Pathetic Again

OK so I am feeling pathetic once again. I believe the last time I mentioned this was right after Nat died. I have been wanting to post. I have been writing posts in my mind. Sort of like blogging daydreams. But have not put it into real word on the screen for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will read. I am supposed to be OK now. Its been a year and a half since Nat Died, my husband left me, my divorce is final, as of May 21st, I have boyfriend, a house a job. So what is wrong?

I think I might be depressed. I am gaining weight, eating too much, drinking too much, sleeping too much. I have a list of things I need to do and no motivation. For a few weeks it was to hot to do anything, and I have been financially challenged. But things are better now. Weather is nice, my bank account is not double digits, I could plant my flower boxes and the pots on the patio, there is lots to be done.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't want to do anything. I am sad, lonely, disappointed, I want to sleep all the time. I need some motivation, some friends, some purpose.

Jake is back at school, Candice is too busy now to spend any time with me. For the last 10 years I took care of everyone, my kids my husband. Made their lives better. Now they are all gone, and my life sucks. I don't have anyone to take care of, no one to talk to , to cook for, to yell at, to remind to take their medicines, to pick up after, its just me and the pooches. Just me.

Heat Wave

Well the weather finally turnind to summer. I have been putting the air on every day, but so far have been able to turn it off at night. Soon that will be history too. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. Since I don't consider myslef very patriotic I won't post an entry about the US of A, but I will say that we really need to do something about all those young men who are losing thier lives over in the middle east. They need to come home and be with thier families now.

I have been really emotional I will chalk it up to PMS and the seven little dwarfs. I found out yesterday that my two darling children (yes that was said sacastically) are going to have dinner tonight with my ex and his "family". WTF! Since when should they be socializing with the enemy! It upsets me to no end. Bite my tongue!

Busy Weekend?

So it seems like it was, although I really did not accomplish the things that I set out to do. I even made a list of all the projects in order of cost, the low cost stuff, like finishing unpacking the last room, medium cost stuff like new bedding to match my yellow walls, and high cost stuff like getting a new roof.

I did however take Jake to the DMV so he could flunk the test to renew his permit, got my first estimate for the new roof, got my hair done, went to the farmers market, grocery shopped for my mother, and cooked fathers day birthday dinner last night for 8.

The menu consisted of Tri-Tip marinated in red wine, rosemary and garlic, which I promptly overcooked! Cheesy mashed potatoes, green beans, cucumber, curylypepper, onion and tomato salad. This is an incredibly delicious concoction that one of the vendors at the farmers market always has to taste when his veggies are ready. You just combine all the aforementioned veggies and kosher salt, pepper and lemon juice. One of my summertime favorites.

I also watched the movie "The Band Played On", on Saturday night. I was solo.

The gangs all here!

The weekend is upon us. I am looking forward to this evening as both my kids will be here for dinner. Jake is home for the summer and will be home tonight, and Candice will be over at 6. I am making steaks on the grille, simple, but yummy. I also have a movie for us, it should be fun.

Candice is so busy these days working several jobs and going to school. I am most proud of what she is doing now. She has got an apprenticeship as an assistant stylist for a big magazine that is geared to the teen set. If it helps you to guess we were reading it when we were kids! She changed her major (again) to fashion merchandising/marketing, and should be done with her BA in about a year and a half if she goes part time.

Of course my dogs are here too. So it will be a lovely relaxing happy time.

Final?

Last night I had a bit of a revelation. Yea, sounds pretty stupid, but I realized I might be lonely. Duh? Jake has been home now for a couple weeks, on summer break. So I have been cooking more and had someone around. Last night I got home started some dinner, made a drink and went out to sit on the patio to throw the ball for Daisy and Jake came out to sit and talk. It was nice, someone to share the day with, hang out, cook dinner for. I thought to myself maybe I am just lonely sometimes. Having a partner does have its benefits I suppose.

Relationships are complicated. Last week finally got a letter in the mail that told me my divorce was final, as of May 21, 2007. When I opened it, thinking it was yet another bill from the attorney, I was shocked to read the legal filing of disillusionment. In a way I was sad, I didn't tell anyone that. Everyone seemed so happy for me. But in a way it was also a sad day. It meant I failed as a wife. It meant I was single at the age of 47. It meant that I was closer to being alone at retirement than I wanted to think about. I think my mouth dropped open when I read the letter, and I think I still am in shock about the whole thing, perhaps I think I am living in some fog.

I love D, and we see each other on the weekends, and I think I would like to have someone around more, but maybe not full time. I think that I do not want to marry again, not that it has been ever discussed.

BTW the pic has nothing to do with the post.

