this site a little more. I think it helps to keep me grounded.

A Noble Tree

2007-12-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

Well although the cold turned into a cough I managed to get a tree and "almost" finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Friday I left the house early to hit the Mall. By the time I left at noon, there was no parking to be found.

I was lucky. I went home with some Udon soup from Whole Foods, and took a nap.

Saturday Candice came over and we went ot buy a tree. All trees and tree stands were sold out at our first stop, out second stop priced the trees as you asked, slimey as far as I was concerned. So we scored a Noble Fir at the third place. I wasn't going to buy a noble, but this one called out to both of us. It was the tree. the first tree in the new house.

Here it is. Oh, and Sprocket too.

A cold

2007-12-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

Well I have come down with an awful cold. It was the worst on Wednesday and I stayed home from work and in bed. Today I have a lingering cough, that is requiring cough syrup. I took some at 4:30 am this morning so I could get back to sleep, and when it wore off I went and finished up all my, actually most of my, shopping. I still have to find a couple more things for D.

I am back at home now hacking away and took some more magic syrup. I am thinking if I don't fall asleep I will try and get to work on my Christmas cards.

Christmas Time is Here.....

2007-12-09T16:33:00.000-08:00

Notice the little face in the window? I took a photo of the front of the house with a wreath on it to put in my Christmas letter, and noticed that Roscoe wanted to be part of it.

Today I drug out all the Christmas boxes. I am having a hard time finding my Christmas dishes. I have a set of plates and a couple serving platters that are snowflakes I like to use during the season. I packed them during the move, and now I can't find them. I am bummmed cuz I have table cloths to match, and candle holders too. Maybe it was not meant to be. I bought them specifically because they were not to Christmasy, they were blue and white, the ex was Jewish, so it was nice not too have Santa's and stuff. Gee. I hope I can find them.

Got a bunch of shopping done too. Have a couple more on-line purchases and then a few things to pick up and then I have to shop for D and I will be done. He is very hard to buy for, he doesn't want anything, doesn't need anything.

So I am going to go work on my Christmas letter and hope I don't get to depressed writing. it.

Deck the Halls

2007-11-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

It is inevitable that this time of year the pressure begins. In the short weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas so much needs to be done. This year I am going to try and not wait until the last minute for much of it. My Holiday Newsletter and Christmas cards will get written and sent by December 9th (I hope), the tree will go up the following weekend (fingers crossed), and any shopping other than on-line will be accomplished also by 12/9 (yea right). I want to enjoy the time around Christmas and not be running around.

I'm pretty good about this if I write lists, then cross things off the lists. perhaps I can accomplish the impossible by the use of a simple list.

Next year I decided that presents should be given as good deeds done for others instead of materialist items. The kids were OK with it, they are old enough and compassionate enough after everything we have gone through to realize how much that type of giving means. I thought that a whole years notice on the changeover would be fair, since all these good deeds have to be done during the year to be given on Christmas.

To me all the commercialism during the holidays is such a turn off. Give me a pretty tree, a Christmas classic on TV or some carols, a drive though the neighborhood to look at lights, or baking some cookies any day over a bounty of presents under the tree.

Gobble Gobble

2007-11-26T20:30:00.000-08:00

Well the final count for thanksgiving was 19. I had a 27 pound bird. It was too much, but the school of thought ranges from 1 pound per person to 1 ½ pounds per person, even thought I had 2 vegetarians, I had 6 20 something and teenage boys who eat like there is no tomorrow, so I didn’t want to be running out of turkey.

It was more than enough; I had lots of leftovers for the next night and still have too much in my fridge. I will either have to throw it away or freeze what I can.

I am back at the office after a week off that was really nice. At least with Jake home I actually did stuff, and didn’t sleep all day. I accomplished enough during the week, including cooking for the mob, to feel like the rest I did get was warranted.

Been thinking about Nat a lot. Tonight the wind was blowing outside; when she was little she used to be afraid of the wind. If the windows or sliding glass was open while it was winding, as she called it, she wanted it closed and would close them. During the summer months in Tahoe it drove me nuts, but it’s winding Aunt Ann.

There were some very severe wind storms that would knock out power and trees that really frightened her. It lasted until she was an adult, and still unconsciously would shut the windows when the wind started blowing.

So goes the holidays. They will only get worse, Barbara’s birthday the 9th, then the holidays, Barbara’s death date 1/2, Nats 2/1. Not to mention all the holly and ivy in between.

Amazing

2007-11-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

I just want all of you to know, that knowing you are there is a tremendous help. A relief, seeing those comments helps me to realize that I' not alone, and I am normal.

This are busy now that Jake is home, and oh how nice it is to have him home. I have been more motivated in the last 2 days since he arrived, than in the last 2 months!

I've been making him home cooked meals, I hit the Farmers market with Candice and a couple other people on Saturday morning. That was fun, everyone was doing their Thanksgiving produce shopping, and yesterday I even went to the nursery, a project I have been putting off for months, to pick up some plants for a large planter in the front of the house. I was tired last night after buzzing around all day.

Today Candice is having her annual pre-thanksgiving thanksgiving. For the last few years, probably 4, she has had a party the day before thanksgiving at her little place. Usually about 20 people, a pot luck. But it is fun and cozy. This year she decided to switch the day since everyone is to hung over Thanksgiving morning (LOL) and some of her friends are going away for the holiday. This is much better, late afternoon today. So there won't be the after party down at the local watering hole.

Looks like I will be having 17 for Thanksgiving. Thats soo cool. The last years I see my family fall apart, yet somehow I created a bigger one.

I hope the blues don't hit when Jake goes back to school. I think I am just lonely half the time.

It's all surreal

2007-11-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

My Horoscpe today

2007-10-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.

Six years

2007-10-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

On October 14 it was my 6 year blogging anniversary. I meant to write that day, to talk about what has happened over that time, but I couldn't bring myself to rehash some of those events. And I can't now either. I will say that I have abandoned my-meadow.com, it will go offline on October 31st, and this will be my only site, other than Daisys blog. I will eventually attempt to convert the archives over, but I am not sure when that will happen.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2007-10-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

Fall, autumn, whatever you call it is my most favorite time of the year. The weather starts to change, the leaves start to fall, the evenings warrant a blanket, or a sweatshirt. In Tahoe I loved them even more. Brisk, windy, colors, frost, the smell of the fireplace. But I no longer live there, so I will have to learn to love southern California Fall. The owls start to hoot in the evening, I love this. At the other house, I could see them because of the view, roosting. When they would hoot, their little butts would push up, and they would lean forward and really get into it. I still have the image in my mind, so the sound is enough. The acorns on the oak trees fall, when the wind blows it sounds like hail on the roof! The big ring neck doves love them, so do the squirrels and the deer. I am fortunate to live in an area where I actually see more wildlife than I did in Tahoe. I wish it would rain.

BTW. I didn't so the boot camp. I talked t the trainer at length, I was worried about my bad knee which needs TLC in Yoga class. He didn't recommend it, but thought that a personal trainer 3 times a week could accomplish the same results. So now way right now. I will

Commitments

2007-10-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about doing this. It starts on Monday and it is from 6-7 Monday-Friday for 4 weeks. The program is actually 6 weeks, but I am signing up late. Actually I think I can stomach 4 weeks to start with, if it works and I like it I will do 6 more weeks maybe. I am kind of nervous; I haven’t committed to do anything like this for a long time, at least by choice. I think it will be good for me. Perhaps I will lose some weight, god knows I need to do that, and gain a little self esteem, and actually feel better once the soreness wears off, if it ever does.

Another Day

2007-09-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

I have not been writing much lately. Not sure what is up not motivated. I was in downtown LA for a few days on jury duty, actually got selected as an alternate on a 3 week trial, it was settled the first day. In a way I kinda wanted it to last the whole 3 weeks, it would have been a nice change of pace for me. I was riding the train into downtown, walking all over at lunch time. I had plans to visit the Cathedral, Disney concert hall, china town and Olvera Street during my lunch excursions. Ridng the train was so nice, and it dropped me off across the street from the courthouse! No stress from traffic. So my plans were erased, and I am back to the grind at work, with a bunch of idiots. Thank god my staff are at least good people.

I thought a complete change of pace for the time during the trial would be so good for me. I dd not have to leave for the train until about 8, so I could get up and walk in the morning. Explore a bit during the day, and ride the train home in the evening. I meet a couple of interesting people on the jury. A woman who was a library director for a college, a retired black guy from pasadena who was very nice. I was hoping to get to know them better. Oh well.

This possible experience kinda makes me wonder if I decided to take 2 weeks off from work and force some type of routine on myself that is different, how it might make a change for me. I mean I am such a recluse now. I mean walking to get coffee with the dogs every morning, perhaps exploring downtown on the train, or other local spots in the afternoon, I guess evenings will be the same. My worry is that I will take 2 weeks off and sleep the whole time.

Pathetic Again

2007-09-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

OK so I am feeling pathetic once again. I believe the last time I mentioned this was right after Nat died. I have been wanting to post. I have been writing posts in my mind. Sort of like blogging daydreams. But have not put it into real word on the screen for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will read. I am supposed to be OK now. Its been a year and a half since Nat Died, my husband left me, my divorce is final, as of May 21st, I have boyfriend, a house a job. So what is wrong?

I think I might be depressed. I am gaining weight, eating too much, drinking too much, sleeping too much. I have a list of things I need to do and no motivation. For a few weeks it was to hot to do anything, and I have been financially challenged. But things are better now. Weather is nice, my bank account is not double digits, I could plant my flower boxes and the pots on the patio, there is lots to be done.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't want to do anything. I am sad, lonely, disappointed, I want to sleep all the time. I need some motivation, some friends, some purpose.

