Almost Christmas

I picked up Jacob today at the airport. He arrived with a backpack of dirty clothes, claiming he forgot all the presents (gift cards) he got, and exhausted from staying up all night. He has this "problem". For some reason the night before he comes home he doesn't sleep. At first I thought it was because he was afraid he would not wake up and miss the shuttle, and he confessed originally that was the reason. But now he wakes up for classes, the alarm actually works, so waking up really shouldn't be a problem. But I think it might be anyway. As for the gifts, I really don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Just having him home safe for the holidays is gift enough. He promptly went out with all his buddies for Ramen. LOL!

I am making meatloaf, baked sweet potatoes and roasted carrots for dinner, I thought Jake might be home, so I wanted him to have some comfort food. I guess D will come over and help me eat it, and Jake will eat leftovers late if he can stay awake!!

I have not started wrapping gifts . I thank God for whomever invented the gift bag. Throw the gift in the bag, add tissue an viola! Its wrapped, no tape no scissors, nada. The only thing is this year I have several presents too big for bags. A Wii, a microwave, and a large box with a fancy pan with a lid. The rest should fit into bags. Hopefully I have enough bags or I will have to resort to wrapping.

Grinchy

I am feeling extremely grouchy the last couple days. I have also had some pretty awful nightmares. Not sure if it’s the holidays, p.m.s., or just life. This year I decided to do nothing for the people at work. I exchange with 2 people here, have for years, so only did that. I used to take my whole staff out for lunch on my dime somewhere nice. But this year I just said forget it, it just seems like a lot of effort that not everyone appreciates. So Bah Humbug.

I think talking to my ex-husband on Monday night probably didn’t help my mood either. He is so nonchalant. Like nothing ever happened. Before he said good-bye he said well I guess I will see you on Sunday when I pick up Jake. Yea right in your dreams! It tortures me to see him, to talk to him. I didn’t want to be divorced; I don’t suppose he gets that. He might move to Hong Kong for a couple years for work, I say please go, the farther the better, less chance of ever having to run into you or talk.

I did finish my Christmas cards. I can’t believe I actually got through that exercise. So everything is done, one gift to buy menus to plan and shop for Christmas Eve and day, then all the gifts to wrap.

I have been giving Daisy her allergy shots very 4 days. It seems like they might be working. She is not licking her paws as much. I hope so, as she really seemed miserable for awhile there.

I am trying to keep up with this site a little more. I think it helps to keep me grounded.

A Noble Tree

Well although the cold turned into a cough I managed to get a tree and "almost" finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Friday I left the house early to hit the Mall. By the time I left at noon, there was no parking to be found.

I was lucky. I went home with some Udon soup from Whole Foods, and took a nap.

Saturday Candice came over and we went ot buy a tree. All trees and tree stands were sold out at our first stop, out second stop priced the trees as you asked, slimey as far as I was concerned. So we scored a Noble Fir at the third place. I wasn't going to buy a noble, but this one called out to both of us. It was the tree. the first tree in the new house.

Here it is. Oh, and Sprocket too.

A cold

Well I have come down with an awful cold. It was the worst on Wednesday and I stayed home from work and in bed. Today I have a lingering cough, that is requiring cough syrup. I took some at 4:30 am this morning so I could get back to sleep, and when it wore off I went and finished up all my, actually most of my, shopping. I still have to find a couple more things for D.

I am back at home now hacking away and took some more magic syrup. I am thinking if I don't fall asleep I will try and get to work on my Christmas cards.

Christmas Time is Here.....

Notice the little face in the window? I took a photo of the front of the house with a wreath on it to put in my Christmas letter, and noticed that Roscoe wanted to be part of it.

Today I drug out all the Christmas boxes. I am having a hard time finding my Christmas dishes. I have a set of plates and a couple serving platters that are snowflakes I like to use during the season. I packed them during the move, and now I can't find them. I am bummmed cuz I have table cloths to match, and candle holders too. Maybe it was not meant to be. I bought them specifically because they were not to Christmasy, they were blue and white, the ex was Jewish, so it was nice not too have Santa's and stuff. Gee. I hope I can find them.

Got a bunch of shopping done too. Have a couple more on-line purchases and then a few things to pick up and then I have to shop for D and I will be done. He is very hard to buy for, he doesn't want anything, doesn't need anything.

So I am going to go work on my Christmas letter and hope I don't get to depressed writing. it.

Deck the Halls

It is inevitable that this time of year the pressure begins. In the short weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas so much needs to be done. This year I am going to try and not wait until the last minute for much of it. My Holiday Newsletter and Christmas cards will get written and sent by December 9th (I hope), the tree will go up the following weekend (fingers crossed), and any shopping other than on-line will be accomplished also by 12/9 (yea right). I want to enjoy the time around Christmas and not be running around.

