The gangs all here!

The weekend is upon us. I am looking forward to this evening as both my kids will be here for dinner. Jake is home for the summer and will be home tonight, and Candice will be over at 6. I am making steaks on the grille, simple, but yummy. I also have a movie for us, it should be fun.

Candice is so busy these days working several jobs and going to school. I am most proud of what she is doing now. She has got an apprenticeship as an assistant stylist for a big magazine that is geared to the teen set. If it helps you to guess we were reading it when we were kids! She changed her major (again) to fashion merchandising/marketing, and should be done with her BA in about a year and a half if she goes part time.

Of course my dogs are here too. So it will be a lovely relaxing happy time.

Final?

Last night I had a bit of a revelation. Yea, sounds pretty stupid, but I realized I might be lonely. Duh? Jake has been home now for a couple weeks, on summer break. So I have been cooking more and had someone around. Last night I got home started some dinner, made a drink and went out to sit on the patio to throw the ball for Daisy and Jake came out to sit and talk. It was nice, someone to share the day with, hang out, cook dinner for. I thought to myself maybe I am just lonely sometimes. Having a partner does have its benefits I suppose.

Relationships are complicated. Last week finally got a letter in the mail that told me my divorce was final, as of May 21, 2007. When I opened it, thinking it was yet another bill from the attorney, I was shocked to read the legal filing of disillusionment. In a way I was sad, I didn't tell anyone that. Everyone seemed so happy for me. But in a way it was also a sad day. It meant I failed as a wife. It meant I was single at the age of 47. It meant that I was closer to being alone at retirement than I wanted to think about. I think my mouth dropped open when I read the letter, and I think I still am in shock about the whole thing, perhaps I think I am living in some fog.

I love D, and we see each other on the weekends, and I think I would like to have someone around more, but maybe not full time. I think that I do not want to marry again, not that it has been ever discussed.

BTW the pic has nothing to do with the post.

I'm Back

After quite a bit of a hiatus I have decided it is good for my soul to be blogging once again. I have distracted myself by creating a couple of other blogs, one that reviews food spots and the other that has a political bent on the local scene.

But now I want to come home and snuggle back with my old friends and readers and hopefully catch up with everyone and their lives.

Missed you. Its good to be home.

Today

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world

And the walls come a tumbling down....

Its been a long time since I wrote. I have been trying to aviod my real feelings by doing food reviews,and creating a political blog in my hometown. But you can't avoid the inevitable.

I'm home. At least that what it is supposed to be. I like my space. But it is so weird. I am alone. My sister is gone, my Natalie is gone, my husband is gone, my home is gone, my divorece is all but final, I am trying to create a new life with new routines, and a new home. Some days it is ok, some days I can't do it. I just cry. I feel lonely.

So i hide behind what ever is around. Somedays I feel like just downing myself in booze and pills.

Help me I am drowning.

A New Begininng

On March 9th I moved into my new home. As you can probably guess I have been busy unpacking, nesting, trying to get comfortable. It has been easy. I feel as if I belong, even the dogs adjusted quickly to their new "spot".

It's different, it's smaller, it's older, but it is mine. I am flying solo and it feels good.

I have been sleeping better, I am not as lonely as I was in the other house, I think I found my niche, myself too.

Yesterday i fed 10 people corned beef and cabbage. It was delicious! My first little tete in my new home!!

Holding On

How do we put one foot in front of another, get out of bed in the morning, and make it through the day. How do we hold on to sanity when the odds are all against it. How do we manage. Why can't we change what has happened, control the past the outcome, make it all better. Why?

Today when I thought I was holding on, i lost it. Driving home, i saw it in the road, i thought it was a squirrel. It was a small dog, a chihuahua laying dead in the road. All alone, small and helpless. There was nothing I could do but cry. Be sad for the poor thing, that had no collar, probably no responsible owner. Otherwise it would be sitting on a pink pillow eating something yummy. I HATE irresponsible dog owners.

The only think I could do for the poor thing, was cry, was to sob all the way home, being sad for why it happened. Wishing it had not, dreaming that I could change the impossible. Because I can't make you come back little baby. You are gone, and it is sad, and I am soo sorry.

Fear of Flying

Today I had the inspection on my "new home". I am finally getting excited about this, and the fear of the mortgage, fear of being on my own, the fear of the unknown is starting to dissipate and the and anticipation of a new beginning, where to put my furniture and hang my artwork is taking over. This is good.

So there are a few problems, all I pretty much already knew about, no surprises, which was good. In good faith I didn't ask for credits, I asked for the washer and dryer.

It has been a busy week. Actually crazy busy in the fact I have to work on 2 of my regular day offs, but just a few hours each day. Relief!

CG at Amusings wants me to get to a concert here locally, I am gonna try! I suppose I should buy tickets and commit!!!

I am making some pasta for dinner. Noodles with peas, bacon, and some sauce made with a little butter, milk and Parmesan cheese. Simple. Trying to clean out my freezer and eat whats there. Which is alot. I suppose I should start pulling things out of the freezer, so when they defrost I cook them. My new fridge is very small compared to this huge built in I have now!

Little Boxes

Wasn't that a song by Pete Seeger? Anyhow the house if full of boxes now. I spent all of yesterday packing up the kitchen, most of it is done. I also have a huge pile of stuff to give away!!!! I can't believe how much stuff I have.
Candice was here helping and talked me into getting rid of one set of dishes.

I was really tired after yesterday. D and I went to have sushi, well I had sushi he had other stuff. He is not a big sushi head. It was good and I feel asleep as soon as I got home.

I am still in bed now, it rained last night, and all my friends are curled up with me. I should start packing up books now *sigh*. I am excited about moving, but also wishing that it was March 11th or so. It would be over.

Home is where the heart is

I bought a house. It is around the corner from me. You can look at it here until it comes off the market "officially". It needs paint and other things, but it will be mine, and I don't have to move out of my neighnorhood which I love.

A year ago

Natalie died.

Burning the candle at both ends

I am posting at 3 sites, not including my-meadow, my real home. They are:
Daisy the dog.
Rants and Raves and Reviews

And this one. Black and White and Read all over.

Maybe I am over doing it, I suppose I am just trying to keep busy. DUH!

A Ghost from the Past

There is something that I need major advice on. I am not sure if I have even mentioned it here on the blog, so I may need to backtrack a bit. Back on November 13 I received this e-mail:

"Hey Annie G,

I only have a moment. It's poker night. I'm pretty good at Texas Hold 'em. A man has to have his priorities straight. The reason I didn't receive your earlier e-mail is my account was closed. Just simply didn't have time to fool with it. As luck would have it, I'm currently building a vacation home for an attorney from St. Louis, who requires me to communicate via e-mail.

Mom died three years ago after a long wasting away kind of illness. Dan & Brenda are fine. We aren't nearly as close as we once were. Dan borrowed $ 150,000 from me to float a big electrical job he was doing. It took me six years to get it back. You can imagine that made me a little upset.....

So, would you be interested in marrying me & living happily ever after in Stringville on the Ponderosa???????????? Where are you going to find a world traveling, fifty year old man/child, who's never been married, has no children & loves you so much I'm crying as I type this letter.............................

cell xxxxxxxxxx

Gotta go. It's still poker night!

Love always,"

This was the third of a series of "catch up" e-mails. He finally got an e-mail about Natalie, and we started playing "catch up".

This is a man I lived with for 3 years in Tahoe. We broke up and 2 years later my sister died, I needed a contractor to help me fix up my house so I could sell it. He and his brother (an electrician) flew out to California (from Missouri) for a week and worked on the house. He also offered to marry me, as his sister an attorney indicated I would have a much better chance at getting custody of the kids if I was married, instead of single.

I kept in touch with his sister, we were very close, and occasionally I got a card of letter from him. I politely declined the proposal, but in my heart I wanted nothing more than to pick up and run away. The family owns a huge ranch in South East Missouri, a beautiful part of the country. I saw myself starting over and being free from this life of pain and sadness and really "starting over" but with someone familiar and kind.