Jake is back at school, Candice is too busy now to spend any time with me. For the last 10 years I took care of everyone, my kids my husband. Made their lives better. Now they are all gone, and my life sucks. I don't have anyone to take care of, no one to talk to , to cook for, to yell at, to remind to take their medicines, to pick up after, its just me and the pooches. Just me.

Middle of the week

2007-08-29T14:41:00.001-07:00

I took off today. My boss is out of town and I thought it might be nice to hang. I originally thought that D would also be off since he just got back from vacation, but he went back to work. One of my dearest friends, who was my maid of honor, that I had not seen for quite a while came over to see the house and go to lunch. Which was really nice, I needed to connect to someone, and it was perfect seeing her and catching up on things. She only lives about 30 miles away, but sometimes it seems like 10 times that.

We went to a little Greek place in town, she had Greek salad I had veggie sammie and a Greek side salad. It was good, we talked about divorces, she is going through one, and mine is finally over, gossip and the kids. I wish she was closer, she used to be my neighbor when I lived in Tahoe, that is how we met. I have known her for over 20 years.

I also took Daisy to get a bath. She has been itchy, and licking her paws alot. I hope that this will make her more comfortable.

Another Weekend

2007-08-24T11:41:00.000-07:00

So its Friday. Candice got back last week and she came over with her bf for dinner on Wednesday. It was good to see her, she had a fun time and got to experience both southern hospitality and the racism that is still rampant in areas of the US.

Today the Direct TV person is moving my receiver to my new den. Yes folks no more TV in the living room, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. I feel the living room/dinning room (mine is a combo)is for social interaction, and family time. If someone puts on the TV that ends quickly. If you want to watch TV, go to the den so everyone does not have to watch with you.

This stems from a variety of things. I hate watching the shows the kids used to watch, I would prefer quiet, and at the old house this is the way I set things up, but the house was huge and the den had built in everything for the TV and other components.

Here I have a spare bedroom that works as a small den. One whole wall is built in shelves which will be great for a flat panel once I get around to buying one (months from now I am sure).

I fit a love seat and 2 chairs in it, perfect for TV viewing. So the last thing to do was to have the TV moved. Well since that part of the house is built on a slab it has become a big project to get the cables for the Direct TV run there. He was under the house, now on the roof. Its gonna happen its just taking hours. Once the TV is installed I will set up the rest of the room. Have a couple of hours of stuff to do, then hang some pictures on the wall. Tonight I will be watching TV in that room. Not to mention it is on the NW corner of the house and is the coolest room in the summer time.

I am taking Daisy to a trainer this afternoon. She has issues when going for walks and seeing other dogs. So i am going to see what I can do to work on it. I think the main problem is Roscoe. He goes crazy then Daisy follows suite. We have pretty much confirmed this as yesterday walking Daisy with out Roscoe and things were much better.

This last week at work was really hell. My boss is a complete asshole. It is amazing what a thoughtless, lazy, jerk he is.

Lazy

2007-08-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the trellis in the backyard. I almost lost it during a big wind when a tree limb broke off onto it. The limb cost me $400 to cut off and remove, the trellis leans a little now, but was saved.

This weekend I have been fairly lazy. After last weekends busyness I supposed I earned it, but I still feel sorta guilty. I did my running around, my errands, even went to the farmers market. But both yesterday and this afternoon I took naps, nice long naps. I think it the oppressive heat outside, its humid, and I have no energy.

I'm bored, lonely, bordering on depression probably, but everyone left at the same time. Candice will be back next week, hopefully she will make time to see me. The boys won't be back until about the 30th, that's is a ways off.

I made my favorite summer salad last night. Tomaotes, curly peppers, red onion, cucumber, lemon and salt and thats all. I like to make it with all the ingredients fresh from the Farmers market. It was delicious and I at the rest for lunch today with half a turkey sandwich.

The vendor I buy everything but the tomatoes and the lemon from is only there from May to October or so. He is so nice a big Hispanic guy who makes big bowls of the salad while you stand there and puts it out with toothpicks for everyone to try. He makes a great business selling his produce. I buy my tomatoes from someone else, I like either beefsteaks or heirlooms. It's so nice to go there, to taste the freshness, peaches, nectarines, plums, it really is the highlight of my weekend. I also bought some late season sweet corn, lettuce, potatoes and some squash.
I had to go to Trader Joes to get the lemons since they are out of season.

The batteries in my camera died last week when I was trying to take a picture for this post. So no pictures of the new furniture in my little cottage until later. I like calling it a cottage Y! It totally fits, thanks!

Catching up Again

2007-08-12T10:22:00.001-07:00

It seems like things have been so busy over the last couple weeks. Maybe it is just me. I Have been exceptionally busy at the office, and in the evenings at home too. D has been over alot since the brat has been at camp. This coming week everyone leaves!

Monday Jake goes back to school. It happened alot sooner than I expected. Basically he wasn't supposed to leave until about th 18th, but because he is moving into an apartment, the EX has to move him because he has the truck. Well as you all know the EX was fired from his job a bit ago, and now is going to be doing some consulting for an old employer, but in India. So he has to leave for India on the 17th, which means Jake has to move up to school early. His classes don't even start until about the 27th.

Wednesday D and his son leave for a 2 week vacation, and Friday Candice leaves. She is going to Atlanta for a week with Teen Magazine. She is working for them now as an assistant stylist. So I will definitely be alone all at once.

Tonight Jake is having a couple friends over and we are all going to go out to eat. Not sure where yet. I am leaning towards Chinese, since it is fairly inexpensive for a crown of teenage boys. There will be 7 of us.

I bought new furniture for the house, now I need to get painting since nothing matches! I got a red sofa and 2 black and white flower print chairs, big puffy ones, for the living room. It looks so much better than my ultra modern stuff from the old house. This house is much more of a cottage, and the modern leather just did not look right. The couch was about to collapse anyway, it has these metal legs that were broken in the move.

I also bought stuff for the Den/TV room. A love seat and 2 chairs. I am having Direct TV come out to move the set up, no no more TV in the living room. That is a pet peeve of mine, and I really don't like it. The color scheme in there is pinks and green with a little red. I will post pictures when ever thing gets set up properly.

Whine and Wine

2007-08-03T10:25:00.001-07:00

Had a fabulous time in the wine country, losts of good tasting, brought home lots of good wine, and ate lots of good food. Will put up a better port about the trip. GOt ack Monday night, and then Tuesday Jake had surgery on his toe. Ingrown toenail problems. Poor guy. Had a couple days back at the office. Reality bites. I am getting ready to go to the dentist! yuk!

WIll be back with a numb mouth, and some pictures of my trip.

Catching up

2007-07-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. Not sure why I have been away, maybe it is just laziness. Things have been OK. I had a new roof put on the house. It is the first of several big projects I am looking at. Financially I can only afford one more, so I will have to see what really needs to be done before I make my decision. The 3 things are painting inside, painting outside and a new wood fence around the property. I also need to completely redo one of the bathrooms, but that is at least a couple years away. I am leaning towards painting the inside. The fence will be OK, I put boards and cement block up in the places where Roscoe could get under. It has held since March, so that should be fine. And outside I am not sure it really "needs" it yet. Maybe next year. Inside I have some obnoxious colors, like my RED kitchen, that I would really like to see go away! I probably could do some of it myself if I knew what I was doing, but I don't. And I think there is some oil based paint to deal with too.

I am leaving tomorrow for 5 days. D and I are going to Cambria. Renting a house, for R&R and some antiquing and wine tasting. I haven't really been looking forward to it until today. I took the day off to pack, and get some last minute things done. Jake is staying home so I need to make sure he has a stocked kitchen, he will also be taking care of Daisy and Roscoe. Sprock is going to the vet to be boarded. I don't trust the 3 of them without my supervision for that long.

I hope all of you are well. I wish somehow I could reach out through cyberspace and hug you.

Party on the Bridge

2007-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

The weather is making me lazy. It has finally got hot. Close to 100 these last couple days with todays forecast in the 90's. Looks like it might cool down a bit next week.

Tonight I am going here. The Colorado Bridge Street Party. Hopefully it wont be too hot! I have been once years ago.

I goota go pick up my dry cleaning and get my glasses adjusted.

Flying Solo

2007-07-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was home, day off, cleaning lady was coming and I didn't want to be here while she worked. So I decided to do something I never do, I went out to breakfast by myself. I went to a little place in town and sat outside, it was early so the air was still cool, brought my LA times, and settled in. There were a few other solo breakfast waters at tables, mostly guys. I ordered 2 poached eggs and bacon, decaf coffee. It wasn' so bad, I enjoyed the cool air the food was fine, and had 3 cups of java before I realized I still had several more hours to kill.

I decided to get my car washed, by then it was about 10:30 and the mall was open so that was my next stop. Daringly I went right to the Theatre-plex and decided a movie would be fun. I had wanted to see Ratatouille, and it was starting in 5 minutes perfect,well almost. Until SOLD OUT began flashing instead of the showtime, and several screaming children behind me were very disappointed. Ah, a sign, I need to see something rated R. No kids, quiet theatre. Knocked Up was starting so I got my ticket and hurried into the quiet theatre with no more that 10 adults. The movie was light, funny, and what I needed, no serious stuff. Afterwards I hit Nordstroms for a couple T's and went home to a clean house.

I't felt good to at last not be afraid to be alone and do things alone. I have never been to a movie or eaten alone, excpet when I have traveled on business. Even then I get room service 99% of the time.

