Monday Monday

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?

Stone

I watched the Family Stone last night. I had seen it with asshole when it first came out. But last night I bawled. I needed too. Its a good movie, and I just love the characters. The deaf gay son, the snarky young daughter, the loser son, and the overachiver,they are all great. And Diane Keaton is of course great. She is one of my favorites.

As you can see I did not fly off to meet the vacationers. No room at the Inn, which in a way was good as it would have been a huge hassle doing everything so last minute. Abscence mades the heart grow stonger in my case.

I am off to some friends for a swim and early dinner. They are having a few people over. I made a gorgeous tomato salad with buffalo mozzerella and basil. I am also bringing to wine. I hope people like it.

I had another disaster with Sprocket! I wanted to get him groomed yesterday, so I thought I would give him some ACE (tranquilizer) so that the groomer could get the job done more easily. Sprock is a little hellion, and does not like his face or legs brushed! I also wanted him trimmed. He is a Carin Terrier and really needs some grooming, not my version, I scissor trim him while he is alseep, and if he wakes up. Oh well, he looks like a bad hair day! Anyhow, he really had a reaction to the tranq. The groomer called me and said he fell over in the tub, was completely out of it, and thought I better come and take him to the vet. So off we went to the vet. Fortunatly he is going to be fine, but 24 hours later is still wobbley and snoring. I did not over dose him, it was probably a reaction from the other meds he is on for his arthritis. The vet tech called last night to check in to see how he was. Sleeping off his "good buzz". I was a mess. Thank God he is ok.

Wish you were here...

Ok I am getting snarky about this now. D and the brat are on vacation. Gone one week tomorrow, due back in one week from today. D has text messaged me several times "wish u were here".

I finally got pissed and send him a message, "don't say that unless you "really" mean it". He jokingly responded, "LOL, get on a plane but we won't have any privacy".

I responded, "I don't think you realize it but I would come up there if that is what you really wanted regardless, I just understoood that this vacation was for the 2 of you and I never pushed it to be anything but that. SO when u tell me you want me there, u don't realize I would get on a plane and book a room to be with u, but I don't think that is what you really want".

So he responds, "its ok with "the brat" so that means its ok by mean. Not sure about room availability".

I kinda lost it. I told him that he didn't understand my point, and that he should have a nice vacation, and to stop telling me "wish u were here", becuase it was frustrating me, I didn't know if he meant it to be "miss u" or why don't u come up". I also told him I was not trying to crash his vacation.

Am I over reacting? It is so fucking hard to try and communicate with him if you are not face to face.

Results

Well it went better than I expected. I was able to remain fairly calm, and cried some, but not hystericaly. The results of about an hour of discussions are:1) he can't afford to just buy me out, which would mean getting a mortage big enough to give me my share so I could walk away 2) we agreed to put the house on the market 3) I would outlines the conditions which I would agree upon for the sale/showing?etc 3) if house sells over the holiday period a long escrow so I don't have to move around Christmas 4) I can have final say on the selection of the realtor, which we will both interview.

So I suppose I will have to live in the house until it is sold. As long as everything is on my terms I will have to deal with it. I promised to get an outline of conditions to him by sometime next week.

The only good thing is that I won't have to move for a while, houses usually don't sell around the holidays, and it probably won't be on the market for at least a month. We have to interview realtors etc.

Negotiations

I meet the jerk tonight at the house to try and negotiate a settlement. I normally would not have suggested he come over but I know he wanted to get some of his stuff including his dishes. And since I had already packed up most of his stuff, his stuff, not joint stuff, it makes sense to just let him take it away. We will go somewhere to talk after that, or maybe just sit down at the table. Depends on how I feel.

I am not looking forward to this and am already on the verge of tears, which make me think leaving the house would be a good idea since it might keep me from bawling. Not sure why I want to cry, but maybe its because I still can't believe all this is happening to me.

In my wildest of dreams I think maybe he will change his mind, and not want to go through with it. But then I realize, I really don't want to be married to this jerk anymore. I want someone who is not so self centered. SO this is inevitable. And it needs to be over as soon as possible.

D and the brat are in Tahoe right now. I think that is making me even more melancholoy. I keep getting text messages from him describing my old home. Makes me homesick. He sent one that said "wish u were here". I din't respond, because I would have been if I had been invited. I wasn't. And it was probably not a good idea for me to go. The brat would have surely felt like I was horning in on his vacation. Although they are golfing almost every other day, so I don't know how that would have been possible!

Anyhow I will report in on how this night of horror goes. Hopefully I will be able to tolerate it and not get to emotional. Wish me luck.

