Day of the Dead

Tomorrow it will be 8 months since Natalie died. She dies in my arms, and the arms of her friends and sister and brother. There was music playing, her favorites, but for the life of me I can’t recall the song. It was probably Dave Matthews. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want her to worry that something was wrong. I only cry when there is something wrong. Dying isn’t wrong.

I remember what she was wearing, Candice picked it out. A purple skirt and a yellow tank top with sequins on it; we brushed her hair after they took off all the life support tubes and needles, so she wouldn’t look so sick. I would have washed it if I thought there would be time; she was such a fanatic about clean hair. We wanted her to look like an angel as she became one. But it wasn’t long before she turned grey, as the life drained from her body, as her little lungs could no longer sustain the movement of the precious oxygen that is the giver of life. I wish she was pink, she would have looked better but, that is not the color of death.

I don’t remember what the weather was like that day. We all went to sushi after she died; some macabre gesture that everyone except me thought would be what Nat wanted. I just wanted to go home and get drunk. But I did sushi and sake, and for the sake of the kids tried to act like it was the right thing to do. It was stupid because Nat wasn’t there eating it with us.

Tomorrow is Dia de las Muertes; the day that the dead is honored.

Today is Monday

So I had my surgery, and today they took the cast off. I now have 2 metal pins protruding from the tip of my finger. Really Gross. Candice took me to the docs, and told me not to look at my finger, becuase it was too gross, so I didn't. But I managed to see the metal out of the corner of my eye.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. It really grosses me out. I thought I might try to talk about something else for a change. Although for the lasr few weeks I have done nothing. Felt sorry for myself, no writing, nothing around the house, just watched TV and slept. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but I feel as if I should have been doing things. But nothing.

Sprocket was sick again today. This time bloody diareah. I got him to the vet, and $450 later it is probably an ulcer frpom all the pain meds he is on for his arthritis. Thank god. I was worried it would be some horrible cancer or something!

So he is on a bland diet. And some different meds<>

more surgery

saw the doc today. the "good" one, Ha! he is the hand surgeon. apparently i have to have about a half inch of dead bone cut out and a pin put in my finger. the healing is going slowly and they think it is becuase of 2 things. one the fact that the dead bone does not have any blood flow and thus the antibiotic is not getting to the infection and the fact my finger isnt mobilized. so back into the hospital on thursady. fortunatly i can come home the same day if there are not any complications.

the north koreans, kim jong il, is fucking crazy!

mia

ok. so last wednesday the docs put me back into the hospital, i had more surgery on my finger. the infection had not cleared ans was quite awful. aat this point the problem is no longer from sprocket biting me, it is from doctors not treating the infectio agressively after surgery. so i spent 6 days in the hospital and am now home on IV antibiotics for 6 friggin weeks!!!

i definately will not be able to go into the office for a couple weeks. they are sending a nurse to the house everyday to change my dressing and look at the PICC line, which i am gettin antibiotics in. i change th iv bag daily and the pump measures the dosage and infuses the stuff. wonders of modern medicine.

so other than being, exhausted, in pain, depressed and snarky, life is ok. i suppose.

more drama

Ok, so here is the new scoop on my hand. Yesterday was my follow up appointment. Stitches out, life back to semi normal hopefully; poked it with a needle lots of pus and fluids come out, which later made it actually feel better.

Of course nothing goes as planned! The doc looks at my finger, calls in the hand guy (whom he has been consulting with all along). Don’t like the look of it, more surgery tomorrow, plan on staying in the hospital at least until Thursday.

So ok; I call Candice, make arrangements for the dogs, house work etc. You know the whole thing. I get dropped off this morning at 830 am for a 5 or later surgery, supposed to get IV antibiotics. the doc looks at it this morning, wow, it looks better. I agree and remind him there is still considerable pain, but it has improved since he drained the wound again. He says lets get the hand guy to look at it maybe you don’t need surgery. But the hand guy is in surgery. So I wait, they decide no surgery, come back tomorrow for an appointment with the hand guy, who I ad actually been seeing every time I went in, just not formally. He will decide if I need surgery, and if I do he will do it on Thursday.