But my sensible side takes over, my relationship with D, my job and retirement. I really love him even though I know that the fact his kid really is what is the most important. That became clear last week.

Anyhow I have had several e-mails, and a dozen long stemmed roses, and then this e-mail today:

"Hey Annie G,

What's the latest???????? Did you sell your house? Have you found new lodging? How many steps are there to the front door???????? Are you O.K.????????????????????????

Beth gave me a copy of the newsletter. You have had one hell of a year!!!
Speaking of which, I do believe Tuesday is the day of your birth!!! By all means, Happy Birthday to you, Annie G!!!!! I only wish I were there to celebrate with you. Maybe I could make you laugh out loud or give you an extended embrace from an old friend................ I'd better stop right
there- think I gettin' wood!

Now then! I am currently planning MY 50th birthday getaway. It includes palm trees, tropical breezes, secluded beaches, a 38 ft. sailboat w/captain, fine dining every night and all the adult beverage you care to consume on a daily basis! Remotely interested??????????

Seriously, Phil & I want you to join us for a week in the Carribean! Phil's birthday is April 6. Of course, mine is March 10th 7 yours is, well......tomorrow! We are flying into Tortola, sailing to Virgin Gorda to dine at "The Bitter End", come around to St. Johns for a day at Turtle Bay, maybe have some cocktails at "Skinny Legs", then onto Jost Van Dyke for an evening at Foxy's. Back to Tortola to check out the rock cliffs at "The Baats". Oh, and we have to purchase grossly overpriced t-shirts everywhere we stop!!!! You can be present in any capacity you choose, but you must be present!

I'd love for you to be there with us and so would Phil. You can have your pick of Staterooms. We'll grind fresh coffee beans for you every morning, bring you breakfast in bed, let you sleep until the "crack of noon". It will be our birthday gift to you! Ten years worth!! or more..............

Love you bunches! (Circles in fact)

Happy birthday Annie G!

Love always,"

This is on the verge of the man I am dating and having sex with forgets about my birthday, because he was too busy planning snowboard trips for his son, including one he is the chauffeur for, back to back weekends, and no one asked if maybe I would want to do something special for my birthday. Including asking me if I would like to join in on the Ski/snowboard trip. I am an avid skier in case I have not mentioned that, 10 years of living in Tahoe.

I suppose I should put up all the e-mails to really explain. But most of you would be bored. Any suggestions?

Another Day in Paradise

I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't take a sleeping pill either. I am trying to create some normalcy in my life, some routine, some type of happiness. It was just another Monday at work. I am waiting for the contingencies to be removed from our house; tomorrow is the deadline. I want to make an offer on a house, as I have mentioned. But I think that the snarky builder who is buying our place is holding out and will ask for more credits, even though we were very clear when we accepted his offer that we would offer NO credits and that we didn't want him to waste our time if he intended to try and nickel and dime us.

If you haven't seen the house these two links will take you to realtor.com listings which have several pictures. Different ones from each link.
http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1072515086
www.realtor.com/Prop/1072526330

He got a deal for what we gave it to him for!!! That's the scoop on the house. I will be writing an offer on the house around the corner on Wednesday, and submit it as soon as things are settled, if things are settled.

Out of Control

I lost it Friday night. I am really ashamed of myself. No one was here but the dogs. I was depressed, not sure about anything. Roscoe, or one of them, I am pretty sure it was Roscoe, pissed on my bed. I thew Roscoe across the room, I felt awful then I banged my head against the wall until could hardly see. Roscoe is fine, he landed on the big down comforter he peed on. I was drinking, which I do more than I should. I have a lump on my forehead, and am feeling pretty depressed.

I made myself dinner tonight. All by myself, all alone. Breaded chicken breasts, parmigiana, with spaghetti and sauce. They were good, to bad I didn't have someone to share them with. That would have been nice.

Past the Anger

Ok. So I am past all the anger I had last night. I have now fallen into the depression. Not even sure why. That was stupid, of course I know why. I have been dealing with so much, and now I am having to deal with the sale of my house and moving. Not to mention the fact that my son to be ex decided that he didn't want to give me the agreed upon amount for a spousal support settlement. I wont bore you with the gory details. But I am not signing any documents until i get in writing from him that the agreed upon disbursements of funds from escrow will be what he promised, or he signs the settlement agreement. God I want this to be over with already!

In case you would like to go there. Daisy the pink dog now has her very own website. She will be providing k-9 commentary, and also highlighting any significant doggy news that comes her way. Pimp her site for me!

Alone again, Naturally

Jake went back to school today. I took him to the airport an kissed him goodbye. He will have a rough time. He is now on academic probation, he he needs to pull his head out fast. Hopefully he will.

I am mad at the world. the people that supposedly love me just plain forgot that my fucking birthday is next week, so lets plan stuff out for spoiled rotten kid two weekends in a row. Gee maybe annie might want to do something, but who the fuck cares.

Oh well.

Home Perhaps

I think I found my home. Its basically around the corner. I was on the market, sold and then fell out of escrow. I think it was meant to be. The house is a little out of my price range, but I think they will come down a bit now.

I am scared to make an offer, yet excited too. I think that I will be living there in a couple months. But I don't want to jinx my luck. Its not a perfect house, but I like it. I can paint, and deal with the things that need to be updated a little at a time.

Day Two

Sick! Home coughing up a lung. I haven't been this sick in a long time. Taking cough medicine, cough drops advil and going through my third box of lkeenex in 3 days. I actually went to work yesterday, and have to go tomorrow. I feel better now than I did this morning. I think I am getting the cough under control with the meds.

The weather today was not January weather, it was at least 80, if not warmer. It will cool off tomorrw and perhaps rain later in the week. We get so little cool weather I just hate when our winter gets interrupted with some unseasonable temps.

The kids are coming for dinner. I am not up to it, but it will be easy, just rilling steaks and making some baked potatoes. I wil have candice put together a salad.

Day One

Today is the first day of escrow. So now I have 59 days to find a new home.

I decided to get ultra depressed so I watched Brokeback Mountain. It is such a beautiful love story. And the setting so reminds me of my life in Tahoe. God I want that back so badly.

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversaries. Barbara's death, asshole leaving me, Nata lie leaving us. That is not until February 1, but the whole month of January we watched her die.

Accepted

Well the counter offer that we submitted was accepted. The house will go into escrow on Monday and baring any problem it will close in 60 days, which will be March 8th.

No Room at the Inn

Well I went back to work this week. It was slow as expected, although I spent quite a bit of time trying to deal with an "impostor" my-space account that someone put up and used the picture of the Chief of Police of the City I work in. LOL. It was actually a pretty funny site. Next to his picture was "We are here to beat your Ass". Then a 4 minute clip of police brutality, some policemen beating the shit out of someone!!

So after about a dozen e-mails to my-space and our attorneys the site came down. The photo was taken off the City web site. People don't realize how easy it is to just steal your identity, camera phones, scanning, we sites. If it exists anywhere in cyberspace or in print it can be found and used.

Looks like the house sold. We are going back with the offer, counter offer game right now. But I think this will be it. I will soon have 60 days in which to find a new home and then start a new life. I suppose that should be a countdown I shouldn't miss.

Jacob got his grades. He failed every class but 1. I was appalled, so was he. I dont think he realized he had done that poorly. So now he is on academic probation. If he doesnt get his act together he will be kicked out, and have to come home and go to jr. college. This I would not be happy about, especially since in about 60 days I will be moving from my spaciouss 2500 sq ft home built on 4 lots, over a third of an acre. To a 1100 sq ft home built on a postage stamp. No room at the Inn. That will not be a "good thing".

Happy New Year

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death.

The Ghosts

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.

Merry Christmas

To all and to all a good night!

We got an offer

This is either a good thing, or a bad thing, The offer is low, way low. An 80% offer, which is supposed to be typical. I am snarky about it because that means I have to leave my home, and I don't want to.

5 days until Christmas

Not sure why I am suddenly getting chatty. Maybe its the time of year, maybe its cuz I am lonely. I realized a person can feel lonely even when they are surrounded by people. What a notion. It is five days until Christmas. I need to wrap presents, grocery shop for meals that I will be serving, and get a tree. Yep, still have not got a tree. Will do that tomorrw, maybe.

