The Ghosts

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.

It Works!

Well looky there it is now working. It only took a few days. Those blogger bone heads. I highly recommend that you DO NOT convert your blog until they have the bugs worked out of the monster!

I moved home to www.my-meadow.com and gave up on blogger when it ate my blog, but I was trying to post to rattie-pooh and low and behold I signed in at it worked!

What up wid dat!

There's no place like home

I really want to go back to my home at my-meadow. I feel like a fugative, posting here so my soon to be ex can't read any secrets of my new life, so I don't have to worry about being spied on. I don't know why I should care, but I do. I know he was there once upon a time, but I don't know if he followed me or even cares to. I guess I am just a bit paranoid.

Sometimes I wonder if my life could have been any different if I did things differently. It just seems as if I have experienced more than my fair share of crap. Notice I used the word fair. Probably nothing is really fair about sadness and tragedy. There is no more normal here, just day to day, whats next? Right now I look forward to having no IV and no wires sticking out of the finger so I can do really easy things like cook, wash dishes and shower without swathing my body in plastic wrap. I have always said little things make me happy, I'll bet no one realized how little those things were.

God I pray that things don't get worse. Because I know that they can.

kaiser casualty

ok first of all i am typing this with one finger and one hand, so there will be lots of typos. long story but the short version. tues night i broke up a spat between sprocket and daisy. got several puncture wounds on my left hand which bled alot. it was late, about 11 and i did not want to go to th er at Kaiser, my health care provider, in LA ABOUT A 30 MINUT DRIVE. WENT TO WORK WEDS AM, CALLED AND MADE AN APPT WITH A DOC AT 2:30.

BY 10 AM I WAS IN such pain (sorry about the caps) that my assistant B (who is also a dear friend) took me to the er. possible fracture on my ring finger in the joint, probable infection. antibiotics and pain meds, and come back in 2 days for a recheck. they would refer me to ortho etc. the er doc also lectured me on how big a deal this was. dog bite and all. i think so that i would be sure to return.

i made a follow up for friday, 2 days later with my doc at 9:30 am. fortunatly d was able to drive me. my doc immediately refered my to ortho downtown to be checked, she did not like the look of my finger. we drove into la for an 11 am appt with the ortho. he saw my funger and said needs to be opened up an drained, i need to be on iv antibiotics immediately and i will be admitted to the hospital until sunday.

so with this in mind, i proceed to sit in the orthopedic waiting room while they supposedly find a bed for me in the hospital, which is across thee street. i ask them how long will it be, v5 hours latercan i go home and come back? they dont know, and i cant leave beacuse i might eat or drink. i proceed to remind them that i am a grown adult, and if i know i am hving surgery in a few hours why would i compromise my own well being? i needed to get the dogs to a kennel because i hd no one to take care of them, and of course i couldnt get a hold of my kid. i am gettin really pissed, in alot of pain, and i cant eat or drink so i cant take pain medicaution. finally at almost 5 pm, when the doc said i was going to have surgery they send me to the er. because they still have no beds. in the er, they have no bed either, so i sit on a gurnet in the hall with D trying to keep me from totally losing it. craccking silly jokes, and threatening to sing if i get out of control (remember, he is deaf, and cant sing). anyway they fibnally put me in a oom start an IV give me something for pain and some IV antibiotics. my surgey happens about 8 pm friday night.

D stays until i am put in a room. thank god i was not alone i probably would have completely lost it. at least the night nurse was kind. the only positive thing i can say about that experience. she kept me comfortable with medication and pillows proping up my arm. i came home yesterday, so only one night in th hospital. but in retrospect i should have stayed in. i was so sick i threw eberything up, including the antibiotics and pain meds. d and the brat, who after yesterday i wont call a brat anymore, he was really sweet. he is now known as the kid. they stayed with me until almost 10 pm. were going to spend the night but didnt have all of the kids night time meds, his lantus, long acting insulin. i made it through the night. woke up feeling better and it seems as long as i get something in my stomach with the pills the nausea stays in check.

go back to the docs on tuesday for a recheck. he apparenly opened the wound and packed it so it would drain. not sure what he will be doing on tuesday, probably taking the packing out which sounds painful.

so here i am laying in bed with the dogs, diasy on the florr the little ones snuggled up. typing with one hand and feeling sorry for myself. if anyone knows if blogger has a spell check i would love to know, as you can see the next few posts will probably be in a messy format as one handed typing is ackward.

Monday Monday

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?

Results

Well it went better than I expected. I was able to remain fairly calm, and cried some, but not hystericaly. The results of about an hour of discussions are:1) he can't afford to just buy me out, which would mean getting a mortage big enough to give me my share so I could walk away 2) we agreed to put the house on the market 3) I would outlines the conditions which I would agree upon for the sale/showing?etc 3) if house sells over the holiday period a long escrow so I don't have to move around Christmas 4) I can have final say on the selection of the realtor, which we will both interview.

So I suppose I will have to live in the house until it is sold. As long as everything is on my terms I will have to deal with it. I promised to get an outline of conditions to him by sometime next week.

The only good thing is that I won't have to move for a while, houses usually don't sell around the holidays, and it probably won't be on the market for at least a month. We have to interview realtors etc.

Negotiations

I meet the jerk tonight at the house to try and negotiate a settlement. I normally would not have suggested he come over but I know he wanted to get some of his stuff including his dishes. And since I had already packed up most of his stuff, his stuff, not joint stuff, it makes sense to just let him take it away. We will go somewhere to talk after that, or maybe just sit down at the table. Depends on how I feel.

I am not looking forward to this and am already on the verge of tears, which make me think leaving the house would be a good idea since it might keep me from bawling. Not sure why I want to cry, but maybe its because I still can't believe all this is happening to me.

In my wildest of dreams I think maybe he will change his mind, and not want to go through with it. But then I realize, I really don't want to be married to this jerk anymore. I want someone who is not so self centered. SO this is inevitable. And it needs to be over as soon as possible.

D and the brat are in Tahoe right now. I think that is making me even more melancholoy. I keep getting text messages from him describing my old home. Makes me homesick. He sent one that said "wish u were here". I din't respond, because I would have been if I had been invited. I wasn't. And it was probably not a good idea for me to go. The brat would have surely felt like I was horning in on his vacation. Although they are golfing almost every other day, so I don't know how that would have been possible!

Anyhow I will report in on how this night of horror goes. Hopefully I will be able to tolerate it and not get to emotional. Wish me luck.

NOT!

I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT! NOT! NOT!