If you have not read my Food Blog, you need to get your fannies over there and start. I am hoping to have a byline on this site soon. The approached me:

...I would like to suggest is that we collaborate on the reposting of your reviews about Pasadena restaurants. We are very tightly focused, geographically, and cannot carry articles on restaurants OUTSIDE Pasadena. But those that are in Pasadena we'd love to cover, running your byline and link to your blog. Does this interest you?

Hell ya!

Heat Wave

2007-07-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well the weather finally turnind to summer. I have been putting the air on every day, but so far have been able to turn it off at night. Soon that will be history too. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Since I don't consider myslef very patriotic I won't post an entry about the US of A, but I will say that we really need to do something about all those young men who are losing thier lives over in the middle east. They need to come home and be with thier families now.

I have been really emotional I will chalk it up to PMS and the seven little dwarfs. I found out yesterday that my two darling children (yes that was said sacastically) are going to have dinner tonight with my ex and his "family". WTF! Since when should they be socializing with the enemy! It upsets me to no end. Bite my tongue!

PMS

2007-06-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Yea, its that week again. The week I get weepy, bitchy and hungry. If I could come up with 4 other words I could call it PMS and the seven moods. The weepy started a couple days ago when I started to miss being married. Yea I know I'm crazy. I don't miss the ex, I miss the companionship, then the bitchy hit today at work with some people are just so lame they should be fired. The hungry has been going on also for a couple days. Usually by the time my period starts most of these symptoms wil lbe gone, but that won't be until the middle of next week!

So next week I am only working one day, which will be nice. A bit of a vacation. Although I am not going anywhere. Hopefully I will feel like doing stuff, and not just laying around and veging.

This weekend not many plans, tonight sushi with the kids, tomorrow I am taking my car in for service, Saturday a Dodger game and nothing on Sunday. Cuz the bithchiness has arrived I am not looking forward to the game where I will have to deal with the "kid". Although my kid is going to so I will sandwhich myself between him and D for safety.

The Weekend

2007-06-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well for once I have had a semi-productive weekend. Friday I took advantage of the sale at Osh, and avoided the weekend crowds. Came home with 5 medium large pots. And 5 bags of wood chips. The pots are for the patio, I want to container garden and put some flowering and pretty green plants on the patio. Right now I have 2 pretty large ficus trees, and thought some additional color would be nice. The wood chips are to spread under a trellis that I have in the back yard. There is a dirt area that I want to put tow more Adirondack chairs on and it gets quite dusty, so the chips should make it look nicer while keeping the dust down at bit.

Yesterday I went to the farmers market and took Daisy and Roscoe into the groomers for baths! Sprocket will go next weekend, he gets a cut too. Then I decided to finish unpacking the last room. It only took a couple hours to either put away or throw away the last of the "stuff". I still have to put together on of my claw foot tables, need some screws, and hand a couple more pictures. Other than that its done. The only problem is that it is now a room with no use. So far my treadmill and a bookcase and a small chest are in there, but it has no function.

I want to turn it into a TV room, but that means getting the direct TV people out here to move the box, and to also get something to sit on in there. I am thinking the multi functional futon would be a good idea. So I have a place for any potential guests to sleep, and a couple of comfy chairs. That still leave my treadmill in the middle of it all, but oh well. THats the next step.

Today Jake is having a bunch of his friends over for a late birthday celebration. I got to get to the market to pick up snacks and sodas, I will be taking them all out for a Chinese feast later in the afternoon. We will go to a very traditional chinese rsturant in the heart of a nearby heavily Asian community. The place is a hole inthe wall but has great food, and thankfully prints there menu in english and chinese. My favorite is Soup DUmplings. yum.

Melancholy Baby

2007-06-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little bit so. Also sick, cough,cough, sneeze, sneeze, blow, blow, sigh. Natalie is on my mind tonight.

Daisy's blog has some new entries too.

Busy Weekend?

2007-06-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

So it seems like it was, although I really did not accomplish the things that I set out to do. I even made a list of all the projects in order of cost, the low cost stuff, like finishing unpacking the last room, medium cost stuff like new bedding to match my yellow walls, and high cost stuff like getting a new roof.

I did however take Jake to the DMV so he could flunk the test to renew his permit, got my first estimate for the new roof, got my hair done, went to the farmers market, grocery shopped for my mother, and cooked fathers day birthday dinner last night for 8.

The menu consisted of Tri-Tip marinated in red wine, rosemary and garlic, which I promptly overcooked! Cheesy mashed potatoes, green beans, cucumber, curylypepper, onion and tomato salad. This is an incredibly delicious concoction that one of the vendors at the farmers market always has to taste when his veggies are ready. You just combine all the aforementioned veggies and kosher salt, pepper and lemon juice. One of my summertime favorites.

I also watched the movie "The Band Played On", on Saturday night. I was solo.

Almost the Weekend

2007-06-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am ready for some R&R, and some projects. Although this weekend I won't get to much done as I have alot of commitments to deal with. Sunday is Fathers Day and Jacobs birthday, so dinner at my place for the gang, tomorrow I have a roofer coming for an estimate, taking Jacob to the DMV and a hair appointment, then D is coming over at 5. Saturday is pretty open, I need to grocery shop and do the farmers market so I have some yummy stuff for Sunday. But I will make a list of all the projects I want to do. I am finally feeling a little motivated.

Karma

2007-06-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I always want to believe in Karma. What goes around comes around, good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, and all that. But with everything that has happened to me sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve it? I think I finally am going to start believing in Karma.

I found out that ex-husband got fired from his very high paying job. Yep, about 2 weeks ago, which is about 2 weeks after the divorce was final. A couple of things to note, if this had happened a couple months ago, I could have been out about $50,000 in a spousal support settlement, not monthly payments I negotiated a lump sum for various reasons. Yep, that's right. But the timing was very good, thank you Karmic Gods for doing the deed but sparing me while doing it. Now I can just know that karma does exist and its time for me to get some good juju.

How do you like my new chairs? I bought them for the back yard for under the trellis, but they look so nice on the front porch, well it is sort of a porch, and it so nice to sit under the tree in the early evening with the breeze, that I decided to leave them there, and I wen and got 2 more for the back. There was a big sale and they were greatly reduced.

New Lamps for Old

2007-06-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite stories when I was growing up was about Aladdin. It wasn't the traditional story, it was sort of a side note. It was on an old LP and sometimes my mom would put in on the record player for us to listen to as we were falling asleep, sort of a self service bedtime story. I would force myself to stay awake until she came in and flipped it to the other side so that I could hear the whole story and the end, but usually I fell asleep. The narration was superb, and the way the narrator enunciated some of the words was just comical. I do remember one part of the story where the main character wanted to get rid of his "lamp", in the market place was a vendor calling out "New lamps for old, New lamps for old".

Yesterday I went and bought a new lamp for my bedroom. It reminded me of this story from my childhood.

The gangs all here!

2007-06-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

The weekend is upon us. I am looking forward to this evening as both my kids will be here for dinner. Jake is home for the summer and will be home tonight, and Candice will be over at 6. I am making steaks on the grille, simple, but yummy. I also have a movie for us, it should be fun.

Candice is so busy these days working several jobs and going to school. I am most proud of what she is doing now. She has got an apprenticeship as an assistant stylist for a big magazine that is geared to the teen set. If it helps you to guess we were reading it when we were kids! She changed her major (again) to fashion merchandising/marketing, and should be done with her BA in about a year and a half if she goes part time.

Of course my dogs are here too. So it will be a lovely relaxing happy time.

Final?

2007-06-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a bit of a revelation. Yea, sounds pretty stupid, but I realized I might be lonely. Duh? Jake has been home now for a couple weeks, on summer break. So I have been cooking more and had someone around. Last night I got home started some dinner, made a drink and went out to sit on the patio to throw the ball for Daisy and Jake came out to sit and talk. It was nice, someone to share the day with, hang out, cook dinner for. I thought to myself maybe I am just lonely sometimes. Having a partner does have its benefits I suppose.

Relationships are complicated. Last week finally got a letter in the mail that told me my divorce was final, as of May 21, 2007. When I opened it, thinking it was yet another bill from the attorney, I was shocked to read the legal filing of disillusionment. In a way I was sad, I didn't tell anyone that. Everyone seemed so happy for me. But in a way it was also a sad day. It meant I failed as a wife. It meant I was single at the age of 47. It meant that I was closer to being alone at retirement than I wanted to think about. I think my mouth dropped open when I read the letter, and I think I still am in shock about the whole thing, perhaps I think I am living in some fog.

I love D, and we see each other on the weekends, and I think I would like to have someone around more, but maybe not full time. I think that I do not want to marry again, not that it has been ever discussed.

BTW the pic has nothing to do with the post.

I'm Back

2007-06-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

After quite a bit of a hiatus I have decided it is good for my soul to be blogging once again. I have distracted myself by creating a couple of other blogs, one that reviews food spots and the other that has a political bent on the local scene.

But now I want to come home and snuggle back with my old friends and readers and hopefully catch up with everyone and their lives.

Missed you. Its good to be home.

Today

2007-05-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

And the walls come a tumbling down....

2007-05-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I wrote. I have been trying to aviod my real feelings by doing food reviews,and creating a political blog in my hometown. But you can't avoid the inevitable.

I'm home. At least that what it is supposed to be. I like my space. But it is so weird. I am alone. My sister is gone, my Natalie is gone, my husband is gone, my home is gone, my divorece is all but final, I am trying to create a new life with new routines, and a new home. Some days it is ok, some days I can't do it. I just cry. I feel lonely.

