PMS

Yea, its that week again. The week I get weepy, bitchy and hungry. If I could come up with 4 other words I could call it PMS and the seven moods. The weepy started a couple days ago when I started to miss being married. Yea I know I'm crazy. I don't miss the ex, I miss the companionship, then the bitchy hit today at work with some people are just so lame they should be fired. The hungry has been going on also for a couple days. Usually by the time my period starts most of these symptoms wil lbe gone, but that won't be until the middle of next week!

So next week I am only working one day, which will be nice. A bit of a vacation. Although I am not going anywhere. Hopefully I will feel like doing stuff, and not just laying around and veging.

This weekend not many plans, tonight sushi with the kids, tomorrow I am taking my car in for service, Saturday a Dodger game and nothing on Sunday. Cuz the bithchiness has arrived I am not looking forward to the game where I will have to deal with the "kid". Although my kid is going to so I will sandwhich myself between him and D for safety.

The Weekend

Well for once I have had a semi-productive weekend. Friday I took advantage of the sale at Osh, and avoided the weekend crowds. Came home with 5 medium large pots. And 5 bags of wood chips. The pots are for the patio, I want to container garden and put some flowering and pretty green plants on the patio. Right now I have 2 pretty large ficus trees, and thought some additional color would be nice. The wood chips are to spread under a trellis that I have in the back yard. There is a dirt area that I want to put tow more Adirondack chairs on and it gets quite dusty, so the chips should make it look nicer while keeping the dust down at bit.

Yesterday I went to the farmers market and took Daisy and Roscoe into the groomers for baths! Sprocket will go next weekend, he gets a cut too. Then I decided to finish unpacking the last room. It only took a couple hours to either put away or throw away the last of the "stuff". I still have to put together on of my claw foot tables, need some screws, and hand a couple more pictures. Other than that its done. The only problem is that it is now a room with no use. So far my treadmill and a bookcase and a small chest are in there, but it has no function.

I want to turn it into a TV room, but that means getting the direct TV people out here to move the box, and to also get something to sit on in there. I am thinking the multi functional futon would be a good idea. So I have a place for any potential guests to sleep, and a couple of comfy chairs. That still leave my treadmill in the middle of it all, but oh well. THats the next step.

Today Jake is having a bunch of his friends over for a late birthday celebration. I got to get to the market to pick up snacks and sodas, I will be taking them all out for a Chinese feast later in the afternoon. We will go to a very traditional chinese rsturant in the heart of a nearby heavily Asian community. The place is a hole inthe wall but has great food, and thankfully prints there menu in english and chinese. My favorite is Soup DUmplings. yum.

Melancholy Baby

Feeling a little bit so. Also sick, cough,cough, sneeze, sneeze, blow, blow, sigh. Natalie is on my mind tonight.

Daisy's blog has some new entries too.

Busy Weekend?

So it seems like it was, although I really did not accomplish the things that I set out to do. I even made a list of all the projects in order of cost, the low cost stuff, like finishing unpacking the last room, medium cost stuff like new bedding to match my yellow walls, and high cost stuff like getting a new roof.

I did however take Jake to the DMV so he could flunk the test to renew his permit, got my first estimate for the new roof, got my hair done, went to the farmers market, grocery shopped for my mother, and cooked fathers day birthday dinner last night for 8.

The menu consisted of Tri-Tip marinated in red wine, rosemary and garlic, which I promptly overcooked! Cheesy mashed potatoes, green beans, cucumber, curylypepper, onion and tomato salad. This is an incredibly delicious concoction that one of the vendors at the farmers market always has to taste when his veggies are ready. You just combine all the aforementioned veggies and kosher salt, pepper and lemon juice. One of my summertime favorites.

I also watched the movie "The Band Played On", on Saturday night. I was solo.

Almost the Weekend

I am ready for some R&R, and some projects. Although this weekend I won't get to much done as I have alot of commitments to deal with. Sunday is Fathers Day and Jacobs birthday, so dinner at my place for the gang, tomorrow I have a roofer coming for an estimate, taking Jacob to the DMV and a hair appointment, then D is coming over at 5. Saturday is pretty open, I need to grocery shop and do the farmers market so I have some yummy stuff for Sunday. But I will make a list of all the projects I want to do. I am finally feeling a little motivated.