A Ghost from the Past

There is something that I need major advice on. I am not sure if I have even mentioned it here on the blog, so I may need to backtrack a bit. Back on November 13 I received this e-mail:

"Hey Annie G,

I only have a moment. It's poker night. I'm pretty good at Texas Hold 'em. A man has to have his priorities straight. The reason I didn't receive your earlier e-mail is my account was closed. Just simply didn't have time to fool with it. As luck would have it, I'm currently building a vacation home for an attorney from St. Louis, who requires me to communicate via e-mail.

Mom died three years ago after a long wasting away kind of illness. Dan & Brenda are fine. We aren't nearly as close as we once were. Dan borrowed $ 150,000 from me to float a big electrical job he was doing. It took me six years to get it back. You can imagine that made me a little upset.....

So, would you be interested in marrying me & living happily ever after in Stringville on the Ponderosa???????????? Where are you going to find a world traveling, fifty year old man/child, who's never been married, has no children & loves you so much I'm crying as I type this letter.............................

cell xxxxxxxxxx

Gotta go. It's still poker night!

Love always,"

This was the third of a series of "catch up" e-mails. He finally got an e-mail about Natalie, and we started playing "catch up".

This is a man I lived with for 3 years in Tahoe. We broke up and 2 years later my sister died, I needed a contractor to help me fix up my house so I could sell it. He and his brother (an electrician) flew out to California (from Missouri) for a week and worked on the house. He also offered to marry me, as his sister an attorney indicated I would have a much better chance at getting custody of the kids if I was married, instead of single.

I kept in touch with his sister, we were very close, and occasionally I got a card of letter from him. I politely declined the proposal, but in my heart I wanted nothing more than to pick up and run away. The family owns a huge ranch in South East Missouri, a beautiful part of the country. I saw myself starting over and being free from this life of pain and sadness and really "starting over" but with someone familiar and kind.

But my sensible side takes over, my relationship with D, my job and retirement. I really love him even though I know that the fact his kid really is what is the most important. That became clear last week.

Anyhow I have had several e-mails, and a dozen long stemmed roses, and then this e-mail today:

"Hey Annie G,

What's the latest???????? Did you sell your house? Have you found new lodging? How many steps are there to the front door???????? Are you O.K.????????????????????????

Beth gave me a copy of the newsletter. You have had one hell of a year!!!
Speaking of which, I do believe Tuesday is the day of your birth!!! By all means, Happy Birthday to you, Annie G!!!!! I only wish I were there to celebrate with you. Maybe I could make you laugh out loud or give you an extended embrace from an old friend................ I'd better stop right
there- think I gettin' wood!

Now then! I am currently planning MY 50th birthday getaway. It includes palm trees, tropical breezes, secluded beaches, a 38 ft. sailboat w/captain, fine dining every night and all the adult beverage you care to consume on a daily basis! Remotely interested??????????

Seriously, Phil & I want you to join us for a week in the Carribean! Phil's birthday is April 6. Of course, mine is March 10th 7 yours is, well......tomorrow! We are flying into Tortola, sailing to Virgin Gorda to dine at "The Bitter End", come around to St. Johns for a day at Turtle Bay, maybe have some cocktails at "Skinny Legs", then onto Jost Van Dyke for an evening at Foxy's. Back to Tortola to check out the rock cliffs at "The Baats". Oh, and we have to purchase grossly overpriced t-shirts everywhere we stop!!!! You can be present in any capacity you choose, but you must be present!

I'd love for you to be there with us and so would Phil. You can have your pick of Staterooms. We'll grind fresh coffee beans for you every morning, bring you breakfast in bed, let you sleep until the "crack of noon". It will be our birthday gift to you! Ten years worth!! or more..............

Love you bunches! (Circles in fact)

Happy birthday Annie G!

Love always,"

This is on the verge of the man I am dating and having sex with forgets about my birthday, because he was too busy planning snowboard trips for his son, including one he is the chauffeur for, back to back weekends, and no one asked if maybe I would want to do something special for my birthday. Including asking me if I would like to join in on the Ski/snowboard trip. I am an avid skier in case I have not mentioned that, 10 years of living in Tahoe.

I suppose I should put up all the e-mails to really explain. But most of you would be bored. Any suggestions?

Day Two

Sick! Home coughing up a lung. I haven't been this sick in a long time. Taking cough medicine, cough drops advil and going through my third box of lkeenex in 3 days. I actually went to work yesterday, and have to go tomorrow. I feel better now than I did this morning. I think I am getting the cough under control with the meds.

The weather today was not January weather, it was at least 80, if not warmer. It will cool off tomorrw and perhaps rain later in the week. We get so little cool weather I just hate when our winter gets interrupted with some unseasonable temps.

The kids are coming for dinner. I am not up to it, but it will be easy, just rilling steaks and making some baked potatoes. I wil have candice put together a salad.