So i hide behind what ever is around. Somedays I feel like just downing myself in booze and pills.

Help me I am drowning.

A New Begininng

2007-03-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

On March 9th I moved into my new home. As you can probably guess I have been busy unpacking, nesting, trying to get comfortable. It has been easy. I feel as if I belong, even the dogs adjusted quickly to their new "spot".

It's different, it's smaller, it's older, but it is mine. I am flying solo and it feels good.

I have been sleeping better, I am not as lonely as I was in the other house, I think I found my niche, myself too.

Yesterday i fed 10 people corned beef and cabbage. It was delicious! My first little tete in my new home!!

Holding On

2007-02-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

How do we put one foot in front of another, get out of bed in the morning, and make it through the day. How do we hold on to sanity when the odds are all against it. How do we manage. Why can't we change what has happened, control the past the outcome, make it all better. Why?

Today when I thought I was holding on, i lost it. Driving home, i saw it in the road, i thought it was a squirrel. It was a small dog, a chihuahua laying dead in the road. All alone, small and helpless. There was nothing I could do but cry. Be sad for the poor thing, that had no collar, probably no responsible owner. Otherwise it would be sitting on a pink pillow eating something yummy. I HATE irresponsible dog owners.

The only think I could do for the poor thing, was cry, was to sob all the way home, being sad for why it happened. Wishing it had not, dreaming that I could change the impossible. Because I can't make you come back little baby. You are gone, and it is sad, and I am soo sorry.

Fear of Flying

2007-02-16T18:46:00.000-08:00

Today I had the inspection on my "new home". I am finally getting excited about this, and the fear of the mortgage, fear of being on my own, the fear of the unknown is starting to dissipate and the and anticipation of a new beginning, where to put my furniture and hang my artwork is taking over. This is good.

So there are a few problems, all I pretty much already knew about, no surprises, which was good. In good faith I didn't ask for credits, I asked for the washer and dryer.

It has been a busy week. Actually crazy busy in the fact I have to work on 2 of my regular day offs, but just a few hours each day. Relief!

CG at Amusings wants me to get to a concert here locally, I am gonna try! I suppose I should buy tickets and commit!!!

I am making some pasta for dinner. Noodles with peas, bacon, and some sauce made with a little butter, milk and Parmesan cheese. Simple. Trying to clean out my freezer and eat whats there. Which is alot. I suppose I should start pulling things out of the freezer, so when they defrost I cook them. My new fridge is very small compared to this huge built in I have now!

Little Boxes

2007-02-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

Wasn't that a song by Pete Seeger? Anyhow the house if full of boxes now. I spent all of yesterday packing up the kitchen, most of it is done. I also have a huge pile of stuff to give away!!!! I can't believe how much stuff I have.
Candice was here helping and talked me into getting rid of one set of dishes.

I was really tired after yesterday. D and I went to have sushi, well I had sushi he had other stuff. He is not a big sushi head. It was good and I feel asleep as soon as I got home.

I am still in bed now, it rained last night, and all my friends are curled up with me. I should start packing up books now *sigh*. I am excited about moving, but also wishing that it was March 11th or so. It would be over.

Home is where the heart is

2007-02-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

I bought a house. It is around the corner from me. You can look at it here until it comes off the market "officially". It needs paint and other things, but it will be mine, and I don't have to move out of my neighnorhood which I love.

A year ago

2007-02-01T21:56:00.001-08:00

Natalie died.

Burning the candle at both ends

2007-01-24T20:58:00.000-08:00

I am posting at 3 sites, not including my-meadow, my real home. They are:
Daisy the dog.
Rants and Raves and Reviews

And this one. Black and White and Read all over.

Maybe I am over doing it, I suppose I am just trying to keep busy. DUH!

A Ghost from the Past

2007-01-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

There is something that I need major advice on. I am not sure if I have even mentioned it here on the blog, so I may need to backtrack a bit. Back on November 13 I received this e-mail:

"Hey Annie G,

I only have a moment. It's poker night. I'm pretty good at Texas Hold 'em. A man has to have his priorities straight. The reason I didn't receive your earlier e-mail is my account was closed. Just simply didn't have time to fool with it. As luck would have it, I'm currently building a vacation home for an attorney from St. Louis, who requires me to communicate via e-mail.

Mom died three years ago after a long wasting away kind of illness. Dan & Brenda are fine. We aren't nearly as close as we once were. Dan borrowed $ 150,000 from me to float a big electrical job he was doing. It took me six years to get it back. You can imagine that made me a little upset.....

So, would you be interested in marrying me & living happily ever after in Stringville on the Ponderosa???????????? Where are you going to find a world traveling, fifty year old man/child, who's never been married, has no children & loves you so much I'm crying as I type this letter.............................

cell xxxxxxxxxx

Gotta go. It's still poker night!

Love always,"

This was the third of a series of "catch up" e-mails. He finally got an e-mail about Natalie, and we started playing "catch up".

This is a man I lived with for 3 years in Tahoe. We broke up and 2 years later my sister died, I needed a contractor to help me fix up my house so I could sell it. He and his brother (an electrician) flew out to California (from Missouri) for a week and worked on the house. He also offered to marry me, as his sister an attorney indicated I would have a much better chance at getting custody of the kids if I was married, instead of single.

I kept in touch with his sister, we were very close, and occasionally I got a card of letter from him. I politely declined the proposal, but in my heart I wanted nothing more than to pick up and run away. The family owns a huge ranch in South East Missouri, a beautiful part of the country. I saw myself starting over and being free from this life of pain and sadness and really "starting over" but with someone familiar and kind.

But my sensible side takes over, my relationship with D, my job and retirement. I really love him even though I know that the fact his kid really is what is the most important. That became clear last week.

Anyhow I have had several e-mails, and a dozen long stemmed roses, and then this e-mail today:

"Hey Annie G,

What's the latest???????? Did you sell your house? Have you found new lodging? How many steps are there to the front door???????? Are you O.K.????????????????????????

Beth gave me a copy of the newsletter. You have had one hell of a year!!!
Speaking of which, I do believe Tuesday is the day of your birth!!! By all means, Happy Birthday to you, Annie G!!!!! I only wish I were there to celebrate with you. Maybe I could make you laugh out loud or give you an extended embrace from an old friend................ I'd better stop right
there- think I gettin' wood!

Now then! I am currently planning MY 50th birthday getaway. It includes palm trees, tropical breezes, secluded beaches, a 38 ft. sailboat w/captain, fine dining every night and all the adult beverage you care to consume on a daily basis! Remotely interested??????????

Seriously, Phil & I want you to join us for a week in the Carribean! Phil's birthday is April 6. Of course, mine is March 10th 7 yours is, well......tomorrow! We are flying into Tortola, sailing to Virgin Gorda to dine at "The Bitter End", come around to St. Johns for a day at Turtle Bay, maybe have some cocktails at "Skinny Legs", then onto Jost Van Dyke for an evening at Foxy's. Back to Tortola to check out the rock cliffs at "The Baats". Oh, and we have to purchase grossly overpriced t-shirts everywhere we stop!!!! You can be present in any capacity you choose, but you must be present!

I'd love for you to be there with us and so would Phil. You can have your pick of Staterooms. We'll grind fresh coffee beans for you every morning, bring you breakfast in bed, let you sleep until the "crack of noon". It will be our birthday gift to you! Ten years worth!! or more..............

Love you bunches! (Circles in fact)

Happy birthday Annie G!

Love always,"

This is on the verge of the man I am dating and having sex with forgets about my birthday, because he was too busy planning snowboard trips for his son, including one he is the chauffeur for, back to back weekends, and no one asked if maybe I would want to do something special for my birthday. Including asking me if I would like to join in on the Ski/snowboard trip. I am an avid skier in case I have not mentioned that, 10 years of living in Tahoe.

I suppose I should put up all the e-mails to really explain. But most of you would be bored. Any suggestions?

Another Day in Paradise

2007-01-22T19:11:00.000-08:00

I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't take a sleeping pill either. I am trying to create some normalcy in my life, some routine, some type of happiness. It was just another Monday at work. I am waiting for the contingencies to be removed from our house; tomorrow is the deadline. I want to make an offer on a house, as I have mentioned. But I think that the snarky builder who is buying our place is holding out and will ask for more credits, even though we were very clear when we accepted his offer that we would offer NO credits and that we didn't want him to waste our time if he intended to try and nickel and dime us.

If you haven't seen the house these two links will take you to realtor.com listings which have several pictures. Different ones from each link.
http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1072515086
www.realtor.com/Prop/1072526330

He got a deal for what we gave it to him for!!! That's the scoop on the house. I will be writing an offer on the house around the corner on Wednesday, and submit it as soon as things are settled, if things are settled.

Out of Control

2007-01-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

I lost it Friday night. I am really ashamed of myself. No one was here but the dogs. I was depressed, not sure about anything. Roscoe, or one of them, I am pretty sure it was Roscoe, pissed on my bed. I thew Roscoe across the room, I felt awful then I banged my head against the wall until could hardly see. Roscoe is fine, he landed on the big down comforter he peed on. I was drinking, which I do more than I should. I have a lump on my forehead, and am feeling pretty depressed.

I made myself dinner tonight. All by myself, all alone. Breaded chicken breasts, parmigiana, with spaghetti and sauce. They were good, to bad I didn't have someone to share them with. That would have been nice.