Karma

Well, I always want to believe in Karma. What goes around comes around, good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people, and all that. But with everything that has happened to me sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve it? I think I finally am going to start believing in Karma.

I found out that ex-husband got fired from his very high paying job. Yep, about 2 weeks ago, which is about 2 weeks after the divorce was final. A couple of things to note, if this had happened a couple months ago, I could have been out about $50,000 in a spousal support settlement, not monthly payments I negotiated a lump sum for various reasons. Yep, that's right. But the timing was very good, thank you Karmic Gods for doing the deed but sparing me while doing it. Now I can just know that karma does exist and its time for me to get some good juju.

How do you like my new chairs? I bought them for the back yard for under the trellis, but they look so nice on the front porch, well it is sort of a porch, and it so nice to sit under the tree in the early evening with the breeze, that I decided to leave them there, and I wen and got 2 more for the back. There was a big sale and they were greatly reduced.

New Lamps for Old

One of my favorite stories when I was growing up was about Aladdin. It wasn't the traditional story, it was sort of a side note. It was on an old LP and sometimes my mom would put in on the record player for us to listen to as we were falling asleep, sort of a self service bedtime story. I would force myself to stay awake until she came in and flipped it to the other side so that I could hear the whole story and the end, but usually I fell asleep. The narration was superb, and the way the narrator enunciated some of the words was just comical. I do remember one part of the story where the main character wanted to get rid of his "lamp", in the market place was a vendor calling out "New lamps for old, New lamps for old".

Yesterday I went and bought a new lamp for my bedroom. It reminded me of this story from my childhood.

The gangs all here!

The weekend is upon us. I am looking forward to this evening as both my kids will be here for dinner. Jake is home for the summer and will be home tonight, and Candice will be over at 6. I am making steaks on the grille, simple, but yummy. I also have a movie for us, it should be fun.

Candice is so busy these days working several jobs and going to school. I am most proud of what she is doing now. She has got an apprenticeship as an assistant stylist for a big magazine that is geared to the teen set. If it helps you to guess we were reading it when we were kids! She changed her major (again) to fashion merchandising/marketing, and should be done with her BA in about a year and a half if she goes part time.

Of course my dogs are here too. So it will be a lovely relaxing happy time.

Final?

Last night I had a bit of a revelation. Yea, sounds pretty stupid, but I realized I might be lonely. Duh? Jake has been home now for a couple weeks, on summer break. So I have been cooking more and had someone around. Last night I got home started some dinner, made a drink and went out to sit on the patio to throw the ball for Daisy and Jake came out to sit and talk. It was nice, someone to share the day with, hang out, cook dinner for. I thought to myself maybe I am just lonely sometimes. Having a partner does have its benefits I suppose.

Relationships are complicated. Last week finally got a letter in the mail that told me my divorce was final, as of May 21, 2007. When I opened it, thinking it was yet another bill from the attorney, I was shocked to read the legal filing of disillusionment. In a way I was sad, I didn't tell anyone that. Everyone seemed so happy for me. But in a way it was also a sad day. It meant I failed as a wife. It meant I was single at the age of 47. It meant that I was closer to being alone at retirement than I wanted to think about. I think my mouth dropped open when I read the letter, and I think I still am in shock about the whole thing, perhaps I think I am living in some fog.

I love D, and we see each other on the weekends, and I think I would like to have someone around more, but maybe not full time. I think that I do not want to marry again, not that it has been ever discussed.

BTW the pic has nothing to do with the post.

I'm Back

After quite a bit of a hiatus I have decided it is good for my soul to be blogging once again. I have distracted myself by creating a couple of other blogs, one that reviews food spots and the other that has a political bent on the local scene.

But now I want to come home and snuggle back with my old friends and readers and hopefully catch up with everyone and their lives.

Missed you. Its good to be home.

Today

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

And the walls come a tumbling down....