So this has been an ordeal, 2 weeks ago today is when it all started. Sprocket seems to be ok with all this. what a dog.

If wishes were fishes

So I went to the docs yesterday and he took the big bandage off, and only just my finger is wrapped now. He also pulled out the packing from the incisions which hurt like hell! But wrapped only the one finger back up, which allows me much more mobility, but the pain, is still bad; but he did give me meds to stop the nausea, Which is a good thing.

Andy has been in my dreams every night. Not bad dreams but not good either. They have been about me wanting to reconcile. Upsetting dreams, making me wonder about my life. I just wish that this was either all over or not happening at all. That is my wish. I guess my other wish would be that wishes could come true.

kaiser casualty

ok first of all i am typing this with one finger and one hand, so there will be lots of typos. long story but the short version. tues night i broke up a spat between sprocket and daisy. got several puncture wounds on my left hand which bled alot. it was late, about 11 and i did not want to go to th er at Kaiser, my health care provider, in LA ABOUT A 30 MINUT DRIVE. WENT TO WORK WEDS AM, CALLED AND MADE AN APPT WITH A DOC AT 2:30.

BY 10 AM I WAS IN such pain (sorry about the caps) that my assistant B (who is also a dear friend) took me to the er. possible fracture on my ring finger in the joint, probable infection. antibiotics and pain meds, and come back in 2 days for a recheck. they would refer me to ortho etc. the er doc also lectured me on how big a deal this was. dog bite and all. i think so that i would be sure to return.

i made a follow up for friday, 2 days later with my doc at 9:30 am. fortunatly d was able to drive me. my doc immediately refered my to ortho downtown to be checked, she did not like the look of my finger. we drove into la for an 11 am appt with the ortho. he saw my funger and said needs to be opened up an drained, i need to be on iv antibiotics immediately and i will be admitted to the hospital until sunday.

so with this in mind, i proceed to sit in the orthopedic waiting room while they supposedly find a bed for me in the hospital, which is across thee street. i ask them how long will it be, v5 hours latercan i go home and come back? they dont know, and i cant leave beacuse i might eat or drink. i proceed to remind them that i am a grown adult, and if i know i am hving surgery in a few hours why would i compromise my own well being? i needed to get the dogs to a kennel because i hd no one to take care of them, and of course i couldnt get a hold of my kid. i am gettin really pissed, in alot of pain, and i cant eat or drink so i cant take pain medicaution. finally at almost 5 pm, when the doc said i was going to have surgery they send me to the er. because they still have no beds. in the er, they have no bed either, so i sit on a gurnet in the hall with D trying to keep me from totally losing it. craccking silly jokes, and threatening to sing if i get out of control (remember, he is deaf, and cant sing). anyway they fibnally put me in a oom start an IV give me something for pain and some IV antibiotics. my surgey happens about 8 pm friday night.

D stays until i am put in a room. thank god i was not alone i probably would have completely lost it. at least the night nurse was kind. the only positive thing i can say about that experience. she kept me comfortable with medication and pillows proping up my arm. i came home yesterday, so only one night in th hospital. but in retrospect i should have stayed in. i was so sick i threw eberything up, including the antibiotics and pain meds. d and the brat, who after yesterday i wont call a brat anymore, he was really sweet. he is now known as the kid. they stayed with me until almost 10 pm. were going to spend the night but didnt have all of the kids night time meds, his lantus, long acting insulin. i made it through the night. woke up feeling better and it seems as long as i get something in my stomach with the pills the nausea stays in check.

go back to the docs on tuesday for a recheck. he apparenly opened the wound and packed it so it would drain. not sure what he will be doing on tuesday, probably taking the packing out which sounds painful.

so here i am laying in bed with the dogs, diasy on the florr the little ones snuggled up. typing with one hand and feeling sorry for myself. if anyone knows if blogger has a spell check i would love to know, as you can see the next few posts will probably be in a messy format as one handed typing is ackward.