I had this idea that I would throw out all the old ornaments, old memories, and buy all new stuff. I changed my mind. I will carefully go through all the ornaments, any that do not have "good" memories, or are not extra special to me will go in the trash. I want some new traditions and new memories. Better yet maybe this year I won't even open the Christmas boxes, I will just put lights on the tree and be done with it! Leave the ornament thing for next year when I am not as inclined to throw things away!

All Carols all the time!

Been thinking a lot about life, death, holiday time and what it all means if anything. This has been a difficult time for me. What isn’t (whine). I was grouchy for about 2 weeks, and now I am just working through it all.

I started listening to Christmas carols on the all carols all the time radio station on the way to pick up Jacob from the airport Friday; have not changed the station since. Made dinner for the gang Friday night, it was nice to have everyone together. Saturday night D and I went to dinner. The restaurant was all decked out for the holidays, we had fun. I even finished all my shopping!!!

Sunday I made a wreath and hung the stockings, yesterday I finished my Christmas newsletter which gets included with the cards I am supposed to be sending; haven’t done that yet. The only reason I even wrote a newsletter this year was because I have been getting cards from people I only hear from once a year. They didn’t know Nat died or Asshole left me! They will be in for a big surprise!

Today I took my staff out for lunch; I do this every year for Christmas. They pick the place, I pick up the tab. Tonight I go to the brats Christmas program, since he is in Choir at school. It should be fun. Get to hear teenagers sign Christmas carols. At least the can’t be snarky while they are singing.

I am taking time off from work through out the holidays, and am looking forward to having some fun. Maybe seeing a few movies, cooking some yummy meals, looking for a place to live. Forgetting about what is sad, and creating a few new memories. I just hope D realizes just because he is taking a week of, we don’t have to spend it all with the kid. I really want some time with him, and no kid.

We have another appointment

If I hear those 4 words again I am going to scream. I know its a good thing in terms of selling the house, but it is so flipping inconvienient. I haven't cooked for over two weeks, and am dying for some decent food. Not resturant either, my cooking!!! Tonight I went to Whole Foods, salad bar and hot food bar, could not believe the price tag for some salads, a piece of chicken spinach and mac and cheese. Don't even guess.

I want to cook this week for the masses. Maybe wednesday but the brat is grounded from TV (because he didn't turn in an english assignment) and I don't feel like dealing with him if I can't plug him into a TV for a few hours. He is just so high maintenance. He can't entertain himself for 5 minutes and I refuse to entertain him and cook him dinner.

One of my best friends was right. Regardless of how I feel about D, his son, will always be his son, and always be a challenge (I think). I need to remember that and not reach expectations that are unreasonable,.

Snarky

I am in a foul mood, and have been for the last few days. I am dreading the upcoming hoildays, my house is on the market which means it has to be picked up and clean every morning before I leave for the office. This is not me. I like leaving my underware on the floor in the bathroom, and not making my bed. Dishes need to be washed, which I rarely do. I load the dishwasher until full then leave the rest in the sink until Thursday when the cleanng lady comes and finishes up. Now remember its just little ole me in the house now, so we are not talking a huge pile, we are talking a few glasses and a plate or two in the sink.

I even have to leave tonight so the house can be shown at 7 pm. I will not tolerate this level of inconvenience for very long.

On the other hand there have been lots of showings, and realtor open houses yesterday, today and tomorrow, with an advertised one for buyers on this Sunday. I think it may sell fairly quickly. Which means I will be homeless sooner than later.

I did find a very cute place, which I will be seeing for the second time tomorrw. I will take D there for his opinion. The only drawback is that there is no yard. Only a patio. There is hillside in the front, but without terracing it would be too steep for the dogs. This is a possibly big problem. I love the house, but what do I do about the pooches?

My little slice of heaven

After all this time the for sale sign will go up on my home tomorrow morning. The place where I have raised 3 children, had holidays and birthdays dinners. Hosted slumber parties, and pizza parties. Cried and laughed. Mourned my losses, and celebrated joys.

I feel so melancholy about this. I just hope that I can find my new "home" sonner than later, so I can start over. I will miss my glass of wine while watching the sun set here.

It Works!

Well looky there it is now working. It only took a few days. Those blogger bone heads. I highly recommend that you DO NOT convert your blog until they have the bugs worked out of the monster!

I moved home to www.my-meadow.com and gave up on blogger when it ate my blog, but I was trying to post to rattie-pooh and low and behold I signed in at it worked!

What up wid dat!

There's no place like home

I really want to go back to my home at my-meadow. I feel like a fugative, posting here so my soon to be ex can't read any secrets of my new life, so I don't have to worry about being spied on. I don't know why I should care, but I do. I know he was there once upon a time, but I don't know if he followed me or even cares to. I guess I am just a bit paranoid.

Sometimes I wonder if my life could have been any different if I did things differently. It just seems as if I have experienced more than my fair share of crap. Notice I used the word fair. Probably nothing is really fair about sadness and tragedy. There is no more normal here, just day to day, whats next? Right now I look forward to having no IV and no wires sticking out of the finger so I can do really easy things like cook, wash dishes and shower without swathing my body in plastic wrap. I have always said little things make me happy, I'll bet no one realized how little those things were.

God I pray that things don't get worse. Because I know that they can.

Day of the Dead

Tomorrow it will be 8 months since Natalie died. She dies in my arms, and the arms of her friends and sister and brother. There was music playing, her favorites, but for the life of me I can’t recall the song. It was probably Dave Matthews. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want her to worry that something was wrong. I only cry when there is something wrong. Dying isn’t wrong.

I remember what she was wearing, Candice picked it out. A purple skirt and a yellow tank top with sequins on it; we brushed her hair after they took off all the life support tubes and needles, so she wouldn’t look so sick. I would have washed it if I thought there would be time; she was such a fanatic about clean hair. We wanted her to look like an angel as she became one. But it wasn’t long before she turned grey, as the life drained from her body, as her little lungs could no longer sustain the movement of the precious oxygen that is the giver of life. I wish she was pink, she would have looked better but, that is not the color of death.

I don’t remember what the weather was like that day. We all went to sushi after she died; some macabre gesture that everyone except me thought would be what Nat wanted. I just wanted to go home and get drunk. But I did sushi and sake, and for the sake of the kids tried to act like it was the right thing to do. It was stupid because Nat wasn’t there eating it with us.

Tomorrow is Dia de las Muertes; the day that the dead is honored.

Today is Monday

So I had my surgery, and today they took the cast off. I now have 2 metal pins protruding from the tip of my finger. Really Gross. Candice took me to the docs, and told me not to look at my finger, becuase it was too gross, so I didn't. But I managed to see the metal out of the corner of my eye.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. It really grosses me out. I thought I might try to talk about something else for a change. Although for the lasr few weeks I have done nothing. Felt sorry for myself, no writing, nothing around the house, just watched TV and slept. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but I feel as if I should have been doing things. But nothing.

Sprocket was sick again today. This time bloody diareah. I got him to the vet, and $450 later it is probably an ulcer frpom all the pain meds he is on for his arthritis. Thank god. I was worried it would be some horrible cancer or something!

So he is on a bland diet. And some different meds<>

more surgery

saw the doc today. the "good" one, Ha! he is the hand surgeon. apparently i have to have about a half inch of dead bone cut out and a pin put in my finger. the healing is going slowly and they think it is becuase of 2 things. one the fact that the dead bone does not have any blood flow and thus the antibiotic is not getting to the infection and the fact my finger isnt mobilized. so back into the hospital on thursady. fortunatly i can come home the same day if there are not any complications.

the north koreans, kim jong il, is fucking crazy!

mia

ok. so last wednesday the docs put me back into the hospital, i had more surgery on my finger. the infection had not cleared ans was quite awful. aat this point the problem is no longer from sprocket biting me, it is from doctors not treating the infectio agressively after surgery. so i spent 6 days in the hospital and am now home on IV antibiotics for 6 friggin weeks!!!

i definately will not be able to go into the office for a couple weeks. they are sending a nurse to the house everyday to change my dressing and look at the PICC line, which i am gettin antibiotics in. i change th iv bag daily and the pump measures the dosage and infuses the stuff. wonders of modern medicine.

so other than being, exhausted, in pain, depressed and snarky, life is ok. i suppose.

more drama

Ok, so here is the new scoop on my hand. Yesterday was my follow up appointment. Stitches out, life back to semi normal hopefully; poked it with a needle lots of pus and fluids come out, which later made it actually feel better.