No Room at the Inn

Well I went back to work this week. It was slow as expected, although I spent quite a bit of time trying to deal with an "impostor" my-space account that someone put up and used the picture of the Chief of Police of the City I work in. LOL. It was actually a pretty funny site. Next to his picture was "We are here to beat your Ass". Then a 4 minute clip of police brutality, some policemen beating the shit out of someone!!

So after about a dozen e-mails to my-space and our attorneys the site came down. The photo was taken off the City web site. People don't realize how easy it is to just steal your identity, camera phones, scanning, we sites. If it exists anywhere in cyberspace or in print it can be found and used.

Looks like the house sold. We are going back with the offer, counter offer game right now. But I think this will be it. I will soon have 60 days in which to find a new home and then start a new life. I suppose that should be a countdown I shouldn't miss.

Jacob got his grades. He failed every class but 1. I was appalled, so was he. I dont think he realized he had done that poorly. So now he is on academic probation. If he doesnt get his act together he will be kicked out, and have to come home and go to jr. college. This I would not be happy about, especially since in about 60 days I will be moving from my spaciouss 2500 sq ft home built on 4 lots, over a third of an acre. To a 1100 sq ft home built on a postage stamp. No room at the Inn. That will not be a "good thing".

The Ghosts

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.

All Carols all the time!

Been thinking a lot about life, death, holiday time and what it all means if anything. This has been a difficult time for me. What isn’t (whine). I was grouchy for about 2 weeks, and now I am just working through it all.

I started listening to Christmas carols on the all carols all the time radio station on the way to pick up Jacob from the airport Friday; have not changed the station since. Made dinner for the gang Friday night, it was nice to have everyone together. Saturday night D and I went to dinner. The restaurant was all decked out for the holidays, we had fun. I even finished all my shopping!!!

Sunday I made a wreath and hung the stockings, yesterday I finished my Christmas newsletter which gets included with the cards I am supposed to be sending; haven’t done that yet. The only reason I even wrote a newsletter this year was because I have been getting cards from people I only hear from once a year. They didn’t know Nat died or Asshole left me! They will be in for a big surprise!

Today I took my staff out for lunch; I do this every year for Christmas. They pick the place, I pick up the tab. Tonight I go to the brats Christmas program, since he is in Choir at school. It should be fun. Get to hear teenagers sign Christmas carols. At least the can’t be snarky while they are singing.

I am taking time off from work through out the holidays, and am looking forward to having some fun. Maybe seeing a few movies, cooking some yummy meals, looking for a place to live. Forgetting about what is sad, and creating a few new memories. I just hope D realizes just because he is taking a week of, we don’t have to spend it all with the kid. I really want some time with him, and no kid.

More Food!

Cooked up another storm yesterday. Candice and her boyfriend Billy and his mom Becky, and D and the brat and Candice friend C. So there were 7 of us.. I BBQ'd king crab legs and claws, chicken, made pilaf and asparagus rissoto, corn on the cob and cucumber salad. We had fun. Drank way to much wine and talked at the table til almost midnight. It was interesting because all of us had lost a spouse or a mother or a sister, Billy's father died a bout 5 years ago, so that was Becky's husband. D's wife, the brats mom ,and you know who Candice and I have lost; my sister her sister and her mom. Made for interesting if not sad converstaion. Although Becky and I had fun naming Candice and Billy children. LOL!

Boy do I have alot of leftovers in the fridge!

What Big Ears you have!

This cute little doe was up on the hillside earlier this week! Roscoe was going bananas barking his fool head off at her and she was unphased. I think seeing a deer brings me luck, so I always have a better day when one happens through the yard. Or wanders along one of the canyon roads as I drive to work.

D and the brat got home from vacation last night. He is coming over this afternoon, and then they and then they are coming for dinner, along with Candice, Billy and Cristina. So I am making double baked potatos, marinated tri tip, in red wine rosemary and garlic, and country pork chops in margarita marinade, heirloom tomato salad, corn on the cob and ceasar salad.

So needless to say I am finally in a decent mood, although I have to say I feel like crap. Got my period and have a killer headache for some odd reason.

I start golf lessons tomorrow. I am finally doing it after talking about it talking them for about 2 years now. They are Saturday mornings at 9 til 10:30. THis way I can hit balls on fridays or sundays. I am looking forward to learning how to play.

I am Back

So here I am in a different place, with a different life. I am worried that my soon to be ex husband will read my blog, so I have not been posting. He had found it once. Not that it will make any difference, I just don't need any more uglies coming from him.

My last post was April 10, which was over 2 months ago. A lot has happened in those two months. Some real good stuff too!

I met someone and have been dating them since April 9th. He is incredible. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up and tell me I have been dreaming. I will write more about him later.

Youngest is graduating from high school on 6/20. Another milestone. I will soon be all alone in the house, except for the dogs.