Past the Anger

2007-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ok. So I am past all the anger I had last night. I have now fallen into the depression. Not even sure why. That was stupid, of course I know why. I have been dealing with so much, and now I am having to deal with the sale of my house and moving. Not to mention the fact that my son to be ex decided that he didn't want to give me the agreed upon amount for a spousal support settlement. I wont bore you with the gory details. But I am not signing any documents until i get in writing from him that the agreed upon disbursements of funds from escrow will be what he promised, or he signs the settlement agreement. God I want this to be over with already!

In case you would like to go there. Daisy the pink dog now has her very own website. She will be providing k-9 commentary, and also highlighting any significant doggy news that comes her way. Pimp her site for me!

Alone again, Naturally

2007-01-18T20:09:00.000-08:00

Jake went back to school today. I took him to the airport an kissed him goodbye. He will have a rough time. He is now on academic probation, he he needs to pull his head out fast. Hopefully he will.

I am mad at the world. the people that supposedly love me just plain forgot that my fucking birthday is next week, so lets plan stuff out for spoiled rotten kid two weekends in a row. Gee maybe annie might want to do something, but who the fuck cares.

Oh well.

Home Perhaps

2007-01-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

I think I found my home. Its basically around the corner. I was on the market, sold and then fell out of escrow. I think it was meant to be. The house is a little out of my price range, but I think they will come down a bit now.

I am scared to make an offer, yet excited too. I think that I will be living there in a couple months. But I don't want to jinx my luck. Its not a perfect house, but I like it. I can paint, and deal with the things that need to be updated a little at a time.

Day Two

2007-01-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

Sick! Home coughing up a lung. I haven't been this sick in a long time. Taking cough medicine, cough drops advil and going through my third box of lkeenex in 3 days. I actually went to work yesterday, and have to go tomorrow. I feel better now than I did this morning. I think I am getting the cough under control with the meds.

The weather today was not January weather, it was at least 80, if not warmer. It will cool off tomorrw and perhaps rain later in the week. We get so little cool weather I just hate when our winter gets interrupted with some unseasonable temps.

The kids are coming for dinner. I am not up to it, but it will be easy, just rilling steaks and making some baked potatoes. I wil have candice put together a salad.

Day One

2007-01-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of escrow. So now I have 59 days to find a new home.

I decided to get ultra depressed so I watched Brokeback Mountain. It is such a beautiful love story. And the setting so reminds me of my life in Tahoe. God I want that back so badly.

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversaries. Barbara's death, asshole leaving me, Nata lie leaving us. That is not until February 1, but the whole month of January we watched her die.

Accepted

2007-01-06T17:30:00.000-08:00

Well the counter offer that we submitted was accepted. The house will go into escrow on Monday and baring any problem it will close in 60 days, which will be March 8th.

No Room at the Inn

2007-01-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Well I went back to work this week. It was slow as expected, although I spent quite a bit of time trying to deal with an "impostor" my-space account that someone put up and used the picture of the Chief of Police of the City I work in. LOL. It was actually a pretty funny site. Next to his picture was "We are here to beat your Ass". Then a 4 minute clip of police brutality, some policemen beating the shit out of someone!!

So after about a dozen e-mails to my-space and our attorneys the site came down. The photo was taken off the City web site. People don't realize how easy it is to just steal your identity, camera phones, scanning, we sites. If it exists anywhere in cyberspace or in print it can be found and used.

Looks like the house sold. We are going back with the offer, counter offer game right now. But I think this will be it. I will soon have 60 days in which to find a new home and then start a new life. I suppose that should be a countdown I shouldn't miss.

Jacob got his grades. He failed every class but 1. I was appalled, so was he. I dont think he realized he had done that poorly. So now he is on academic probation. If he doesnt get his act together he will be kicked out, and have to come home and go to jr. college. This I would not be happy about, especially since in about 60 days I will be moving from my spaciouss 2500 sq ft home built on 4 lots, over a third of an acre. To a 1100 sq ft home built on a postage stamp. No room at the Inn. That will not be a "good thing".

Happy New Year

2007-01-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death.

The Ghosts

2006-12-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T08:49:00.000-08:00

To all and to all a good night!

We got an offer

2006-12-20T20:25:00.000-08:00

This is either a good thing, or a bad thing, The offer is low, way low. An 80% offer, which is supposed to be typical. I am snarky about it because that means I have to leave my home, and I don't want to.

5 days until Christmas

2006-12-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

Not sure why I am suddenly getting chatty. Maybe its the time of year, maybe its cuz I am lonely. I realized a person can feel lonely even when they are surrounded by people. What a notion. It is five days until Christmas. I need to wrap presents, grocery shop for meals that I will be serving, and get a tree. Yep, still have not got a tree. Will do that tomorrw, maybe.

I had this idea that I would throw out all the old ornaments, old memories, and buy all new stuff. I changed my mind. I will carefully go through all the ornaments, any that do not have "good" memories, or are not extra special to me will go in the trash. I want some new traditions and new memories. Better yet maybe this year I won't even open the Christmas boxes, I will just put lights on the tree and be done with it! Leave the ornament thing for next year when I am not as inclined to throw things away!

All Carols all the time!

2006-12-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a lot about life, death, holiday time and what it all means if anything. This has been a difficult time for me. What isn’t (whine). I was grouchy for about 2 weeks, and now I am just working through it all.

I started listening to Christmas carols on the all carols all the time radio station on the way to pick up Jacob from the airport Friday; have not changed the station since. Made dinner for the gang Friday night, it was nice to have everyone together. Saturday night D and I went to dinner. The restaurant was all decked out for the holidays, we had fun. I even finished all my shopping!!!

Sunday I made a wreath and hung the stockings, yesterday I finished my Christmas newsletter which gets included with the cards I am supposed to be sending; haven’t done that yet. The only reason I even wrote a newsletter this year was because I have been getting cards from people I only hear from once a year. They didn’t know Nat died or Asshole left me! They will be in for a big surprise!

Today I took my staff out for lunch; I do this every year for Christmas. They pick the place, I pick up the tab. Tonight I go to the brats Christmas program, since he is in Choir at school. It should be fun. Get to hear teenagers sign Christmas carols. At least the can’t be snarky while they are singing.

I am taking time off from work through out the holidays, and am looking forward to having some fun. Maybe seeing a few movies, cooking some yummy meals, looking for a place to live. Forgetting about what is sad, and creating a few new memories. I just hope D realizes just because he is taking a week of, we don’t have to spend it all with the kid. I really want some time with him, and no kid.

We have another appointment

2006-12-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

If I hear those 4 words again I am going to scream. I know its a good thing in terms of selling the house, but it is so flipping inconvienient. I haven't cooked for over two weeks, and am dying for some decent food. Not resturant either, my cooking!!! Tonight I went to Whole Foods, salad bar and hot food bar, could not believe the price tag for some salads, a piece of chicken spinach and mac and cheese. Don't even guess.

I want to cook this week for the masses. Maybe wednesday but the brat is grounded from TV (because he didn't turn in an english assignment) and I don't feel like dealing with him if I can't plug him into a TV for a few hours. He is just so high maintenance. He can't entertain himself for 5 minutes and I refuse to entertain him and cook him dinner.

One of my best friends was right. Regardless of how I feel about D, his son, will always be his son, and always be a challenge (I think). I need to remember that and not reach expectations that are unreasonable,.

Snarky

2006-12-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

I am in a foul mood, and have been for the last few days. I am dreading the upcoming hoildays, my house is on the market which means it has to be picked up and clean every morning before I leave for the office. This is not me. I like leaving my underware on the floor in the bathroom, and not making my bed. Dishes need to be washed, which I rarely do. I load the dishwasher until full then leave the rest in the sink until Thursday when the cleanng lady comes and finishes up. Now remember its just little ole me in the house now, so we are not talking a huge pile, we are talking a few glasses and a plate or two in the sink.

I even have to leave tonight so the house can be shown at 7 pm. I will not tolerate this level of inconvenience for very long.

On the other hand there have been lots of showings, and realtor open houses yesterday, today and tomorrow, with an advertised one for buyers on this Sunday. I think it may sell fairly quickly. Which means I will be homeless sooner than later.

I did find a very cute place, which I will be seeing for the second time tomorrw. I will take D there for his opinion. The only drawback is that there is no yard. Only a patio. There is hillside in the front, but without terracing it would be too steep for the dogs. This is a possibly big problem. I love the house, but what do I do about the pooches?

My little slice of heaven

2006-11-30T16:59:00.000-08:00

After all this time the for sale sign will go up on my home tomorrow morning. The place where I have raised 3 children, had holidays and birthdays dinners. Hosted slumber parties, and pizza parties. Cried and laughed. Mourned my losses, and celebrated joys.

I feel so melancholy about this. I just hope that I can find my new "home" sonner than later, so I can start over. I will miss my glass of wine while watching the sun set here.

It Works!

2006-11-17T15:05:00.000-08:00

Well looky there it is now working. It only took a few days. Those blogger bone heads. I highly recommend that you DO NOT convert your blog until they have the bugs worked out of the monster!

I moved home to www.my-meadow.com and gave up on blogger when it ate my blog, but I was trying to post to rattie-pooh and low and behold I signed in at it worked!

What up wid dat!

There's no place like home

2006-11-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

I really want to go back to my home at my-meadow. I feel like a fugative, posting here so my soon to be ex can't read any secrets of my new life, so I don't have to worry about being spied on. I don't know why I should care, but I do. I know he was there once upon a time, but I don't know if he followed me or even cares to. I guess I am just a bit paranoid.

Sometimes I wonder if my life could have been any different if I did things differently. It just seems as if I have experienced more than my fair share of crap. Notice I used the word fair. Probably nothing is really fair about sadness and tragedy. There is no more normal here, just day to day, whats next? Right now I look forward to having no IV and no wires sticking out of the finger so I can do really easy things like cook, wash dishes and shower without swathing my body in plastic wrap. I have always said little things make me happy, I'll bet no one realized how little those things were.