More Food!

Cooked up another storm yesterday. Candice and her boyfriend Billy and his mom Becky, and D and the brat and Candice friend C. So there were 7 of us.. I BBQ'd king crab legs and claws, chicken, made pilaf and asparagus rissoto, corn on the cob and cucumber salad. We had fun. Drank way to much wine and talked at the table til almost midnight. It was interesting because all of us had lost a spouse or a mother or a sister, Billy's father died a bout 5 years ago, so that was Becky's husband. D's wife, the brats mom ,and you know who Candice and I have lost; my sister her sister and her mom. Made for interesting if not sad converstaion. Although Becky and I had fun naming Candice and Billy children. LOL!

Boy do I have alot of leftovers in the fridge!

What Big Ears you have!

This cute little doe was up on the hillside earlier this week! Roscoe was going bananas barking his fool head off at her and she was unphased. I think seeing a deer brings me luck, so I always have a better day when one happens through the yard. Or wanders along one of the canyon roads as I drive to work.

D and the brat got home from vacation last night. He is coming over this afternoon, and then they and then they are coming for dinner, along with Candice, Billy and Cristina. So I am making double baked potatos, marinated tri tip, in red wine rosemary and garlic, and country pork chops in margarita marinade, heirloom tomato salad, corn on the cob and ceasar salad.

So needless to say I am finally in a decent mood, although I have to say I feel like crap. Got my period and have a killer headache for some odd reason.

I start golf lessons tomorrow. I am finally doing it after talking about it talking them for about 2 years now. They are Saturday mornings at 9 til 10:30. THis way I can hit balls on fridays or sundays. I am looking forward to learning how to play.

Monday Monday

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?

Stone

I watched the Family Stone last night. I had seen it with asshole when it first came out. But last night I bawled. I needed too. Its a good movie, and I just love the characters. The deaf gay son, the snarky young daughter, the loser son, and the overachiver,they are all great. And Diane Keaton is of course great. She is one of my favorites.

As you can see I did not fly off to meet the vacationers. No room at the Inn, which in a way was good as it would have been a huge hassle doing everything so last minute. Abscence mades the heart grow stonger in my case.

I am off to some friends for a swim and early dinner. They are having a few people over. I made a gorgeous tomato salad with buffalo mozzerella and basil. I am also bringing to wine. I hope people like it.

I had another disaster with Sprocket! I wanted to get him groomed yesterday, so I thought I would give him some ACE (tranquilizer) so that the groomer could get the job done more easily. Sprock is a little hellion, and does not like his face or legs brushed! I also wanted him trimmed. He is a Carin Terrier and really needs some grooming, not my version, I scissor trim him while he is alseep, and if he wakes up. Oh well, he looks like a bad hair day! Anyhow, he really had a reaction to the tranq. The groomer called me and said he fell over in the tub, was completely out of it, and thought I better come and take him to the vet. So off we went to the vet. Fortunatly he is going to be fine, but 24 hours later is still wobbley and snoring. I did not over dose him, it was probably a reaction from the other meds he is on for his arthritis. The vet tech called last night to check in to see how he was. Sleeping off his "good buzz". I was a mess. Thank God he is ok.

Wish you were here...

Ok I am getting snarky about this now. D and the brat are on vacation. Gone one week tomorrow, due back in one week from today. D has text messaged me several times "wish u were here".

I finally got pissed and send him a message, "don't say that unless you "really" mean it". He jokingly responded, "LOL, get on a plane but we won't have any privacy".

I responded, "I don't think you realize it but I would come up there if that is what you really wanted regardless, I just understoood that this vacation was for the 2 of you and I never pushed it to be anything but that. SO when u tell me you want me there, u don't realize I would get on a plane and book a room to be with u, but I don't think that is what you really want".

So he responds, "its ok with "the brat" so that means its ok by mean. Not sure about room availability".