Its been a long time since I wrote. I have been trying to aviod my real feelings by doing food reviews,and creating a political blog in my hometown. But you can't avoid the inevitable.

I'm home. At least that what it is supposed to be. I like my space. But it is so weird. I am alone. My sister is gone, my Natalie is gone, my husband is gone, my home is gone, my divorece is all but final, I am trying to create a new life with new routines, and a new home. Some days it is ok, some days I can't do it. I just cry. I feel lonely.

So i hide behind what ever is around. Somedays I feel like just downing myself in booze and pills.

Help me I am drowning.

A New Begininng

On March 9th I moved into my new home. As you can probably guess I have been busy unpacking, nesting, trying to get comfortable. It has been easy. I feel as if I belong, even the dogs adjusted quickly to their new "spot".

It's different, it's smaller, it's older, but it is mine. I am flying solo and it feels good.

I have been sleeping better, I am not as lonely as I was in the other house, I think I found my niche, myself too.

Yesterday i fed 10 people corned beef and cabbage. It was delicious! My first little tete in my new home!!

Holding On

How do we put one foot in front of another, get out of bed in the morning, and make it through the day. How do we hold on to sanity when the odds are all against it. How do we manage. Why can't we change what has happened, control the past the outcome, make it all better. Why?

Today when I thought I was holding on, i lost it. Driving home, i saw it in the road, i thought it was a squirrel. It was a small dog, a chihuahua laying dead in the road. All alone, small and helpless. There was nothing I could do but cry. Be sad for the poor thing, that had no collar, probably no responsible owner. Otherwise it would be sitting on a pink pillow eating something yummy. I HATE irresponsible dog owners.

The only think I could do for the poor thing, was cry, was to sob all the way home, being sad for why it happened. Wishing it had not, dreaming that I could change the impossible. Because I can't make you come back little baby. You are gone, and it is sad, and I am soo sorry.

Fear of Flying

Today I had the inspection on my "new home". I am finally getting excited about this, and the fear of the mortgage, fear of being on my own, the fear of the unknown is starting to dissipate and the and anticipation of a new beginning, where to put my furniture and hang my artwork is taking over. This is good.

So there are a few problems, all I pretty much already knew about, no surprises, which was good. In good faith I didn't ask for credits, I asked for the washer and dryer.

It has been a busy week. Actually crazy busy in the fact I have to work on 2 of my regular day offs, but just a few hours each day. Relief!

CG at Amusings wants me to get to a concert here locally, I am gonna try! I suppose I should buy tickets and commit!!!

I am making some pasta for dinner. Noodles with peas, bacon, and some sauce made with a little butter, milk and Parmesan cheese. Simple. Trying to clean out my freezer and eat whats there. Which is alot. I suppose I should start pulling things out of the freezer, so when they defrost I cook them. My new fridge is very small compared to this huge built in I have now!

Little Boxes

Wasn't that a song by Pete Seeger? Anyhow the house if full of boxes now. I spent all of yesterday packing up the kitchen, most of it is done. I also have a huge pile of stuff to give away!!!! I can't believe how much stuff I have.
Candice was here helping and talked me into getting rid of one set of dishes.

I was really tired after yesterday. D and I went to have sushi, well I had sushi he had other stuff. He is not a big sushi head. It was good and I feel asleep as soon as I got home.

I am still in bed now, it rained last night, and all my friends are curled up with me. I should start packing up books now *sigh*. I am excited about moving, but also wishing that it was March 11th or so. It would be over.

Home is where the heart is

I bought a house. It is around the corner from me. You can look at it here until it comes off the market "officially". It needs paint and other things, but it will be mine, and I don't have to move out of my neighnorhood which I love.

A year ago

Natalie died.

Burning the candle at both ends

I am posting at 3 sites, not including my-meadow, my real home. They are:
Daisy the dog.
Rants and Raves and Reviews

And this one. Black and White and Read all over.

Maybe I am over doing it, I suppose I am just trying to keep busy. DUH!