Of course nothing goes as planned! The doc looks at my finger, calls in the hand guy (whom he has been consulting with all along). Don’t like the look of it, more surgery tomorrow, plan on staying in the hospital at least until Thursday.

So ok; I call Candice, make arrangements for the dogs, house work etc. You know the whole thing. I get dropped off this morning at 830 am for a 5 or later surgery, supposed to get IV antibiotics. the doc looks at it this morning, wow, it looks better. I agree and remind him there is still considerable pain, but it has improved since he drained the wound again. He says lets get the hand guy to look at it maybe you don’t need surgery. But the hand guy is in surgery. So I wait, they decide no surgery, come back tomorrow for an appointment with the hand guy, who I ad actually been seeing every time I went in, just not formally. He will decide if I need surgery, and if I do he will do it on Thursday.

So this has been an ordeal, 2 weeks ago today is when it all started. Sprocket seems to be ok with all this. what a dog.

If wishes were fishes

So I went to the docs yesterday and he took the big bandage off, and only just my finger is wrapped now. He also pulled out the packing from the incisions which hurt like hell! But wrapped only the one finger back up, which allows me much more mobility, but the pain, is still bad; but he did give me meds to stop the nausea, Which is a good thing.

Andy has been in my dreams every night. Not bad dreams but not good either. They have been about me wanting to reconcile. Upsetting dreams, making me wonder about my life. I just wish that this was either all over or not happening at all. That is my wish. I guess my other wish would be that wishes could come true.

kaiser casualty

ok first of all i am typing this with one finger and one hand, so there will be lots of typos. long story but the short version. tues night i broke up a spat between sprocket and daisy. got several puncture wounds on my left hand which bled alot. it was late, about 11 and i did not want to go to th er at Kaiser, my health care provider, in LA ABOUT A 30 MINUT DRIVE. WENT TO WORK WEDS AM, CALLED AND MADE AN APPT WITH A DOC AT 2:30.

BY 10 AM I WAS IN such pain (sorry about the caps) that my assistant B (who is also a dear friend) took me to the er. possible fracture on my ring finger in the joint, probable infection. antibiotics and pain meds, and come back in 2 days for a recheck. they would refer me to ortho etc. the er doc also lectured me on how big a deal this was. dog bite and all. i think so that i would be sure to return.

i made a follow up for friday, 2 days later with my doc at 9:30 am. fortunatly d was able to drive me. my doc immediately refered my to ortho downtown to be checked, she did not like the look of my finger. we drove into la for an 11 am appt with the ortho. he saw my funger and said needs to be opened up an drained, i need to be on iv antibiotics immediately and i will be admitted to the hospital until sunday.

so with this in mind, i proceed to sit in the orthopedic waiting room while they supposedly find a bed for me in the hospital, which is across thee street. i ask them how long will it be, v5 hours latercan i go home and come back? they dont know, and i cant leave beacuse i might eat or drink. i proceed to remind them that i am a grown adult, and if i know i am hving surgery in a few hours why would i compromise my own well being? i needed to get the dogs to a kennel because i hd no one to take care of them, and of course i couldnt get a hold of my kid. i am gettin really pissed, in alot of pain, and i cant eat or drink so i cant take pain medicaution. finally at almost 5 pm, when the doc said i was going to have surgery they send me to the er. because they still have no beds. in the er, they have no bed either, so i sit on a gurnet in the hall with D trying to keep me from totally losing it. craccking silly jokes, and threatening to sing if i get out of control (remember, he is deaf, and cant sing). anyway they fibnally put me in a oom start an IV give me something for pain and some IV antibiotics. my surgey happens about 8 pm friday night.

D stays until i am put in a room. thank god i was not alone i probably would have completely lost it. at least the night nurse was kind. the only positive thing i can say about that experience. she kept me comfortable with medication and pillows proping up my arm. i came home yesterday, so only one night in th hospital. but in retrospect i should have stayed in. i was so sick i threw eberything up, including the antibiotics and pain meds. d and the brat, who after yesterday i wont call a brat anymore, he was really sweet. he is now known as the kid. they stayed with me until almost 10 pm. were going to spend the night but didnt have all of the kids night time meds, his lantus, long acting insulin. i made it through the night. woke up feeling better and it seems as long as i get something in my stomach with the pills the nausea stays in check.

go back to the docs on tuesday for a recheck. he apparenly opened the wound and packed it so it would drain. not sure what he will be doing on tuesday, probably taking the packing out which sounds painful.

so here i am laying in bed with the dogs, diasy on the florr the little ones snuggled up. typing with one hand and feeling sorry for myself. if anyone knows if blogger has a spell check i would love to know, as you can see the next few posts will probably be in a messy format as one handed typing is ackward.

More Food!

Cooked up another storm yesterday. Candice and her boyfriend Billy and his mom Becky, and D and the brat and Candice friend C. So there were 7 of us.. I BBQ'd king crab legs and claws, chicken, made pilaf and asparagus rissoto, corn on the cob and cucumber salad. We had fun. Drank way to much wine and talked at the table til almost midnight. It was interesting because all of us had lost a spouse or a mother or a sister, Billy's father died a bout 5 years ago, so that was Becky's husband. D's wife, the brats mom ,and you know who Candice and I have lost; my sister her sister and her mom. Made for interesting if not sad converstaion. Although Becky and I had fun naming Candice and Billy children. LOL!

Boy do I have alot of leftovers in the fridge!

What Big Ears you have!

This cute little doe was up on the hillside earlier this week! Roscoe was going bananas barking his fool head off at her and she was unphased. I think seeing a deer brings me luck, so I always have a better day when one happens through the yard. Or wanders along one of the canyon roads as I drive to work.

D and the brat got home from vacation last night. He is coming over this afternoon, and then they and then they are coming for dinner, along with Candice, Billy and Cristina. So I am making double baked potatos, marinated tri tip, in red wine rosemary and garlic, and country pork chops in margarita marinade, heirloom tomato salad, corn on the cob and ceasar salad.

So needless to say I am finally in a decent mood, although I have to say I feel like crap. Got my period and have a killer headache for some odd reason.

I start golf lessons tomorrow. I am finally doing it after talking about it talking them for about 2 years now. They are Saturday mornings at 9 til 10:30. THis way I can hit balls on fridays or sundays. I am looking forward to learning how to play.

Monday Monday

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?

Stone

I watched the Family Stone last night. I had seen it with asshole when it first came out. But last night I bawled. I needed too. Its a good movie, and I just love the characters. The deaf gay son, the snarky young daughter, the loser son, and the overachiver,they are all great. And Diane Keaton is of course great. She is one of my favorites.

As you can see I did not fly off to meet the vacationers. No room at the Inn, which in a way was good as it would have been a huge hassle doing everything so last minute. Abscence mades the heart grow stonger in my case.

I am off to some friends for a swim and early dinner. They are having a few people over. I made a gorgeous tomato salad with buffalo mozzerella and basil. I am also bringing to wine. I hope people like it.

I had another disaster with Sprocket! I wanted to get him groomed yesterday, so I thought I would give him some ACE (tranquilizer) so that the groomer could get the job done more easily. Sprock is a little hellion, and does not like his face or legs brushed! I also wanted him trimmed. He is a Carin Terrier and really needs some grooming, not my version, I scissor trim him while he is alseep, and if he wakes up. Oh well, he looks like a bad hair day! Anyhow, he really had a reaction to the tranq. The groomer called me and said he fell over in the tub, was completely out of it, and thought I better come and take him to the vet. So off we went to the vet. Fortunatly he is going to be fine, but 24 hours later is still wobbley and snoring. I did not over dose him, it was probably a reaction from the other meds he is on for his arthritis. The vet tech called last night to check in to see how he was. Sleeping off his "good buzz". I was a mess. Thank God he is ok.