Empty Nest

Tomorrow Jake leaves. I don't know why I am stressing out so much about him leaving. He has an aparment to live in, a meal card (getting on Monday), money in the bank, money in his wallet, financial aide on the way, he will have food in the fridge (if asshole takes him grocery shopping). He starts classes on monday. I guess I am just worried that he won't take care of "stuff". *sigh* I will call him on Monday and make sure that he is on top of it.

I am making a drink, and going to watch the news and wind down. Not like I am wound up at all. Just feeling alittle blue, Jake leaving, D and the brat leaving on vacation for 2 weeks.Today all I have done was got up and did some stuff around the house. Then packed up a picnic and drove over to D's house to meet him for lunch. I won't see him for 2 weeks and we knew that the last chance at being alone would be lunch today. We romped and fell asleep in each others arms, then woke up and ate cold chicken, sliced tomatoes, slaw and cold grilled vegetables. All leftovers from last night. A very nice little "nooner". I am very fortunate to have met this man. He really makes me smile, makes me laugh, make me realize life is not so bad.

Interesting developments

Well, after talking to my attorney about trying to "settle" this whole divorce mess, she called his attorney with a buy out proposal. She asked him to discuss it with Asshole and let her know if he was interested. Well his attorney promptly sent her a letter indicating he didn't quite understand what she was proposing and to please put it in writing. She called me and encouraged me to try and communicate with Asshole, to see if he was interested in any of the proposed otherwise it would cost a pretty penney to draft an offer, and he wasn't interested then it was a big waste.

SO I bit my lip and called him. The conversation went surprisingly well. We agreed that it would make sense to try and discuss a possible settlement, and he was open to some of my ideas. It also sounds like alot of the snarkyness came from his lawyer, not him. Although I am not going to let him completely off the hook as he saw all the snarky correspondence that I have been receiving!

So Saturday he picks up Jake, and Monday we will have a sit down discussion after work to see if we can hammer out some type of compromise.

Last night I spent the night at D's. Last time for a while, as Jake won't be home to stay with the pooches. I can't leave them home alone. It was nice, even though he didn't get home from City Council until 1am. The city he works for the council is absolutley insane! Their meetings regularly go to 12 and 1 am. I complain about my Council, but they are tame by comparison. We stayed up past 2 talking and loving, then the alarm went off at 5 am! If you have never slept with a deaf guy, the alram is quite different. The bed vibrates, but there is an audible alarm also. The other times I have stayed over I have him turn off the sound, and it is not so annoying. But the sound and the bed shaking s a little crazy. And of course he sleeps right through it! We stayed in bed until 6:30, got alittle more sleep. Suffice to say I am exhausted! And there are 10 people coming for dinner tonight! Making burgers, so not too much work. *sigh* Tomorrw I am sleeping way in!

Coming to terms

Last night I watched Terms of Endearment on TV. Kind of a dumb thing to do considering how depressed I have been feeling for the last few days. Anyhow I cried, and cried. This morning I came to work and was on the verge of tears too. I also drank too much.

It is going to be a tough week. Jake moves back to school, D and the Brat leave Saturday for a 2 week vacation. I am really going to be alone.

Found out late last week that asshole could not take Jake up to school tomorrow, when he was SUPPOSED to move in because he had changed jobs. So now he is taking him up on Saturday. Which means I will have to see him, and I am sure that I will lose it. I probably shoud vacate the premises so there is no confrontation.

I did however take the dogs to the dog park sunday night. So I at least feel better about that. Daisy was very happy!

NOT!

I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT!
I am doing ok, NOT! NOT! NOT!

Sun Daze

Lazy day for me, although I did wake up and cook a huge breakfast for the kids, D and the brat. Everyone showed up about 11, and I made bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Yummy, always fun to overdose on pork products on the weekend. Candice hung for a bit to do laundry then took Jake over to a buddies. I closed my eyes after they left and didn't wake up for about a hour and a half.

Busy weekend. I had a City Council workshop for 5 hours on Saturday. That was awful. I could bitch about it for days, but suffice to say, it was another session of biting my tongue. At least the CM and my boss, who was not there, could have communicated my goals to me before they were announced via the workshop.

Friday I drove to Diego, Torrey Pines, with D to pick up the brat from golf camp. It has been so nice not having him around for the 2 and a half weeks. Back to normal.