God I pray that things don't get worse. Because I know that they can.

Day of the Dead

2006-10-31T17:46:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow it will be 8 months since Natalie died. She dies in my arms, and the arms of her friends and sister and brother. There was music playing, her favorites, but for the life of me I can’t recall the song. It was probably Dave Matthews. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want her to worry that something was wrong. I only cry when there is something wrong. Dying isn’t wrong.

I remember what she was wearing, Candice picked it out. A purple skirt and a yellow tank top with sequins on it; we brushed her hair after they took off all the life support tubes and needles, so she wouldn’t look so sick. I would have washed it if I thought there would be time; she was such a fanatic about clean hair. We wanted her to look like an angel as she became one. But it wasn’t long before she turned grey, as the life drained from her body, as her little lungs could no longer sustain the movement of the precious oxygen that is the giver of life. I wish she was pink, she would have looked better but, that is not the color of death.

I don’t remember what the weather was like that day. We all went to sushi after she died; some macabre gesture that everyone except me thought would be what Nat wanted. I just wanted to go home and get drunk. But I did sushi and sake, and for the sake of the kids tried to act like it was the right thing to do. It was stupid because Nat wasn’t there eating it with us.

Tomorrow is Dia de las Muertes; the day that the dead is honored.

Today is Monday

2006-10-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I had my surgery, and today they took the cast off. I now have 2 metal pins protruding from the tip of my finger. Really Gross. Candice took me to the docs, and told me not to look at my finger, becuase it was too gross, so I didn't. But I managed to see the metal out of the corner of my eye.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. It really grosses me out. I thought I might try to talk about something else for a change. Although for the lasr few weeks I have done nothing. Felt sorry for myself, no writing, nothing around the house, just watched TV and slept. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but I feel as if I should have been doing things. But nothing.

Sprocket was sick again today. This time bloody diareah. I got him to the vet, and $450 later it is probably an ulcer frpom all the pain meds he is on for his arthritis. Thank god. I was worried it would be some horrible cancer or something!

So he is on a bland diet. And some different meds<>

more surgery

2006-10-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

saw the doc today. the "good" one, Ha! he is the hand surgeon. apparently i have to have about a half inch of dead bone cut out and a pin put in my finger. the healing is going slowly and they think it is becuase of 2 things. one the fact that the dead bone does not have any blood flow and thus the antibiotic is not getting to the infection and the fact my finger isnt mobilized. so back into the hospital on thursady. fortunatly i can come home the same day if there are not any complications.

the north koreans, kim jong il, is fucking crazy!

mia

2006-10-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

ok. so last wednesday the docs put me back into the hospital, i had more surgery on my finger. the infection had not cleared ans was quite awful. aat this point the problem is no longer from sprocket biting me, it is from doctors not treating the infectio agressively after surgery. so i spent 6 days in the hospital and am now home on IV antibiotics for 6 friggin weeks!!!

i definately will not be able to go into the office for a couple weeks. they are sending a nurse to the house everyday to change my dressing and look at the PICC line, which i am gettin antibiotics in. i change th iv bag daily and the pump measures the dosage and infuses the stuff. wonders of modern medicine.

so other than being, exhausted, in pain, depressed and snarky, life is ok. i suppose.

more drama

2006-09-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is the new scoop on my hand. Yesterday was my follow up appointment. Stitches out, life back to semi normal hopefully; poked it with a needle lots of pus and fluids come out, which later made it actually feel better.

Of course nothing goes as planned! The doc looks at my finger, calls in the hand guy (whom he has been consulting with all along). Don’t like the look of it, more surgery tomorrow, plan on staying in the hospital at least until Thursday.

So ok; I call Candice, make arrangements for the dogs, house work etc. You know the whole thing. I get dropped off this morning at 830 am for a 5 or later surgery, supposed to get IV antibiotics. the doc looks at it this morning, wow, it looks better. I agree and remind him there is still considerable pain, but it has improved since he drained the wound again. He says lets get the hand guy to look at it maybe you don’t need surgery. But the hand guy is in surgery. So I wait, they decide no surgery, come back tomorrow for an appointment with the hand guy, who I ad actually been seeing every time I went in, just not formally. He will decide if I need surgery, and if I do he will do it on Thursday.

So this has been an ordeal, 2 weeks ago today is when it all started. Sprocket seems to be ok with all this. what a dog.

If wishes were fishes

2006-09-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

So I went to the docs yesterday and he took the big bandage off, and only just my finger is wrapped now. He also pulled out the packing from the incisions which hurt like hell! But wrapped only the one finger back up, which allows me much more mobility, but the pain, is still bad; but he did give me meds to stop the nausea, Which is a good thing.

Andy has been in my dreams every night. Not bad dreams but not good either. They have been about me wanting to reconcile. Upsetting dreams, making me wonder about my life. I just wish that this was either all over or not happening at all. That is my wish. I guess my other wish would be that wishes could come true.

kaiser casualty

2006-09-10T15:19:00.000-07:00

ok first of all i am typing this with one finger and one hand, so there will be lots of typos. long story but the short version. tues night i broke up a spat between sprocket and daisy. got several puncture wounds on my left hand which bled alot. it was late, about 11 and i did not want to go to th er at Kaiser, my health care provider, in LA ABOUT A 30 MINUT DRIVE. WENT TO WORK WEDS AM, CALLED AND MADE AN APPT WITH A DOC AT 2:30.

BY 10 AM I WAS IN such pain (sorry about the caps) that my assistant B (who is also a dear friend) took me to the er. possible fracture on my ring finger in the joint, probable infection. antibiotics and pain meds, and come back in 2 days for a recheck. they would refer me to ortho etc. the er doc also lectured me on how big a deal this was. dog bite and all. i think so that i would be sure to return.

i made a follow up for friday, 2 days later with my doc at 9:30 am. fortunatly d was able to drive me. my doc immediately refered my to ortho downtown to be checked, she did not like the look of my finger. we drove into la for an 11 am appt with the ortho. he saw my funger and said needs to be opened up an drained, i need to be on iv antibiotics immediately and i will be admitted to the hospital until sunday.

so with this in mind, i proceed to sit in the orthopedic waiting room while they supposedly find a bed for me in the hospital, which is across thee street. i ask them how long will it be, v5 hours latercan i go home and come back? they dont know, and i cant leave beacuse i might eat or drink. i proceed to remind them that i am a grown adult, and if i know i am hving surgery in a few hours why would i compromise my own well being? i needed to get the dogs to a kennel because i hd no one to take care of them, and of course i couldnt get a hold of my kid. i am gettin really pissed, in alot of pain, and i cant eat or drink so i cant take pain medicaution. finally at almost 5 pm, when the doc said i was going to have surgery they send me to the er. because they still have no beds. in the er, they have no bed either, so i sit on a gurnet in the hall with D trying to keep me from totally losing it. craccking silly jokes, and threatening to sing if i get out of control (remember, he is deaf, and cant sing). anyway they fibnally put me in a oom start an IV give me something for pain and some IV antibiotics. my surgey happens about 8 pm friday night.

D stays until i am put in a room. thank god i was not alone i probably would have completely lost it. at least the night nurse was kind. the only positive thing i can say about that experience. she kept me comfortable with medication and pillows proping up my arm. i came home yesterday, so only one night in th hospital. but in retrospect i should have stayed in. i was so sick i threw eberything up, including the antibiotics and pain meds. d and the brat, who after yesterday i wont call a brat anymore, he was really sweet. he is now known as the kid. they stayed with me until almost 10 pm. were going to spend the night but didnt have all of the kids night time meds, his lantus, long acting insulin. i made it through the night. woke up feeling better and it seems as long as i get something in my stomach with the pills the nausea stays in check.

go back to the docs on tuesday for a recheck. he apparenly opened the wound and packed it so it would drain. not sure what he will be doing on tuesday, probably taking the packing out which sounds painful.

so here i am laying in bed with the dogs, diasy on the florr the little ones snuggled up. typing with one hand and feeling sorry for myself. if anyone knows if blogger has a spell check i would love to know, as you can see the next few posts will probably be in a messy format as one handed typing is ackward.

More Food!

2006-09-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Cooked up another storm yesterday. Candice and her boyfriend Billy and his mom Becky, and D and the brat and Candice friend C. So there were 7 of us.. I BBQ'd king crab legs and claws, chicken, made pilaf and asparagus rissoto, corn on the cob and cucumber salad. We had fun. Drank way to much wine and talked at the table til almost midnight. It was interesting because all of us had lost a spouse or a mother or a sister, Billy's father died a bout 5 years ago, so that was Becky's husband. D's wife, the brats mom ,and you know who Candice and I have lost; my sister her sister and her mom. Made for interesting if not sad converstaion. Although Becky and I had fun naming Candice and Billy children. LOL!

Boy do I have alot of leftovers in the fridge!

What Big Ears you have!

2006-09-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

This cute little doe was up on the hillside earlier this week! Roscoe was going bananas barking his fool head off at her and she was unphased. I think seeing a deer brings me luck, so I always have a better day when one happens through the yard. Or wanders along one of the canyon roads as I drive to work.

D and the brat got home from vacation last night. He is coming over this afternoon, and then they and then they are coming for dinner, along with Candice, Billy and Cristina. So I am making double baked potatos, marinated tri tip, in red wine rosemary and garlic, and country pork chops in margarita marinade, heirloom tomato salad, corn on the cob and ceasar salad.