I kinda lost it. I told him that he didn't understand my point, and that he should have a nice vacation, and to stop telling me "wish u were here", becuase it was frustrating me, I didn't know if he meant it to be "miss u" or why don't u come up". I also told him I was not trying to crash his vacation.

Am I over reacting? It is so fucking hard to try and communicate with him if you are not face to face.

Results

Well it went better than I expected. I was able to remain fairly calm, and cried some, but not hystericaly. The results of about an hour of discussions are:1) he can't afford to just buy me out, which would mean getting a mortage big enough to give me my share so I could walk away 2) we agreed to put the house on the market 3) I would outlines the conditions which I would agree upon for the sale/showing?etc 3) if house sells over the holiday period a long escrow so I don't have to move around Christmas 4) I can have final say on the selection of the realtor, which we will both interview.

So I suppose I will have to live in the house until it is sold. As long as everything is on my terms I will have to deal with it. I promised to get an outline of conditions to him by sometime next week.

The only good thing is that I won't have to move for a while, houses usually don't sell around the holidays, and it probably won't be on the market for at least a month. We have to interview realtors etc.

Negotiations

I meet the jerk tonight at the house to try and negotiate a settlement. I normally would not have suggested he come over but I know he wanted to get some of his stuff including his dishes. And since I had already packed up most of his stuff, his stuff, not joint stuff, it makes sense to just let him take it away. We will go somewhere to talk after that, or maybe just sit down at the table. Depends on how I feel.

I am not looking forward to this and am already on the verge of tears, which make me think leaving the house would be a good idea since it might keep me from bawling. Not sure why I want to cry, but maybe its because I still can't believe all this is happening to me.

In my wildest of dreams I think maybe he will change his mind, and not want to go through with it. But then I realize, I really don't want to be married to this jerk anymore. I want someone who is not so self centered. SO this is inevitable. And it needs to be over as soon as possible.

D and the brat are in Tahoe right now. I think that is making me even more melancholoy. I keep getting text messages from him describing my old home. Makes me homesick. He sent one that said "wish u were here". I din't respond, because I would have been if I had been invited. I wasn't. And it was probably not a good idea for me to go. The brat would have surely felt like I was horning in on his vacation. Although they are golfing almost every other day, so I don't know how that would have been possible!

Anyhow I will report in on how this night of horror goes. Hopefully I will be able to tolerate it and not get to emotional. Wish me luck.

Empty Nest

Tomorrow Jake leaves. I don't know why I am stressing out so much about him leaving. He has an aparment to live in, a meal card (getting on Monday), money in the bank, money in his wallet, financial aide on the way, he will have food in the fridge (if asshole takes him grocery shopping). He starts classes on monday. I guess I am just worried that he won't take care of "stuff". *sigh* I will call him on Monday and make sure that he is on top of it.

I am making a drink, and going to watch the news and wind down. Not like I am wound up at all. Just feeling alittle blue, Jake leaving, D and the brat leaving on vacation for 2 weeks.Today all I have done was got up and did some stuff around the house. Then packed up a picnic and drove over to D's house to meet him for lunch. I won't see him for 2 weeks and we knew that the last chance at being alone would be lunch today. We romped and fell asleep in each others arms, then woke up and ate cold chicken, sliced tomatoes, slaw and cold grilled vegetables. All leftovers from last night. A very nice little "nooner". I am very fortunate to have met this man. He really makes me smile, makes me laugh, make me realize life is not so bad.

Interesting developments

Well, after talking to my attorney about trying to "settle" this whole divorce mess, she called his attorney with a buy out proposal. She asked him to discuss it with Asshole and let her know if he was interested. Well his attorney promptly sent her a letter indicating he didn't quite understand what she was proposing and to please put it in writing. She called me and encouraged me to try and communicate with Asshole, to see if he was interested in any of the proposed otherwise it would cost a pretty penney to draft an offer, and he wasn't interested then it was a big waste.