Wish you were here...

Ok I am getting snarky about this now. D and the brat are on vacation. Gone one week tomorrow, due back in one week from today. D has text messaged me several times "wish u were here".

I finally got pissed and send him a message, "don't say that unless you "really" mean it". He jokingly responded, "LOL, get on a plane but we won't have any privacy".

I responded, "I don't think you realize it but I would come up there if that is what you really wanted regardless, I just understoood that this vacation was for the 2 of you and I never pushed it to be anything but that. SO when u tell me you want me there, u don't realize I would get on a plane and book a room to be with u, but I don't think that is what you really want".

So he responds, "its ok with "the brat" so that means its ok by mean. Not sure about room availability".

I kinda lost it. I told him that he didn't understand my point, and that he should have a nice vacation, and to stop telling me "wish u were here", becuase it was frustrating me, I didn't know if he meant it to be "miss u" or why don't u come up". I also told him I was not trying to crash his vacation.

Am I over reacting? It is so fucking hard to try and communicate with him if you are not face to face.

Results

Well it went better than I expected. I was able to remain fairly calm, and cried some, but not hystericaly. The results of about an hour of discussions are:1) he can't afford to just buy me out, which would mean getting a mortage big enough to give me my share so I could walk away 2) we agreed to put the house on the market 3) I would outlines the conditions which I would agree upon for the sale/showing?etc 3) if house sells over the holiday period a long escrow so I don't have to move around Christmas 4) I can have final say on the selection of the realtor, which we will both interview.

So I suppose I will have to live in the house until it is sold. As long as everything is on my terms I will have to deal with it. I promised to get an outline of conditions to him by sometime next week.

The only good thing is that I won't have to move for a while, houses usually don't sell around the holidays, and it probably won't be on the market for at least a month. We have to interview realtors etc.

Negotiations

I meet the jerk tonight at the house to try and negotiate a settlement. I normally would not have suggested he come over but I know he wanted to get some of his stuff including his dishes. And since I had already packed up most of his stuff, his stuff, not joint stuff, it makes sense to just let him take it away. We will go somewhere to talk after that, or maybe just sit down at the table. Depends on how I feel.

I am not looking forward to this and am already on the verge of tears, which make me think leaving the house would be a good idea since it might keep me from bawling. Not sure why I want to cry, but maybe its because I still can't believe all this is happening to me.

In my wildest of dreams I think maybe he will change his mind, and not want to go through with it. But then I realize, I really don't want to be married to this jerk anymore. I want someone who is not so self centered. SO this is inevitable. And it needs to be over as soon as possible.

D and the brat are in Tahoe right now. I think that is making me even more melancholoy. I keep getting text messages from him describing my old home. Makes me homesick. He sent one that said "wish u were here". I din't respond, because I would have been if I had been invited. I wasn't. And it was probably not a good idea for me to go. The brat would have surely felt like I was horning in on his vacation. Although they are golfing almost every other day, so I don't know how that would have been possible!

Anyhow I will report in on how this night of horror goes. Hopefully I will be able to tolerate it and not get to emotional. Wish me luck.

Empty Nest

Tomorrow Jake leaves. I don't know why I am stressing out so much about him leaving. He has an aparment to live in, a meal card (getting on Monday), money in the bank, money in his wallet, financial aide on the way, he will have food in the fridge (if asshole takes him grocery shopping). He starts classes on monday. I guess I am just worried that he won't take care of "stuff". *sigh* I will call him on Monday and make sure that he is on top of it.

I am making a drink, and going to watch the news and wind down. Not like I am wound up at all. Just feeling alittle blue, Jake leaving, D and the brat leaving on vacation for 2 weeks.Today all I have done was got up and did some stuff around the house. Then packed up a picnic and drove over to D's house to meet him for lunch. I won't see him for 2 weeks and we knew that the last chance at being alone would be lunch today. We romped and fell asleep in each others arms, then woke up and ate cold chicken, sliced tomatoes, slaw and cold grilled vegetables. All leftovers from last night. A very nice little "nooner". I am very fortunate to have met this man. He really makes me smile, makes me laugh, make me realize life is not so bad.

Interesting developments

Well, after talking to my attorney about trying to "settle" this whole divorce mess, she called his attorney with a buy out proposal. She asked him to discuss it with Asshole and let her know if he was interested. Well his attorney promptly sent her a letter indicating he didn't quite understand what she was proposing and to please put it in writing. She called me and encouraged me to try and communicate with Asshole, to see if he was interested in any of the proposed otherwise it would cost a pretty penney to draft an offer, and he wasn't interested then it was a big waste.

SO I bit my lip and called him. The conversation went surprisingly well. We agreed that it would make sense to try and discuss a possible settlement, and he was open to some of my ideas. It also sounds like alot of the snarkyness came from his lawyer, not him. Although I am not going to let him completely off the hook as he saw all the snarky correspondence that I have been receiving!

So Saturday he picks up Jake, and Monday we will have a sit down discussion after work to see if we can hammer out some type of compromise.

Last night I spent the night at D's. Last time for a while, as Jake won't be home to stay with the pooches. I can't leave them home alone. It was nice, even though he didn't get home from City Council until 1am. The city he works for the council is absolutley insane! Their meetings regularly go to 12 and 1 am. I complain about my Council, but they are tame by comparison. We stayed up past 2 talking and loving, then the alarm went off at 5 am! If you have never slept with a deaf guy, the alram is quite different. The bed vibrates, but there is an audible alarm also. The other times I have stayed over I have him turn off the sound, and it is not so annoying. But the sound and the bed shaking s a little crazy. And of course he sleeps right through it! We stayed in bed until 6:30, got alittle more sleep. Suffice to say I am exhausted! And there are 10 people coming for dinner tonight! Making burgers, so not too much work. *sigh* Tomorrw I am sleeping way in!

Coming to terms

Last night I watched Terms of Endearment on TV. Kind of a dumb thing to do considering how depressed I have been feeling for the last few days. Anyhow I cried, and cried. This morning I came to work and was on the verge of tears too. I also drank too much.

It is going to be a tough week. Jake moves back to school, D and the Brat leave Saturday for a 2 week vacation. I am really going to be alone.

Found out late last week that asshole could not take Jake up to school tomorrow, when he was SUPPOSED to move in because he had changed jobs. So now he is taking him up on Saturday. Which means I will have to see him, and I am sure that I will lose it. I probably shoud vacate the premises so there is no confrontation.

I did however take the dogs to the dog park sunday night. So I at least feel better about that. Daisy was very happy!

NOT!

I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT! NOT! NOT!

Sun Daze

Lazy day for me, although I did wake up and cook a huge breakfast for the kids, D and the brat. Everyone showed up about 11, and I made bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Yummy, always fun to overdose on pork products on the weekend. Candice hung for a bit to do laundry then took Jake over to a buddies. I closed my eyes after they left and didn't wake up for about a hour and a half.

Busy weekend. I had a City Council workshop for 5 hours on Saturday. That was awful. I could bitch about it for days, but suffice to say, it was another session of biting my tongue. At least the CM and my boss, who was not there, could have communicated my goals to me before they were announced via the workshop.

Friday I drove to Diego, Torrey Pines, with D to pick up the brat from golf camp. It has been so nice not having him around for the 2 and a half weeks. Back to normal.

Last night I went to a surprise 25th anniversay dinner for D's brother and sister in law, organized by the MIL. When the happy couple got there they did not look so happy! Lets say it was maybe not such a pleasant surprise. I sat next to the sister in law, D's brothers wife. Interesting. She is from England, no accent any more, but her mom still has one. She was ok. Not particularly friendly, but polite. His brother I hardly spoke to.