So needless to say I am finally in a decent mood, although I have to say I feel like crap. Got my period and have a killer headache for some odd reason.

I start golf lessons tomorrow. I am finally doing it after talking about it talking them for about 2 years now. They are Saturday mornings at 9 til 10:30. THis way I can hit balls on fridays or sundays. I am looking forward to learning how to play.

Monday Monday

2006-08-28T15:43:00.000-07:00

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?

Stone

2006-08-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

I watched the Family Stone last night. I had seen it with asshole when it first came out. But last night I bawled. I needed too. Its a good movie, and I just love the characters. The deaf gay son, the snarky young daughter, the loser son, and the overachiver,they are all great. And Diane Keaton is of course great. She is one of my favorites.

As you can see I did not fly off to meet the vacationers. No room at the Inn, which in a way was good as it would have been a huge hassle doing everything so last minute. Abscence mades the heart grow stonger in my case.

I am off to some friends for a swim and early dinner. They are having a few people over. I made a gorgeous tomato salad with buffalo mozzerella and basil. I am also bringing to wine. I hope people like it.

I had another disaster with Sprocket! I wanted to get him groomed yesterday, so I thought I would give him some ACE (tranquilizer) so that the groomer could get the job done more easily. Sprock is a little hellion, and does not like his face or legs brushed! I also wanted him trimmed. He is a Carin Terrier and really needs some grooming, not my version, I scissor trim him while he is alseep, and if he wakes up. Oh well, he looks like a bad hair day! Anyhow, he really had a reaction to the tranq. The groomer called me and said he fell over in the tub, was completely out of it, and thought I better come and take him to the vet. So off we went to the vet. Fortunatly he is going to be fine, but 24 hours later is still wobbley and snoring. I did not over dose him, it was probably a reaction from the other meds he is on for his arthritis. The vet tech called last night to check in to see how he was. Sleeping off his "good buzz". I was a mess. Thank God he is ok.

Wish you were here...

2006-08-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Ok I am getting snarky about this now. D and the brat are on vacation. Gone one week tomorrow, due back in one week from today. D has text messaged me several times "wish u were here".

I finally got pissed and send him a message, "don't say that unless you "really" mean it". He jokingly responded, "LOL, get on a plane but we won't have any privacy".

I responded, "I don't think you realize it but I would come up there if that is what you really wanted regardless, I just understoood that this vacation was for the 2 of you and I never pushed it to be anything but that. SO when u tell me you want me there, u don't realize I would get on a plane and book a room to be with u, but I don't think that is what you really want".

So he responds, "its ok with "the brat" so that means its ok by mean. Not sure about room availability".

I kinda lost it. I told him that he didn't understand my point, and that he should have a nice vacation, and to stop telling me "wish u were here", becuase it was frustrating me, I didn't know if he meant it to be "miss u" or why don't u come up". I also told him I was not trying to crash his vacation.

Am I over reacting? It is so fucking hard to try and communicate with him if you are not face to face.

Results

2006-08-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

Well it went better than I expected. I was able to remain fairly calm, and cried some, but not hystericaly. The results of about an hour of discussions are:1) he can't afford to just buy me out, which would mean getting a mortage big enough to give me my share so I could walk away 2) we agreed to put the house on the market 3) I would outlines the conditions which I would agree upon for the sale/showing?etc 3) if house sells over the holiday period a long escrow so I don't have to move around Christmas 4) I can have final say on the selection of the realtor, which we will both interview.

So I suppose I will have to live in the house until it is sold. As long as everything is on my terms I will have to deal with it. I promised to get an outline of conditions to him by sometime next week.

The only good thing is that I won't have to move for a while, houses usually don't sell around the holidays, and it probably won't be on the market for at least a month. We have to interview realtors etc.

Negotiations

2006-08-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I meet the jerk tonight at the house to try and negotiate a settlement. I normally would not have suggested he come over but I know he wanted to get some of his stuff including his dishes. And since I had already packed up most of his stuff, his stuff, not joint stuff, it makes sense to just let him take it away. We will go somewhere to talk after that, or maybe just sit down at the table. Depends on how I feel.

I am not looking forward to this and am already on the verge of tears, which make me think leaving the house would be a good idea since it might keep me from bawling. Not sure why I want to cry, but maybe its because I still can't believe all this is happening to me.

In my wildest of dreams I think maybe he will change his mind, and not want to go through with it. But then I realize, I really don't want to be married to this jerk anymore. I want someone who is not so self centered. SO this is inevitable. And it needs to be over as soon as possible.

D and the brat are in Tahoe right now. I think that is making me even more melancholoy. I keep getting text messages from him describing my old home. Makes me homesick. He sent one that said "wish u were here". I din't respond, because I would have been if I had been invited. I wasn't. And it was probably not a good idea for me to go. The brat would have surely felt like I was horning in on his vacation. Although they are golfing almost every other day, so I don't know how that would have been possible!

Anyhow I will report in on how this night of horror goes. Hopefully I will be able to tolerate it and not get to emotional. Wish me luck.

Empty Nest

2006-08-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Jake leaves. I don't know why I am stressing out so much about him leaving. He has an aparment to live in, a meal card (getting on Monday), money in the bank, money in his wallet, financial aide on the way, he will have food in the fridge (if asshole takes him grocery shopping). He starts classes on monday. I guess I am just worried that he won't take care of "stuff". *sigh* I will call him on Monday and make sure that he is on top of it.

I am making a drink, and going to watch the news and wind down. Not like I am wound up at all. Just feeling alittle blue, Jake leaving, D and the brat leaving on vacation for 2 weeks.Today all I have done was got up and did some stuff around the house. Then packed up a picnic and drove over to D's house to meet him for lunch. I won't see him for 2 weeks and we knew that the last chance at being alone would be lunch today. We romped and fell asleep in each others arms, then woke up and ate cold chicken, sliced tomatoes, slaw and cold grilled vegetables. All leftovers from last night. A very nice little "nooner". I am very fortunate to have met this man. He really makes me smile, makes me laugh, make me realize life is not so bad.

Interesting developments

2006-08-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

Well, after talking to my attorney about trying to "settle" this whole divorce mess, she called his attorney with a buy out proposal. She asked him to discuss it with Asshole and let her know if he was interested. Well his attorney promptly sent her a letter indicating he didn't quite understand what she was proposing and to please put it in writing. She called me and encouraged me to try and communicate with Asshole, to see if he was interested in any of the proposed otherwise it would cost a pretty penney to draft an offer, and he wasn't interested then it was a big waste.

SO I bit my lip and called him. The conversation went surprisingly well. We agreed that it would make sense to try and discuss a possible settlement, and he was open to some of my ideas. It also sounds like alot of the snarkyness came from his lawyer, not him. Although I am not going to let him completely off the hook as he saw all the snarky correspondence that I have been receiving!

So Saturday he picks up Jake, and Monday we will have a sit down discussion after work to see if we can hammer out some type of compromise.

Last night I spent the night at D's. Last time for a while, as Jake won't be home to stay with the pooches. I can't leave them home alone. It was nice, even though he didn't get home from City Council until 1am. The city he works for the council is absolutley insane! Their meetings regularly go to 12 and 1 am. I complain about my Council, but they are tame by comparison. We stayed up past 2 talking and loving, then the alarm went off at 5 am! If you have never slept with a deaf guy, the alram is quite different. The bed vibrates, but there is an audible alarm also. The other times I have stayed over I have him turn off the sound, and it is not so annoying. But the sound and the bed shaking s a little crazy. And of course he sleeps right through it! We stayed in bed until 6:30, got alittle more sleep. Suffice to say I am exhausted! And there are 10 people coming for dinner tonight! Making burgers, so not too much work. *sigh* Tomorrw I am sleeping way in!

Coming to terms

2006-08-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched Terms of Endearment on TV. Kind of a dumb thing to do considering how depressed I have been feeling for the last few days. Anyhow I cried, and cried. This morning I came to work and was on the verge of tears too. I also drank too much.

It is going to be a tough week. Jake moves back to school, D and the Brat leave Saturday for a 2 week vacation. I am really going to be alone.

Found out late last week that asshole could not take Jake up to school tomorrow, when he was SUPPOSED to move in because he had changed jobs. So now he is taking him up on Saturday. Which means I will have to see him, and I am sure that I will lose it. I probably shoud vacate the premises so there is no confrontation.

I did however take the dogs to the dog park sunday night. So I at least feel better about that. Daisy was very happy!

NOT!

2006-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT! NOT! NOT!

Sun Daze

2006-08-13T17:01:00.000-07:00

Lazy day for me, although I did wake up and cook a huge breakfast for the kids, D and the brat. Everyone showed up about 11, and I made bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Yummy, always fun to overdose on pork products on the weekend. Candice hung for a bit to do laundry then took Jake over to a buddies. I closed my eyes after they left and didn't wake up for about a hour and a half.

Busy weekend. I had a City Council workshop for 5 hours on Saturday. That was awful. I could bitch about it for days, but suffice to say, it was another session of biting my tongue. At least the CM and my boss, who was not there, could have communicated my goals to me before they were announced via the workshop.

Friday I drove to Diego, Torrey Pines, with D to pick up the brat from golf camp. It has been so nice not having him around for the 2 and a half weeks. Back to normal.

Last night I went to a surprise 25th anniversay dinner for D's brother and sister in law, organized by the MIL. When the happy couple got there they did not look so happy! Lets say it was maybe not such a pleasant surprise. I sat next to the sister in law, D's brothers wife. Interesting. She is from England, no accent any more, but her mom still has one. She was ok. Not particularly friendly, but polite. His brother I hardly spoke to.

