Deck the Halls

It is inevitable that this time of year the pressure begins. In the short weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas so much needs to be done. This year I am going to try and not wait until the last minute for much of it. My Holiday Newsletter and Christmas cards will get written and sent by December 9th (I hope), the tree will go up the following weekend (fingers crossed), and any shopping other than on-line will be accomplished also by 12/9 (yea right). I want to enjoy the time around Christmas and not be running around.

I'm pretty good about this if I write lists, then cross things off the lists. perhaps I can accomplish the impossible by the use of a simple list.

Next year I decided that presents should be given as good deeds done for others instead of materialist items. The kids were OK with it, they are old enough and compassionate enough after everything we have gone through to realize how much that type of giving means. I thought that a whole years notice on the changeover would be fair, since all these good deeds have to be done during the year to be given on Christmas.

To me all the commercialism during the holidays is such a turn off. Give me a pretty tree, a Christmas classic on TV or some carols, a drive though the neighborhood to look at lights, or baking some cookies any day over a bounty of presents under the tree.

Gobble Gobble

Well the final count for thanksgiving was 19. I had a 27 pound bird. It was too much, but the school of thought ranges from 1 pound per person to 1 ½ pounds per person, even thought I had 2 vegetarians, I had 6 20 something and teenage boys who eat like there is no tomorrow, so I didn’t want to be running out of turkey.

It was more than enough; I had lots of leftovers for the next night and still have too much in my fridge. I will either have to throw it away or freeze what I can.

I am back at the office after a week off that was really nice. At least with Jake home I actually did stuff, and didn’t sleep all day. I accomplished enough during the week, including cooking for the mob, to feel like the rest I did get was warranted.

Been thinking about Nat a lot. Tonight the wind was blowing outside; when she was little she used to be afraid of the wind. If the windows or sliding glass was open while it was winding, as she called it, she wanted it closed and would close them. During the summer months in Tahoe it drove me nuts, but it’s winding Aunt Ann.

There were some very severe wind storms that would knock out power and trees that really frightened her. It lasted until she was an adult, and still unconsciously would shut the windows when the wind started blowing.

So goes the holidays. They will only get worse, Barbara’s birthday the 9th, then the holidays, Barbara’s death date 1/2, Nats 2/1. Not to mention all the holly and ivy in between.

Amazing

I just want all of you to know, that knowing you are there is a tremendous help. A relief, seeing those comments helps me to realize that I' not alone, and I am normal.

This are busy now that Jake is home, and oh how nice it is to have him home. I have been more motivated in the last 2 days since he arrived, than in the last 2 months!

I've been making him home cooked meals, I hit the Farmers market with Candice and a couple other people on Saturday morning. That was fun, everyone was doing their Thanksgiving produce shopping, and yesterday I even went to the nursery, a project I have been putting off for months, to pick up some plants for a large planter in the front of the house. I was tired last night after buzzing around all day.

Today Candice is having her annual pre-thanksgiving thanksgiving. For the last few years, probably 4, she has had a party the day before thanksgiving at her little place. Usually about 20 people, a pot luck. But it is fun and cozy. This year she decided to switch the day since everyone is to hung over Thanksgiving morning (LOL) and some of her friends are going away for the holiday. This is much better, late afternoon today. So there won't be the after party down at the local watering hole.

Looks like I will be having 17 for Thanksgiving. Thats soo cool. The last years I see my family fall apart, yet somehow I created a bigger one.

I hope the blues don't hit when Jake goes back to school. I think I am just lonely half the time.

It's all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.