I am feeling a bit guilty about the dogs. Have not been to the dog park in ages. First we had the horrible heat, and now I have been lazy. Although it still is a bit hot for the dog park in my opinion. I need to reevaluate my daily schedule and look at the possibility of getting up earlier and walking them. Since asshole left I have not been able to get into any type of routine. And with the brat being gone it has made things worse as D and I have tried to spend almost every night together. Now that things are sorta back to normal, I thought I would try and get my act together.

Poor Sprocket

This morning Sprocket wasn't himslef. Was pacing the bedroom, would not eat his breakfast, and basically fell over while he was walking. I went into panic mode. I think it was because of the nightmare I had last night. Anyhow called and took him right to the vet. $420 later, it seems he has really bad arthritis. The disks in is back are compressed and he has bone spurs all up and down his back. So he ws just in alot of pain. We are however still waiting for the blood and urine panels to come back. More pain meds, he is already on one daily for is arthritis, metacam. Now a new one. I just feel bad for my little old man.

Home Sweet Home

Got back late afternoon yesterday after way to many hours behind the wheel. Arrived in Chico right at 3 pm on Friday, just in time to get Jake and head back down to Sacramento for the evening. We checked into the hotel which was across the street from the state capital, went to dinner and then tok a nice walk around capitol park. The capitol building is not very impressive, but the park was! There are tons of varieties of trees. All marked. I am not sure of the history of the park, but there must be a reason that there is such a wide variety of trees planted there. We also saw the FIrefighters memorial, which is dedicated to all the California Firefighters who lost their lives in the line of duty, and the Vietnnam memorial which is the same. California Vets who were killed in action.

Back in the room, which was nice, on the 20th floor and a corner room with a view, we got a movie. The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. It was funny, although I fell asleep halfway through. That was the 2 martinins with dinner.

Left Sacramento at 8 am on Saturday and rolled into the driveway at 2. I hate all the driving and am so happy to be home with my dogs, and to have Jacob here too. We went to Candices for dinner, and to hang out at the pool. D and the brat came over too. I must say since the stint at diabetes campt, the brat has mellowed quite a bit. We will see what happens when he gets back from Golf camp, which he is being shuttled to today.

I missed D. Hadn't seen him since Friday morning, and have not had sex for several days! So I am ready. I am hoping he will come over and spend the night tonight after he gets back from San Deigo, and dropping of the brat and camp.

So another week of being able to sleep together. It will be hard after getting used to it, to stop. I am hoping we will still be able to figure out a night here and there.

Back at work tomorrw. It doesn't seem like I had a weekend. Oh well.

Endometreosis

I have suffered from this for years. Since I was diagnosed at about 17 years old. Had several surgeries to remove growths, including one to remove a tumor the size of a grapefruit when I was 23. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 30. I never tried to get pregnant and have a baby, but I have been told several times that it would have been hard if not impossbile. When I was really young, early 20's it was just the opposite. If you get pregnant, the endometriosis will probably go away never to return. Well I got shafted both ways, no babies, and still in pain.

This month, ie TODAY is especailly awful. Felt like a searing pain in my gut. Stayed home with a heating pad and lots of advil. I usually have something stronger in the house, but I don't today. fuck.

To complain some more tomorrow I have to drive to Chico to pick up Jake. I am looking forward to seeing him, but not to the drive. The plan is 7am to Chico, arrive about 3pm. Pick up Jake, drive to Sacramento, about 2 hours, stay at the Sheraton, drive home Saturday morning. I just hope I start feeling better!!

So I won't post agiana til Saturday or Sunday. He will only be home a couple weeks before he moves back up to start the Fall semester. I can't believe he is a college student.

6 months

Six months ago today Natalie died. I am not dwelling on it. But I remember. I suppose the first of each month I will always think of her death. It was almost like we picked the day she would die, in a way. We decided when we would take her off life support. So the day she died, was the day we decided she would go.

I am wondering if I am the only one thinking this. I wonder if the kids connect it at all. Probably not.

I am about to get my period. So I am a bit grumpy, and my back hurts, and I am complaining a bit. HA! Ok alot!

I am hungry, and I shoudn't be. I had a big lunch, and breakfast. This morning I got on the scale and officialy am down 20 ppounds. So to celebrate I drove through Mac Donalds on the way to work and ate breakfast. I had soup for lunch, at my favorite chinese place. They do the best chicken noodle soup. Ramen noodles, and broth, then they sautee veggies and chicken and put it on top of the bowl with the noodles. Very filling and healthy. But for some reason, I am hungry and it is only 3:30. Probably becasue I am PMS, makes me ravenous!

The Dream

The more I thought about the dream, the more I thought I should write it down. I think that part of it was prompted by an article I read in the San Diego Union, it was an interview with 2 different church leaders. One eastern, musilm, one western, chrisitian. They both felt that worldwide signs indicated it was the end of days, or the end of the world as we catholics call it. I supppose since I was a kid I have surpressed a fear of this. My mother would constantly chime"it's the end of the world", every time some significant negative world event occured. As a child, it frightened me. As an adult I suppose that fear comes to the surface. My mother was and still is a lunatic.

But in the dream my sister was there. She had a book, with pictures, and was trying to show me all the signs of what was happening all over. Pictures of statues and stone gods. I kept tearing the pages of the book up, but she kept trying to show me. She told me it didn't matter if I tore tha pages up, it would still happen. My sister is dead, for those of you who haven't followed my story. So I suppose that as I thought more about this, it seems as if my sister, from the other side, is trying to tell me something.

D was in the dream, and I was trying to talk to him and he couldn't hear me, and wasn't paying attention. When I finally got his attention he told me that he would not believe me becasue I had lied before, so why shouldn't he believe what Barbara (my sister) was saying. It was distressing because the person I feel the safest with now, D, was not my ally in my dream.

I know that there is too much shit going on in my life now, and maybe I need to clean up some of the stuff. There is one thing going on now, that I won't even write about here in my secret of secret places, that I need to "deal" with. And no it is not any type of substance abuse.

I need a clearer conscience.

Back to reality

After a long weekend of bliss. We did nothing. We slept in, ate breakfast in bed, layed by the pool, drank good wine, ate good food, walked into town for fun and dinner one night. I have not felt this relaxed in years.

Brat is at camp. And he is there until August 5th!!!! So even though we are back to the daily drind, there is still a reprieve from the kid. D needs it bad. Being a single parent of a high maintenance kid can kill ya. He is looking so much better after the wind down weekend.

I was doing the same until this morning when D woke me up from a horrific nightmare, which then became a daymare in a sense becuase I couldn't get it out of my brain. I am still a bit distressed by it.

Asshole (aka almost ex husband) used to tell me not to tell people what I was dreaming becuase they would think I was crazy, and should be locked up. Sometimes from the content of my dreams I alos think so. I am not sure what it means when you dream so intensly and so vividly, but I am sure it is something wierd.

My sister was in this dream, as was D. Not sure I want to go there.

The Brat

Ok, so I have covered the level of brattiness that I am dealing with, right? Well just when you thought it couldn't get any worse! Last night the collective "we", D, I, the brat and a friend of the brats went to a Dodger game. Leaving the game, the brat thinks its really funny to laugh, point, say rude things and eventually flip off the car next to us that is trying to merge out of the parking lot and into our lane, all the while D has no idea what is going on in the back seat, and is fighting traffic. I twice told the brat not to antagnonize the people in the car next to us, they were inches away. And so was his friend, but the brat says "whats does that mean?", and the friend responds what you are doing right now! The rest of the ride home he wanted to blast music, Dad says no, so he asks me, I ignore him and tell him not to put me in that position, overriding dad. So he starts to talk smack about his dad to his friend, and I can hear it all! I bit my tongue not to say something to embarrass him in front of his friend, but I wanted to say, your dad may be deaf, but I can hear every word you say and I can talk too!

BTW, did I mention D is hearing impaired and reads lips? He speaks clearly, but if he isn't looking at you he can't "hear" what you are saying. Makes for fun in the bedroom, lots of sex with the lights on.

A Real Vacation?

On Thursday "d" (the guy i am seeing) and I will be going to San Deigo for 3 nights. He is dropping his son off at diabetes camp for 10 days, thank god, and we are going straight to San Diego from there. Staying at the Hotel Del Coronado. A really nice place and is supposed to be haunted.