I am feeling a bit guilty about the dogs. Have not been to the dog park in ages. First we had the horrible heat, and now I have been lazy. Although it still is a bit hot for the dog park in my opinion. I need to reevaluate my daily schedule and look at the possibility of getting up earlier and walking them. Since asshole left I have not been able to get into any type of routine. And with the brat being gone it has made things worse as D and I have tried to spend almost every night together. Now that things are sorta back to normal, I thought I would try and get my act together.

Poor Sprocket

2006-08-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

This morning Sprocket wasn't himslef. Was pacing the bedroom, would not eat his breakfast, and basically fell over while he was walking. I went into panic mode. I think it was because of the nightmare I had last night. Anyhow called and took him right to the vet. $420 later, it seems he has really bad arthritis. The disks in is back are compressed and he has bone spurs all up and down his back. So he ws just in alot of pain. We are however still waiting for the blood and urine panels to come back. More pain meds, he is already on one daily for is arthritis, metacam. Now a new one. I just feel bad for my little old man.

Home Sweet Home

2006-08-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Got back late afternoon yesterday after way to many hours behind the wheel. Arrived in Chico right at 3 pm on Friday, just in time to get Jake and head back down to Sacramento for the evening. We checked into the hotel which was across the street from the state capital, went to dinner and then tok a nice walk around capitol park. The capitol building is not very impressive, but the park was! There are tons of varieties of trees. All marked. I am not sure of the history of the park, but there must be a reason that there is such a wide variety of trees planted there. We also saw the FIrefighters memorial, which is dedicated to all the California Firefighters who lost their lives in the line of duty, and the Vietnnam memorial which is the same. California Vets who were killed in action.

Back in the room, which was nice, on the 20th floor and a corner room with a view, we got a movie. The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. It was funny, although I fell asleep halfway through. That was the 2 martinins with dinner.

Left Sacramento at 8 am on Saturday and rolled into the driveway at 2. I hate all the driving and am so happy to be home with my dogs, and to have Jacob here too. We went to Candices for dinner, and to hang out at the pool. D and the brat came over too. I must say since the stint at diabetes campt, the brat has mellowed quite a bit. We will see what happens when he gets back from Golf camp, which he is being shuttled to today.

I missed D. Hadn't seen him since Friday morning, and have not had sex for several days! So I am ready. I am hoping he will come over and spend the night tonight after he gets back from San Deigo, and dropping of the brat and camp.

So another week of being able to sleep together. It will be hard after getting used to it, to stop. I am hoping we will still be able to figure out a night here and there.

Back at work tomorrw. It doesn't seem like I had a weekend. Oh well.

Endometreosis

2006-08-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

I have suffered from this for years. Since I was diagnosed at about 17 years old. Had several surgeries to remove growths, including one to remove a tumor the size of a grapefruit when I was 23. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 30. I never tried to get pregnant and have a baby, but I have been told several times that it would have been hard if not impossbile. When I was really young, early 20's it was just the opposite. If you get pregnant, the endometriosis will probably go away never to return. Well I got shafted both ways, no babies, and still in pain.

This month, ie TODAY is especailly awful. Felt like a searing pain in my gut. Stayed home with a heating pad and lots of advil. I usually have something stronger in the house, but I don't today. fuck.

To complain some more tomorrow I have to drive to Chico to pick up Jake. I am looking forward to seeing him, but not to the drive. The plan is 7am to Chico, arrive about 3pm. Pick up Jake, drive to Sacramento, about 2 hours, stay at the Sheraton, drive home Saturday morning. I just hope I start feeling better!!

So I won't post agiana til Saturday or Sunday. He will only be home a couple weeks before he moves back up to start the Fall semester. I can't believe he is a college student.

6 months

2006-08-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

Six months ago today Natalie died. I am not dwelling on it. But I remember. I suppose the first of each month I will always think of her death. It was almost like we picked the day she would die, in a way. We decided when we would take her off life support. So the day she died, was the day we decided she would go.

I am wondering if I am the only one thinking this. I wonder if the kids connect it at all. Probably not.

I am about to get my period. So I am a bit grumpy, and my back hurts, and I am complaining a bit. HA! Ok alot!

I am hungry, and I shoudn't be. I had a big lunch, and breakfast. This morning I got on the scale and officialy am down 20 ppounds. So to celebrate I drove through Mac Donalds on the way to work and ate breakfast. I had soup for lunch, at my favorite chinese place. They do the best chicken noodle soup. Ramen noodles, and broth, then they sautee veggies and chicken and put it on top of the bowl with the noodles. Very filling and healthy. But for some reason, I am hungry and it is only 3:30. Probably becasue I am PMS, makes me ravenous!

The Dream

2006-07-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

The more I thought about the dream, the more I thought I should write it down. I think that part of it was prompted by an article I read in the San Diego Union, it was an interview with 2 different church leaders. One eastern, musilm, one western, chrisitian. They both felt that worldwide signs indicated it was the end of days, or the end of the world as we catholics call it. I supppose since I was a kid I have surpressed a fear of this. My mother would constantly chime"it's the end of the world", every time some significant negative world event occured. As a child, it frightened me. As an adult I suppose that fear comes to the surface. My mother was and still is a lunatic.

But in the dream my sister was there. She had a book, with pictures, and was trying to show me all the signs of what was happening all over. Pictures of statues and stone gods. I kept tearing the pages of the book up, but she kept trying to show me. She told me it didn't matter if I tore tha pages up, it would still happen. My sister is dead, for those of you who haven't followed my story. So I suppose that as I thought more about this, it seems as if my sister, from the other side, is trying to tell me something.

D was in the dream, and I was trying to talk to him and he couldn't hear me, and wasn't paying attention. When I finally got his attention he told me that he would not believe me becasue I had lied before, so why shouldn't he believe what Barbara (my sister) was saying. It was distressing because the person I feel the safest with now, D, was not my ally in my dream.

I know that there is too much shit going on in my life now, and maybe I need to clean up some of the stuff. There is one thing going on now, that I won't even write about here in my secret of secret places, that I need to "deal" with. And no it is not any type of substance abuse.

I need a clearer conscience.

Back to reality

2006-07-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

After a long weekend of bliss. We did nothing. We slept in, ate breakfast in bed, layed by the pool, drank good wine, ate good food, walked into town for fun and dinner one night. I have not felt this relaxed in years.

Brat is at camp. And he is there until August 5th!!!! So even though we are back to the daily drind, there is still a reprieve from the kid. D needs it bad. Being a single parent of a high maintenance kid can kill ya. He is looking so much better after the wind down weekend.

I was doing the same until this morning when D woke me up from a horrific nightmare, which then became a daymare in a sense becuase I couldn't get it out of my brain. I am still a bit distressed by it.

Asshole (aka almost ex husband) used to tell me not to tell people what I was dreaming becuase they would think I was crazy, and should be locked up. Sometimes from the content of my dreams I alos think so. I am not sure what it means when you dream so intensly and so vividly, but I am sure it is something wierd.

My sister was in this dream, as was D. Not sure I want to go there.

The Brat

2006-07-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have covered the level of brattiness that I am dealing with, right? Well just when you thought it couldn't get any worse! Last night the collective "we", D, I, the brat and a friend of the brats went to a Dodger game. Leaving the game, the brat thinks its really funny to laugh, point, say rude things and eventually flip off the car next to us that is trying to merge out of the parking lot and into our lane, all the while D has no idea what is going on in the back seat, and is fighting traffic. I twice told the brat not to antagnonize the people in the car next to us, they were inches away. And so was his friend, but the brat says "whats does that mean?", and the friend responds what you are doing right now! The rest of the ride home he wanted to blast music, Dad says no, so he asks me, I ignore him and tell him not to put me in that position, overriding dad. So he starts to talk smack about his dad to his friend, and I can hear it all! I bit my tongue not to say something to embarrass him in front of his friend, but I wanted to say, your dad may be deaf, but I can hear every word you say and I can talk too!

BTW, did I mention D is hearing impaired and reads lips? He speaks clearly, but if he isn't looking at you he can't "hear" what you are saying. Makes for fun in the bedroom, lots of sex with the lights on.

A Real Vacation?

2006-07-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

On Thursday "d" (the guy i am seeing) and I will be going to San Deigo for 3 nights. He is dropping his son off at diabetes camp for 10 days, thank god, and we are going straight to San Diego from there. Staying at the Hotel Del Coronado. A really nice place and is supposed to be haunted.

I am using up my American Express points, for 2 of the nights, before my ex can claim a part of those too! I just want to eat, sleep, have sex, swim in the ocean and the pools, and do it all over again. The only thing that is now making me wonder is that the brat, which I will call d's teeager, has threatened to get thrown out of diabetes camp becasue he doesn't really want to go. I swear if he does that I will refuse to leave San Diego, and d will have to figure out how to deal with it.

I met d's mom today. She is amazing!!!!! She is in her late 90's, and looks 70, and is incredible! She was planning on cooking a big dinner, but her power had been out since 12 noon, we arrived at 3. By 4:30 still no power so we went out for dinner. She walks the mall every morning, she keeps a perfect house, I hope I am like her when I am that old. I think she liked me, when d went into the house, we were sitting on the patio after dinner, she told me she had not seen him that happy for a long time, and that he had been very depressed. I can imagine, a single dad trying to raise the brat. No sex, no social life to speak of, and a very demanding job. I really think that we were destined to find each other.

I had a power failure last night, the heat is horrible, and the humidity is awful. Southern California is not supposed to be humid. so WTF is that all about! Can't wait until fall, the time change, which will cool things off in and of itself.