I'm pretty good about this if I write lists, then cross things off the lists. perhaps I can accomplish the impossible by the use of a simple list.

Next year I decided that presents should be given as good deeds done for others instead of materialist items. The kids were OK with it, they are old enough and compassionate enough after everything we have gone through to realize how much that type of giving means. I thought that a whole years notice on the changeover would be fair, since all these good deeds have to be done during the year to be given on Christmas.

To me all the commercialism during the holidays is such a turn off. Give me a pretty tree, a Christmas classic on TV or some carols, a drive though the neighborhood to look at lights, or baking some cookies any day over a bounty of presents under the tree.

Gobble Gobble

Well the final count for thanksgiving was 19. I had a 27 pound bird. It was too much, but the school of thought ranges from 1 pound per person to 1 ½ pounds per person, even thought I had 2 vegetarians, I had 6 20 something and teenage boys who eat like there is no tomorrow, so I didn’t want to be running out of turkey.

It was more than enough; I had lots of leftovers for the next night and still have too much in my fridge. I will either have to throw it away or freeze what I can.

I am back at the office after a week off that was really nice. At least with Jake home I actually did stuff, and didn’t sleep all day. I accomplished enough during the week, including cooking for the mob, to feel like the rest I did get was warranted.

Been thinking about Nat a lot. Tonight the wind was blowing outside; when she was little she used to be afraid of the wind. If the windows or sliding glass was open while it was winding, as she called it, she wanted it closed and would close them. During the summer months in Tahoe it drove me nuts, but it’s winding Aunt Ann.

There were some very severe wind storms that would knock out power and trees that really frightened her. It lasted until she was an adult, and still unconsciously would shut the windows when the wind started blowing.

So goes the holidays. They will only get worse, Barbara’s birthday the 9th, then the holidays, Barbara’s death date 1/2, Nats 2/1. Not to mention all the holly and ivy in between.

Amazing

I just want all of you to know, that knowing you are there is a tremendous help. A relief, seeing those comments helps me to realize that I' not alone, and I am normal.

This are busy now that Jake is home, and oh how nice it is to have him home. I have been more motivated in the last 2 days since he arrived, than in the last 2 months!

I've been making him home cooked meals, I hit the Farmers market with Candice and a couple other people on Saturday morning. That was fun, everyone was doing their Thanksgiving produce shopping, and yesterday I even went to the nursery, a project I have been putting off for months, to pick up some plants for a large planter in the front of the house. I was tired last night after buzzing around all day.

Today Candice is having her annual pre-thanksgiving thanksgiving. For the last few years, probably 4, she has had a party the day before thanksgiving at her little place. Usually about 20 people, a pot luck. But it is fun and cozy. This year she decided to switch the day since everyone is to hung over Thanksgiving morning (LOL) and some of her friends are going away for the holiday. This is much better, late afternoon today. So there won't be the after party down at the local watering hole.

Looks like I will be having 17 for Thanksgiving. Thats soo cool. The last years I see my family fall apart, yet somehow I created a bigger one.

I hope the blues don't hit when Jake goes back to school. I think I am just lonely half the time.

It's all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

My Horoscpe today

If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.

Six years

On October 14 it was my 6 year blogging anniversary. I meant to write that day, to talk about what has happened over that time, but I couldn't bring myself to rehash some of those events. And I can't now either. I will say that I have abandoned my-meadow.com, it will go offline on October 31st, and this will be my only site, other than Daisys blog. I will eventually attempt to convert the archives over, but I am not sure when that will happen.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Fall, autumn, whatever you call it is my most favorite time of the year. The weather starts to change, the leaves start to fall, the evenings warrant a blanket, or a sweatshirt. In Tahoe I loved them even more. Brisk, windy, colors, frost, the smell of the fireplace. But I no longer live there, so I will have to learn to love southern California Fall. The owls start to hoot in the evening, I love this. At the other house, I could see them because of the view, roosting. When they would hoot, their little butts would push up, and they would lean forward and really get into it. I still have the image in my mind, so the sound is enough. The acorns on the oak trees fall, when the wind blows it sounds like hail on the roof! The big ring neck doves love them, so do the squirrels and the deer. I am fortunate to live in an area where I actually see more wildlife than I did in Tahoe. I wish it would rain.