SO I bit my lip and called him. The conversation went surprisingly well. We agreed that it would make sense to try and discuss a possible settlement, and he was open to some of my ideas. It also sounds like alot of the snarkyness came from his lawyer, not him. Although I am not going to let him completely off the hook as he saw all the snarky correspondence that I have been receiving!

So Saturday he picks up Jake, and Monday we will have a sit down discussion after work to see if we can hammer out some type of compromise.

Last night I spent the night at D's. Last time for a while, as Jake won't be home to stay with the pooches. I can't leave them home alone. It was nice, even though he didn't get home from City Council until 1am. The city he works for the council is absolutley insane! Their meetings regularly go to 12 and 1 am. I complain about my Council, but they are tame by comparison. We stayed up past 2 talking and loving, then the alarm went off at 5 am! If you have never slept with a deaf guy, the alram is quite different. The bed vibrates, but there is an audible alarm also. The other times I have stayed over I have him turn off the sound, and it is not so annoying. But the sound and the bed shaking s a little crazy. And of course he sleeps right through it! We stayed in bed until 6:30, got alittle more sleep. Suffice to say I am exhausted! And there are 10 people coming for dinner tonight! Making burgers, so not too much work. *sigh* Tomorrw I am sleeping way in!

Coming to terms

Last night I watched Terms of Endearment on TV. Kind of a dumb thing to do considering how depressed I have been feeling for the last few days. Anyhow I cried, and cried. This morning I came to work and was on the verge of tears too. I also drank too much.

It is going to be a tough week. Jake moves back to school, D and the Brat leave Saturday for a 2 week vacation. I am really going to be alone.

Found out late last week that asshole could not take Jake up to school tomorrow, when he was SUPPOSED to move in because he had changed jobs. So now he is taking him up on Saturday. Which means I will have to see him, and I am sure that I will lose it. I probably shoud vacate the premises so there is no confrontation.

I did however take the dogs to the dog park sunday night. So I at least feel better about that. Daisy was very happy!

NOT!

I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT! NOT! NOT!

Sun Daze

Lazy day for me, although I did wake up and cook a huge breakfast for the kids, D and the brat. Everyone showed up about 11, and I made bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Yummy, always fun to overdose on pork products on the weekend. Candice hung for a bit to do laundry then took Jake over to a buddies. I closed my eyes after they left and didn't wake up for about a hour and a half.

Busy weekend. I had a City Council workshop for 5 hours on Saturday. That was awful. I could bitch about it for days, but suffice to say, it was another session of biting my tongue. At least the CM and my boss, who was not there, could have communicated my goals to me before they were announced via the workshop.

Friday I drove to Diego, Torrey Pines, with D to pick up the brat from golf camp. It has been so nice not having him around for the 2 and a half weeks. Back to normal.

Last night I went to a surprise 25th anniversay dinner for D's brother and sister in law, organized by the MIL. When the happy couple got there they did not look so happy! Lets say it was maybe not such a pleasant surprise. I sat next to the sister in law, D's brothers wife. Interesting. She is from England, no accent any more, but her mom still has one. She was ok. Not particularly friendly, but polite. His brother I hardly spoke to.

I am feeling a bit guilty about the dogs. Have not been to the dog park in ages. First we had the horrible heat, and now I have been lazy. Although it still is a bit hot for the dog park in my opinion. I need to reevaluate my daily schedule and look at the possibility of getting up earlier and walking them. Since asshole left I have not been able to get into any type of routine. And with the brat being gone it has made things worse as D and I have tried to spend almost every night together. Now that things are sorta back to normal, I thought I would try and get my act together.

Poor Sprocket

This morning Sprocket wasn't himslef. Was pacing the bedroom, would not eat his breakfast, and basically fell over while he was walking. I went into panic mode. I think it was because of the nightmare I had last night. Anyhow called and took him right to the vet. $420 later, it seems he has really bad arthritis. The disks in is back are compressed and he has bone spurs all up and down his back. So he ws just in alot of pain. We are however still waiting for the blood and urine panels to come back. More pain meds, he is already on one daily for is arthritis, metacam. Now a new one. I just feel bad for my little old man.