December 2005

December 24, 2005

Happy Holidays to everyone. I have not really posted anything significant lately, but I do want you all to know that I love ya, and I am thinking about all of you my friends. Here is my Christmas Letter for this year.

December 19, 2005

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas! I finally got some shopping done this weekend, both on-line and at stores. I got all the gifts for my staff, tomorrow I take them out to lunch for Christmas. Then Wednesday I will come in for a Christmas breakfast and I am done with work for the year! Yea.

Hubby has been a little more animated, however he is still going to therapy. I just am not sure what to do. So I am doing nothing.

I finished my Christmas letter, and now need to finish addressing cards and printing out the letter so I can get it in the mail.

I am hoping to do some fun stuff during my time off, see some movies maybe go for a hike, or even break out the bike. I haven't been riding for a while, and hubby might like that.

We went to the neighbors for a Christmas party yesterday afternoon. They have 2 big dogs, and black lab and a goldie. The black lab reminded me so much of bear! He was big, with a big head and a little overweight! It really made me miss a big mellow dogs, although I love my little crazy terriers too.

December 14, 2005


BNL update for CG! Well the concert was more fun than I even expected! We had seats on the floor in the 12th row, which meant we were soooooo close! Before the concert we were finding our seats and this short guy (I am 5'10") came up to me and said can I sign something for you? Being the dummy I am I didn't know it was Tyler, Mike looked at me and said he is the drummer. SO I whipped out my bumper sticker and he signed it, he signed stuff for the guys I was with then I went and got a signature from Ed.

I was so amazed at the band, they were so down to earth. Cracking jokes, and having fun with the audience. I am hooked. They sang an incredibly sad ballad during their second encore that I want to figure out the name of.

I will give a blow by blow later. I just wanted to get this up for Christine!

If I had a million dollars..........

December 13, 2005
send me a note:

Tonight I am going to the BNL concert! So no moping around today!

Here is a funny to get everyone laughing!

16 Serious Questions Raised by Rudolph

December 12, 2005


My heart is hurting. My stomach is in knots. My head is hurting too. I am so stressed out about my husband. He is really unhappy. He is going to therapy again this week. I asked him what was wrong, and his reply is that he has been telling me for years. I asked him to list the things again. That was this morning, after I invited him back to bed and he declined, again.

I am not sure if I want to know what is wrong, because it will all be with me. All of it, I am sure. I think I can handle a written list of inadequacies a little easier than a verbal reprimand. Maybe part of the marriage got bad during the 2 years or so that he told me he didn't love me. I wonder if he has considered how I might have felt during that time.

I have a feeling it is going to be a sucko Christmas.

December 9, 2005


I got supportive messages from yesterdays post. Thanks Pam and Ro! I feel a bit better today. I took Nat to get her car registered and insured for her Christmas present, we need to get a battery and smog it then she will have transportation. She got a job, so she asked to have us help her get her wheels in order for her Christmas birthday present. She is working at Peets Coffee. There are two in Pasadena, she is working at the east Pasadena one on Foothill. I am happy for her, it is a good job with good people, for a good coffee company.

Today is my sisters birthday. She would be 44. She died at 34, almost 10 years ago. Life has not been the same since.

I have been reading blogs of cancer survivors, not sure why but I just found a new one called Jenny's Belly. This woman was diagnosed per chance, with stomach cancer. You should read her, she is very brave.

December 8, 2005


It is December already. I am trying to get in the right state for the holidays. So far not doing to well in that department. Hubby had been out of town for almost two weeks, he came home yesterday. He only called me one time while he was gone. There is alot of strain in our relationship. He is very unhappy. With me. There are things that are not good, and it seems that no matter how hard I try to change them, make them good, it is never ever enough.

One of his big problems is that I don't take care of myself. So I start seeing a personal trainer, I ask him if he could take Jake to school Wednesday mornings so that I won't be so late for work, because I have a PT appointment at 5:30 am. I am doing something for me, and he really doesn't want to. He has to see if it will work out. We don't have sex enough, and I don't initiate it, so I start to and he doesn't want to anymore. He thinks I drink too much, so about 3 months ago I stopped drinking hard liquor completely except for a very occasional margarita, and only have a couple glasses of wine. I have made a very real attempt to keep my emotions under wraps, trying not to get upset about things, and really making an effort to keep Natalie away from me when she is being a bitch. He doesn't want her over, so I tell her that she can't come over, and I always ask him before I invite her over. That's what he wants.

SO much for happy holidays. I started my annual Christmas Letter, Holiday Headlines I call it. I need to finish it and get cards in the mail. I need to shop, and get the decorations out, hang lights in the driveway and maybe make some cookies. BAH HUMBUG.

I suppose I thought that marriage would be easy, that I would be accepted the way I am or the way I have evolved, but it doesn't seem to be working that way.