BTW. I didn't so the boot camp. I talked t the trainer at length, I was worried about my bad knee which needs TLC in Yoga class. He didn't recommend it, but thought that a personal trainer 3 times a week could accomplish the same results. So now way right now. I will

Commitments

I am thinking about doing this. It starts on Monday and it is from 6-7 Monday-Friday for 4 weeks. The program is actually 6 weeks, but I am signing up late. Actually I think I can stomach 4 weeks to start with, if it works and I like it I will do 6 more weeks maybe. I am kind of nervous; I haven’t committed to do anything like this for a long time, at least by choice. I think it will be good for me. Perhaps I will lose some weight, god knows I need to do that, and gain a little self esteem, and actually feel better once the soreness wears off, if it ever does.

Another Day

I have not been writing much lately. Not sure what is up not motivated. I was in downtown LA for a few days on jury duty, actually got selected as an alternate on a 3 week trial, it was settled the first day. In a way I kinda wanted it to last the whole 3 weeks, it would have been a nice change of pace for me. I was riding the train into downtown, walking all over at lunch time. I had plans to visit the Cathedral, Disney concert hall, china town and Olvera Street during my lunch excursions. Ridng the train was so nice, and it dropped me off across the street from the courthouse! No stress from traffic. So my plans were erased, and I am back to the grind at work, with a bunch of idiots. Thank god my staff are at least good people.

I thought a complete change of pace for the time during the trial would be so good for me. I dd not have to leave for the train until about 8, so I could get up and walk in the morning. Explore a bit during the day, and ride the train home in the evening. I meet a couple of interesting people on the jury. A woman who was a library director for a college, a retired black guy from pasadena who was very nice. I was hoping to get to know them better. Oh well.

This possible experience kinda makes me wonder if I decided to take 2 weeks off from work and force some type of routine on myself that is different, how it might make a change for me. I mean I am such a recluse now. I mean walking to get coffee with the dogs every morning, perhaps exploring downtown on the train, or other local spots in the afternoon, I guess evenings will be the same. My worry is that I will take 2 weeks off and sleep the whole time.

Pathetic Again

OK so I am feeling pathetic once again. I believe the last time I mentioned this was right after Nat died. I have been wanting to post. I have been writing posts in my mind. Sort of like blogging daydreams. But have not put it into real word on the screen for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will read. I am supposed to be OK now. Its been a year and a half since Nat Died, my husband left me, my divorce is final, as of May 21st, I have boyfriend, a house a job. So what is wrong?

I think I might be depressed. I am gaining weight, eating too much, drinking too much, sleeping too much. I have a list of things I need to do and no motivation. For a few weeks it was to hot to do anything, and I have been financially challenged. But things are better now. Weather is nice, my bank account is not double digits, I could plant my flower boxes and the pots on the patio, there is lots to be done.

So what the fuck is wrong with me? I don't want to do anything. I am sad, lonely, disappointed, I want to sleep all the time. I need some motivation, some friends, some purpose.

Jake is back at school, Candice is too busy now to spend any time with me. For the last 10 years I took care of everyone, my kids my husband. Made their lives better. Now they are all gone, and my life sucks. I don't have anyone to take care of, no one to talk to , to cook for, to yell at, to remind to take their medicines, to pick up after, its just me and the pooches. Just me.

Middle of the week

I took off today. My boss is out of town and I thought it might be nice to hang. I originally thought that D would also be off since he just got back from vacation, but he went back to work. One of my dearest friends, who was my maid of honor, that I had not seen for quite a while came over to see the house and go to lunch. Which was really nice, I needed to connect to someone, and it was perfect seeing her and catching up on things. She only lives about 30 miles away, but sometimes it seems like 10 times that.

We went to a little Greek place in town, she had Greek salad I had veggie sammie and a Greek side salad. It was good, we talked about divorces, she is going through one, and mine is finally over, gossip and the kids. I wish she was closer, she used to be my neighbor when I lived in Tahoe, that is how we met. I have known her for over 20 years.

I also took Daisy to get a bath. She has been itchy, and licking her paws alot. I hope that this will make her more comfortable.

Another Weekend

So its Friday. Candice got back last week and she came over with her bf for dinner on Wednesday. It was good to see her, she had a fun time and got to experience both southern hospitality and the racism that is still rampant in areas of the US.

Today the Direct TV person is moving my receiver to my new den. Yes folks no more TV in the living room, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. I feel the living room/dinning room (mine is a combo)is for social interaction, and family time. If someone puts on the TV that ends quickly. If you want to watch TV, go to the den so everyone does not have to watch with you.

This stems from a variety of things. I hate watching the shows the kids used to watch, I would prefer quiet, and at the old house this is the way I set things up, but the house was huge and the den had built in everything for the TV and other components.

Here I have a spare bedroom that works as a small den. One whole wall is built in shelves which will be great for a flat panel once I get around to buying one (months from now I am sure).