I am using up my American Express points, for 2 of the nights, before my ex can claim a part of those too! I just want to eat, sleep, have sex, swim in the ocean and the pools, and do it all over again. The only thing that is now making me wonder is that the brat, which I will call d's teeager, has threatened to get thrown out of diabetes camp becasue he doesn't really want to go. I swear if he does that I will refuse to leave San Diego, and d will have to figure out how to deal with it.

I met d's mom today. She is amazing!!!!! She is in her late 90's, and looks 70, and is incredible! She was planning on cooking a big dinner, but her power had been out since 12 noon, we arrived at 3. By 4:30 still no power so we went out for dinner. She walks the mall every morning, she keeps a perfect house, I hope I am like her when I am that old. I think she liked me, when d went into the house, we were sitting on the patio after dinner, she told me she had not seen him that happy for a long time, and that he had been very depressed. I can imagine, a single dad trying to raise the brat. No sex, no social life to speak of, and a very demanding job. I really think that we were destined to find each other.

I had a power failure last night, the heat is horrible, and the humidity is awful. Southern California is not supposed to be humid. so WTF is that all about! Can't wait until fall, the time change, which will cool things off in and of itself.

Snarky

Love that little word. It describes how I have been feeling the last few days. I am also feeling a wave of depression, kind of like "what next"?. Been on the verge of tears a few times too. Not sure what all this means. Maybe on the verge of a "crack up", "breakdown" (not break dance), or just plain sad.

Bunches of headaches, at work, the divorce which is getting realy ugly, at least the relationship is fine, other than the kid. Not my kids, his kid. Who is 14, diabetic, had ADHD and is spoiled rotten. Yep, the kid gets on my nerves pretty easily. Although it is better now. At first almost every date he would call bored, with a tummy ache, wanted something. Now we do spend time with the kids, and the alone time is less interupted.

Life feels lonely. Sometimes I think about where I am at. 46, living alone with 3 dogs, a husband who walked out on me, a daughter who died, a sister who died, trying to smile at everyone and everything like it is all ok, and normal. It is not fucking normal to have all this shit happen to you. Maybe God is punishing me for something.

My New Mantra

"I had rather be shut up in a very modest cottage, with my books, my family, and a few old friends, dining on simple bacon, and letting the world roll on as it liked, than to occupy the most spendid post, which any human power can give."

Thomas Jefferson

This is an excerpt from an e-mail from my attorney today ....

...On Friday I received a letter from A*** attorney which you will get. There are a couple of surprises...I think he is saying that when he received the $29,815 net pay, A**** was 9 months behind on the first and 10 months behind on the 2nd, and he paid those out of those funds. Unbelievable! I have put a call into his lawyer to verify that's what he meant, because, as you know, his letter is 12 pages long and I might have mis-read it. He wants to put the house on the market, but, wants to charge you "rent" for being there in the interim. Legally, he can do that, but I would like your permission to say, if he is charging "rent", you'll move out and pay rent elsewhere, and he'll have to make the house available for showing, and you'll charge him rent........

Al F*cking lies from his attorney. If the payment was that late we would have been forclosed on. This is amazing. The crap is is trying to pull. What did I do to deserve this!!!

Too hot!

I am back after 5 days on a little adventure. I drove the boy up to Chico state, moved him into the dorm for a four week class. Stayed with some friends that nght is a little town just outside of Chico. We have know each other for 16 years, I hadn't seen her in about 6 years. maybe even longer! THen the next day drove to Nevada City. That is where one of my best friends live.

Hung out for a few days and came home on Thursday. It is hard to go back to the mountains and them leave. It was really my home, the only place that I actaully felt like I was at home. Driving home was bittersweet. I missed my dogs, my lover and my house, but also realized that soon I will be moving. THe house has to be sold to settle the divorce, and that I am alone now in my house.

THe last couple of nights have been really wierd. I will wake up in the middle of the night, and realize that I am all alone in the house. I don't know if I feel lonely as much as I feel alone.

Home Again Naturally

Ok Rosalie!!! Sorry. I am now posting. I created this in order to be a bit more private about my goings on, as I suspect my ex-hoeband was lurking in the deep dark depths of the web, using my blog against me.

SO whats up. I am happy. I am getting laid. I am in love (lust). I will have to sell the house as part of the divorce settlement, which I am ok with (I think). It will be final by November 3rd, as long as we can reach a settlement. It is looking good for that.

Young son will be moving to Chico State for a 4 week summer school course on Sunday, gone for 4 weeks, back for 10 days then off to collge. Which means I will be all alone in th house. Jus tme and the pooches.

Not sure yet how I feel about it. I already miss Jake and he hasn't even left!!!

I miss my blog friends so I think one of my priorites will be back to regular posting. It is hard to get back into the habit once you let it lapse a bit.

Summer here in southern California has been to f"in hot! I am not looking forward to my electric bill *sigh*.

I am Back

So here I am in a different place, with a different life. I am worried that my soon to be ex husband will read my blog, so I have not been posting. He had found it once. Not that it will make any difference, I just don't need any more uglies coming from him.

My last post was April 10, which was over 2 months ago. A lot has happened in those two months. Some real good stuff too!

I met someone and have been dating them since April 9th. He is incredible. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me and wake me up and tell me I have been dreaming. I will write more about him later.

Youngest is graduating from high school on 6/20. Another milestone. I will soon be all alone in the house, except for the dogs.

March 2006 through July 2006

July 18, 2006

I am journaling again!!!! But in a different spot. Send me and e-mail and I will give you my new URL!

May 18, 2006

I realize I have not posted for a month. I am not sure what I am doing, avoiding. Mitzi did not come back. Sadly. I found out the jerk filed the divorce papers 2 days after we buried Natalie. Divorce is not a fun thing.

April 19, 2006

Still no Meemo. Every time I drive in or out of my driveway I look everywhere, every time I go outside I walk the perimeter and call her.

April 10, 2006

Mitzi is still MIA. I got up several times during the night to check the porch. I thought she might come back to eat. I am a mess about this. I called the vet and the spca. They both were not very encouraging about her returning. They said 50/50 if she doesn't get eaten.

I have to stay for a meeting tonight. Which means I won't be able to look for her before dark again.

The weekend had started off so well too. Friday was probably the best day I have had all year, then this happens.

April 9, 2006

Somehow yesterday Mitzi got out of the house. I had the front door open about 20 minutes while I was hosing off the porch and stairs because of the mess left from all the rain we had. I didn't realize she was gone until last night about 6-6:30 when she wasn't coming out to eat. She always comes into the kitchen when I feed the dogs. She likes to eat then too. I looked all over, this morning I put up signs. Does anyone out there know how to get a house cat to come back home once she has escaped??? I have put food out at various spots in the yard, up from where the dogs could get it. I also have tried to keep the dogs in all day today so she won't be afraid of coming in the yard. Even though she gets along with them she might be hesitant. God please say prayers Mitzi comes home!!!! I don't need this right now!!!!!

April 3, 2006


Friday night I had Candice over, one of Nat's best friends was home from college so she came over with her mom and sister, and several other of the girls friends came too! I think there we 10 of in all. I got lasagna and shells, from my favorite Italian deli, and I made sausages and peppers. It was fun. All the girls are over 21 so we drank lots of wine. It was good for my soul to see all the girls. I just wish Nat was there with us.

Yesterday I had my weekly puppy class with Daisy. She is really smart, and when I do reinforcement training at home I am getting Roscoe to learn too. He likes the treats!! Those two love each other. We also went to the dog park. I just love going there and now with the time change we will be able to go after work too.

Today I was a veg. I got up late and am still in my jammies. I am making some steaks for dinner, I have had a craving for a piece of meat. The Sopranos is on too, so it will be a relaxing evening.

I put up a page for Meemo.

March 31, 2006


It looks like it will rain again this afternoon. I like the rain, it is just that when it rains I can't take the dogs to the dog park, and we all really enjoy going.