A Ghost from the Past

There is something that I need major advice on. I am not sure if I have even mentioned it here on the blog, so I may need to backtrack a bit. Back on November 13 I received this e-mail:

"Hey Annie G,

I only have a moment. It's poker night. I'm pretty good at Texas Hold 'em. A man has to have his priorities straight. The reason I didn't receive your earlier e-mail is my account was closed. Just simply didn't have time to fool with it. As luck would have it, I'm currently building a vacation home for an attorney from St. Louis, who requires me to communicate via e-mail.

Mom died three years ago after a long wasting away kind of illness. Dan & Brenda are fine. We aren't nearly as close as we once were. Dan borrowed $ 150,000 from me to float a big electrical job he was doing. It took me six years to get it back. You can imagine that made me a little upset.....

So, would you be interested in marrying me & living happily ever after in Stringville on the Ponderosa???????????? Where are you going to find a world traveling, fifty year old man/child, who's never been married, has no children & loves you so much I'm crying as I type this letter.............................

cell xxxxxxxxxx

Gotta go. It's still poker night!

Love always,"

This was the third of a series of "catch up" e-mails. He finally got an e-mail about Natalie, and we started playing "catch up".

This is a man I lived with for 3 years in Tahoe. We broke up and 2 years later my sister died, I needed a contractor to help me fix up my house so I could sell it. He and his brother (an electrician) flew out to California (from Missouri) for a week and worked on the house. He also offered to marry me, as his sister an attorney indicated I would have a much better chance at getting custody of the kids if I was married, instead of single.

I kept in touch with his sister, we were very close, and occasionally I got a card of letter from him. I politely declined the proposal, but in my heart I wanted nothing more than to pick up and run away. The family owns a huge ranch in South East Missouri, a beautiful part of the country. I saw myself starting over and being free from this life of pain and sadness and really "starting over" but with someone familiar and kind.

But my sensible side takes over, my relationship with D, my job and retirement. I really love him even though I know that the fact his kid really is what is the most important. That became clear last week.

Anyhow I have had several e-mails, and a dozen long stemmed roses, and then this e-mail today:

"Hey Annie G,

What's the latest???????? Did you sell your house? Have you found new lodging? How many steps are there to the front door???????? Are you O.K.????????????????????????

Beth gave me a copy of the newsletter. You have had one hell of a year!!!
Speaking of which, I do believe Tuesday is the day of your birth!!! By all means, Happy Birthday to you, Annie G!!!!! I only wish I were there to celebrate with you. Maybe I could make you laugh out loud or give you an extended embrace from an old friend................ I'd better stop right
there- think I gettin' wood!

Now then! I am currently planning MY 50th birthday getaway. It includes palm trees, tropical breezes, secluded beaches, a 38 ft. sailboat w/captain, fine dining every night and all the adult beverage you care to consume on a daily basis! Remotely interested??????????

Seriously, Phil & I want you to join us for a week in the Carribean! Phil's birthday is April 6. Of course, mine is March 10th 7 yours is, well......tomorrow! We are flying into Tortola, sailing to Virgin Gorda to dine at "The Bitter End", come around to St. Johns for a day at Turtle Bay, maybe have some cocktails at "Skinny Legs", then onto Jost Van Dyke for an evening at Foxy's. Back to Tortola to check out the rock cliffs at "The Baats". Oh, and we have to purchase grossly overpriced t-shirts everywhere we stop!!!! You can be present in any capacity you choose, but you must be present!

I'd love for you to be there with us and so would Phil. You can have your pick of Staterooms. We'll grind fresh coffee beans for you every morning, bring you breakfast in bed, let you sleep until the "crack of noon". It will be our birthday gift to you! Ten years worth!! or more..............

Love you bunches! (Circles in fact)

Happy birthday Annie G!

Love always,"

This is on the verge of the man I am dating and having sex with forgets about my birthday, because he was too busy planning snowboard trips for his son, including one he is the chauffeur for, back to back weekends, and no one asked if maybe I would want to do something special for my birthday. Including asking me if I would like to join in on the Ski/snowboard trip. I am an avid skier in case I have not mentioned that, 10 years of living in Tahoe.

I suppose I should put up all the e-mails to really explain. But most of you would be bored. Any suggestions?