I fit a love seat and 2 chairs in it, perfect for TV viewing. So the last thing to do was to have the TV moved. Well since that part of the house is built on a slab it has become a big project to get the cables for the Direct TV run there. He was under the house, now on the roof. Its gonna happen its just taking hours. Once the TV is installed I will set up the rest of the room. Have a couple of hours of stuff to do, then hang some pictures on the wall. Tonight I will be watching TV in that room. Not to mention it is on the NW corner of the house and is the coolest room in the summer time.

I am taking Daisy to a trainer this afternoon. She has issues when going for walks and seeing other dogs. So i am going to see what I can do to work on it. I think the main problem is Roscoe. He goes crazy then Daisy follows suite. We have pretty much confirmed this as yesterday walking Daisy with out Roscoe and things were much better.

This last week at work was really hell. My boss is a complete asshole. It is amazing what a thoughtless, lazy, jerk he is.

Lazy

This is a picture of the trellis in the backyard. I almost lost it during a big wind when a tree limb broke off onto it. The limb cost me $400 to cut off and remove, the trellis leans a little now, but was saved.

This weekend I have been fairly lazy. After last weekends busyness I supposed I earned it, but I still feel sorta guilty. I did my running around, my errands, even went to the farmers market. But both yesterday and this afternoon I took naps, nice long naps. I think it the oppressive heat outside, its humid, and I have no energy.

I'm bored, lonely, bordering on depression probably, but everyone left at the same time. Candice will be back next week, hopefully she will make time to see me. The boys won't be back until about the 30th, that's is a ways off.

I made my favorite summer salad last night. Tomaotes, curly peppers, red onion, cucumber, lemon and salt and thats all. I like to make it with all the ingredients fresh from the Farmers market. It was delicious and I at the rest for lunch today with half a turkey sandwich.

The vendor I buy everything but the tomatoes and the lemon from is only there from May to October or so. He is so nice a big Hispanic guy who makes big bowls of the salad while you stand there and puts it out with toothpicks for everyone to try. He makes a great business selling his produce. I buy my tomatoes from someone else, I like either beefsteaks or heirlooms. It's so nice to go there, to taste the freshness, peaches, nectarines, plums, it really is the highlight of my weekend. I also bought some late season sweet corn, lettuce, potatoes and some squash.
I had to go to Trader Joes to get the lemons since they are out of season.

The batteries in my camera died last week when I was trying to take a picture for this post. So no pictures of the new furniture in my little cottage until later. I like calling it a cottage Y! It totally fits, thanks!

Catching up Again

It seems like things have been so busy over the last couple weeks. Maybe it is just me. I Have been exceptionally busy at the office, and in the evenings at home too. D has been over alot since the brat has been at camp. This coming week everyone leaves!

Monday Jake goes back to school. It happened alot sooner than I expected. Basically he wasn't supposed to leave until about th 18th, but because he is moving into an apartment, the EX has to move him because he has the truck. Well as you all know the EX was fired from his job a bit ago, and now is going to be doing some consulting for an old employer, but in India. So he has to leave for India on the 17th, which means Jake has to move up to school early. His classes don't even start until about the 27th.

Wednesday D and his son leave for a 2 week vacation, and Friday Candice leaves. She is going to Atlanta for a week with Teen Magazine. She is working for them now as an assistant stylist. So I will definitely be alone all at once.

Tonight Jake is having a couple friends over and we are all going to go out to eat. Not sure where yet. I am leaning towards Chinese, since it is fairly inexpensive for a crown of teenage boys. There will be 7 of us.

I bought new furniture for the house, now I need to get painting since nothing matches! I got a red sofa and 2 black and white flower print chairs, big puffy ones, for the living room. It looks so much better than my ultra modern stuff from the old house. This house is much more of a cottage, and the modern leather just did not look right. The couch was about to collapse anyway, it has these metal legs that were broken in the move.

I also bought stuff for the Den/TV room. A love seat and 2 chairs. I am having Direct TV come out to move the set up, no no more TV in the living room. That is a pet peeve of mine, and I really don't like it. The color scheme in there is pinks and green with a little red. I will post pictures when ever thing gets set up properly.

Whine and Wine

Had a fabulous time in the wine country, losts of good tasting, brought home lots of good wine, and ate lots of good food. Will put up a better port about the trip. GOt ack Monday night, and then Tuesday Jake had surgery on his toe. Ingrown toenail problems. Poor guy. Had a couple days back at the office. Reality bites. I am getting ready to go to the dentist! yuk!

WIll be back with a numb mouth, and some pictures of my trip.