I finally have a repair man coming out this morning to fix the heater. It has not worked for months! I have two units, the one where the bedrooms are is functioning fine! don't worry I have not been freezing all winter!

March 28, 2006


Today is Tuesday, which means tomorrow will be Wednesday. Not that it really matters.

I just got a phone call from the transplant coordinator at K@sier. Hearing her voice made me cry. She used to call me alot when Natalie was sick, I would call her to get updates on Nat, as she had ready access to the doc's and other information. I suppose because of the strong connection to Natalie, it just was over whelming. I wanted the autopsy results from nats lungs to determine what caused her to reject. It is not ready yet.

Daisy is coming along. She is really a sweet dog, and minds pretty well now. I still will not leave Sprocket and Daisy in the same area with out supervision. But Daisy makes me smile, she snuggles with me at night.

March 23, 2006


I made it through a whole week of work. Some mornings it is just really hard to get out of bed, but I find if I do, and get my but to work the interactions with people help alot. Even if I am not getting as much done as I should. This week I had to get my preliminary budget done. So that kept me quite busy.

I miss my husband alot. I spoke to him today on the phone. The stove broke last night and I wanted to make sure he would pay for a new one if it could not be fixed. I e-mailed him in China and he called me. I cried after I hung up. I want to be angry, but I am lonely. I told him I had not spoken to a lawyer yet, and for him not to expect me to have done it by the time he gets home. He didn't say anything.

March 13, 2006


I am lonely. I have figured out what is bothering me the most. I don't have any friends. I spend my life taking care of my kids and husband. Now there are no kids or husband. Jacob is low maintenance. I am high maintenance.

So I almost didn't go into work. I was feeling ultra depressed, and my assistant called me and told me I had a conference call with an attorney and HR. oh shit, I was in the office within an hour.

March 12, 2006


Time is just passing. I am not even sure of its purpose anymore.

I went to the awards dinner, it was nice. I can't say I really enjoyed myself, but it was fine. I got dressed up, felt good, and got compliments, so that was self esteem building, at least.

I got on the scale this morning and have lost 13 pounds. I am excited because I have another month to lose, and I might won the diet contest!

I hired a trainer for Daisy, after we had an altercation with Sprocket, who ended up with several puncture wounds and 3 stitches. I didn't want to give her back to the rescue, I wanted to try. So we are working on her behavior, and I am taking her to the dog park with Roscoe. She is forcing me to get up early, and have something to do, other than the little pity party's I have been having in the evenings. We also start puppy class next Saturday.

In case you guys are wondering what she looks like:



March 7, 2006


Today someone I don't even know told me that I was not pathetic. GOD how that helps. Thanks you who ever you are, I would like to know you.

March 6, 2006


I am pathetic. I went to work today, feeling yucky. Came home early about 4ish. I at least got all my performance reviews written for my employees, there were several due. I have one more to write. I am also attempting to reclassify 2 of my employees, I have approval for one. We will see what my a33hole boss says about the other.

I have to go to a semi-formal dinner Friday . It is an employee recognition dinner, and I have 4 employees being recognized, for longevity. So I have to do the presentations. I don't want to go, I don't want to go especially alone, and I don't have anything to wear, and I can't imagine looking for a dress right now. Can't I just wear sweats? This is not a good thing.

I suppose I can try on all my little black dresses and see if any fit me. Maybe there is one that is bigger than the little one.

This will be my first "stag" outing, and my first social appearance since Natalie died. Which means I will have to go through more condolences, or stares. Hopefully no one will ask where hubby is, JUST LOOK AT THE FINGER!

Ok, so maybe I should find a boy toy to go with me, so no one says anything to my face, they will all just be whispering behind my back. I can deal with that. Good gossip is fun.

Please say a prayer for my friend Y, she is going through hell too.

March 4, 2006


It has been a while since I have written. Not much has changed. I met with Andy last Sunday to give him his mail. He definitely wants a divorce, he does not want to try to work out our life together. I still just don't get it all.

I went back to work, which keeps me quite busy. I also got another dog, Daisy. It was the one Natalie wanted to get when she was out of the hospital.

February 2006 Natalies Death

February 18, 2006
Later that same day....

I am numb. I checked out pretty early today. It is only 7:15, I got the boys a pizza and wings, delivered, thank god.

I am hurting real bad now. I am not sure what is going on. I miss Nat, she was always the one to try and cheer me up, and be there. So I suppose if Andy had not left, Nat could have pulled me through. She would have kept me going. Candice is to involved with her jobs and boy friend, Jake is to young, Nat was an old soul, like me.

February 18, 2006


I woke up early this morning and lazed in bed until about 8, then I got the laptop and brought it back to bed with me, turned up the heat and replied to some e-mails that I owed people. Right now I don't know what I would do without my on-line friends. I am really enjoying getting e-mails, so mail away if you are so inclined.

Mitzi (or memo as I now call her) is back to her old self now that all the company has gone. She really is not good with strangers.

I am not sure what today has in store. I think I am going to go to lunch with Candice, then to the market. I need to write thank you notes for flowers and such. The problem is some of the flowers cards were missing. I hope people understand if they don't get a thank you.

I am still numb about my whole situation. I spoke to Andy Thursday and he asked how Jake was. I told him, I wasn't sure. He should call him. I can't imagine losing your sister and the only man that you have ever know as your father all at once.

I can't imagine losing my daughter and my husband either.

February 16, 2006


I got on-line yesterday to read journals and one of my favorite reads is closed. Yvonne's is a wonderful woman. I am going to miss her dearly.

I came into work today for a few hours, mainly so I wouldn't be alone as my friend who has been staying with me left this morning. It really hit me hard that now I will be alone in the house with a 17 year old. She has been a huge source of support, making me laugh, keeping me balanced.

It seems like after we buried Nat that no one calls anymore.

February 8, 2006

A very close friend of mine drove down from Northern California yesterday to spend some time with me. She arrived yesterday and immediately got me back on track, treadmill, getting out of bed early and today a manicure.

She brought her big dog with her and while she was walking him later this afternoon, I got on the treadmill to watch the food channel. I love hearing Paula Dean say the word "butter". Any how I was going along and heard the front door open and a "Hola", I called to Jake in his room that Candice was here and he should tell her I was in the back bedroom. He obliged, and came back a few minutes later and said that no one had come in.

I know I heard "Hola" and the door open and close. Nat always came over unannounced with coffee (she worked at Peet's) or for dinner. Candice never came over unless she told me. Guess who was here.

I am sure it was Nat. I know it sounds crazy, but it was. She wanted me to know she was back here and ok. "Hola"

February 7, 2006

I can't stay away forever. I am having a hard time putting together my thoughts, however I am having to do so today. I had to write a tribute for the Alumni newsletter, and the petitions for the Mass Saturday. SO I thought I would put up the tribute for you to read.

It's all about the Love

Natalie Catrine embraced her life, and embraced those around her with her beautiful smile. Natalie was part of the 2003 Alverno graduating class, she made many very close forever friends that held her hands as she received her wings.

Natalie battled Cystic Fibrosis, eventually receiving a living donor lung transplant from her sister Candice and her second cousin Scott who traveled from Wisconsin to donate. In spite of these challenges, when I look back on her life she experienced so much.

Alverno was the place of Natalies catharsis, she grew up here and as her senior project was presented we all realized she had finally accepted her disease. She gave a presentation about Cystic Fibrosis, but she also took us into the sorrow and sadness she experienced while in denial of her sickness, and wanting to be like everyone else. Telling her whole school and faculty this made me realize she had finally come to terms with herself.

Though she only was with us for 21 short years, Natalie experienced a lifetime of fun and experiences. She lived in Lake Tahoe and learned to ski, she made several trips to the east coast to visit family, Natalie spent 4 weeks in Costa Rica living participating in a program to build a school in a small village. Natalie, went away to college at Cal State Monterey Bay , she fell in love, and lived independently after her transplant. She loved Pablo Neruda poetry, gummie bears, her dog Roscoe, and her favorite saying was “It’s all about the love”.

February 2, 2006


Natalie Catrine
January 16 1985 - February 1, 2006