Last night I went to a surprise 25th anniversay dinner for D's brother and sister in law, organized by the MIL. When the happy couple got there they did not look so happy! Lets say it was maybe not such a pleasant surprise. I sat next to the sister in law, D's brothers wife. Interesting. She is from England, no accent any more, but her mom still has one. She was ok. Not particularly friendly, but polite. His brother I hardly spoke to.

I am feeling a bit guilty about the dogs. Have not been to the dog park in ages. First we had the horrible heat, and now I have been lazy. Although it still is a bit hot for the dog park in my opinion. I need to reevaluate my daily schedule and look at the possibility of getting up earlier and walking them. Since asshole left I have not been able to get into any type of routine. And with the brat being gone it has made things worse as D and I have tried to spend almost every night together. Now that things are sorta back to normal, I thought I would try and get my act together.

Poor Sprocket

This morning Sprocket wasn't himslef. Was pacing the bedroom, would not eat his breakfast, and basically fell over while he was walking. I went into panic mode. I think it was because of the nightmare I had last night. Anyhow called and took him right to the vet. $420 later, it seems he has really bad arthritis. The disks in is back are compressed and he has bone spurs all up and down his back. So he ws just in alot of pain. We are however still waiting for the blood and urine panels to come back. More pain meds, he is already on one daily for is arthritis, metacam. Now a new one. I just feel bad for my little old man.

Home Sweet Home

Got back late afternoon yesterday after way to many hours behind the wheel. Arrived in Chico right at 3 pm on Friday, just in time to get Jake and head back down to Sacramento for the evening. We checked into the hotel which was across the street from the state capital, went to dinner and then tok a nice walk around capitol park. The capitol building is not very impressive, but the park was! There are tons of varieties of trees. All marked. I am not sure of the history of the park, but there must be a reason that there is such a wide variety of trees planted there. We also saw the FIrefighters memorial, which is dedicated to all the California Firefighters who lost their lives in the line of duty, and the Vietnnam memorial which is the same. California Vets who were killed in action.

Back in the room, which was nice, on the 20th floor and a corner room with a view, we got a movie. The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. It was funny, although I fell asleep halfway through. That was the 2 martinins with dinner.

Left Sacramento at 8 am on Saturday and rolled into the driveway at 2. I hate all the driving and am so happy to be home with my dogs, and to have Jacob here too. We went to Candices for dinner, and to hang out at the pool. D and the brat came over too. I must say since the stint at diabetes campt, the brat has mellowed quite a bit. We will see what happens when he gets back from Golf camp, which he is being shuttled to today.

I missed D. Hadn't seen him since Friday morning, and have not had sex for several days! So I am ready. I am hoping he will come over and spend the night tonight after he gets back from San Deigo, and dropping of the brat and camp.

So another week of being able to sleep together. It will be hard after getting used to it, to stop. I am hoping we will still be able to figure out a night here and there.

Back at work tomorrw. It doesn't seem like I had a weekend. Oh well.

Endometreosis

I have suffered from this for years. Since I was diagnosed at about 17 years old. Had several surgeries to remove growths, including one to remove a tumor the size of a grapefruit when I was 23. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 30. I never tried to get pregnant and have a baby, but I have been told several times that it would have been hard if not impossbile. When I was really young, early 20's it was just the opposite. If you get pregnant, the endometriosis will probably go away never to return. Well I got shafted both ways, no babies, and still in pain.

This month, ie TODAY is especailly awful. Felt like a searing pain in my gut. Stayed home with a heating pad and lots of advil. I usually have something stronger in the house, but I don't today. fuck.

To complain some more tomorrow I have to drive to Chico to pick up Jake. I am looking forward to seeing him, but not to the drive. The plan is 7am to Chico, arrive about 3pm. Pick up Jake, drive to Sacramento, about 2 hours, stay at the Sheraton, drive home Saturday morning. I just hope I start feeling better!!

So I won't post agiana til Saturday or Sunday. He will only be home a couple weeks before he moves back up to start the Fall semester. I can't believe he is a college student.

6 months

Six months ago today Natalie died. I am not dwelling on it. But I remember. I suppose the first of each month I will always think of her death. It was almost like we picked the day she would die, in a way. We decided when we would take her off life support. So the day she died, was the day we decided she would go.

I am wondering if I am the only one thinking this. I wonder if the kids connect it at all. Probably not.

I am about to get my period. So I am a bit grumpy, and my back hurts, and I am complaining a bit. HA! Ok alot!

I am hungry, and I shoudn't be. I had a big lunch, and breakfast. This morning I got on the scale and officialy am down 20 ppounds. So to celebrate I drove through Mac Donalds on the way to work and ate breakfast. I had soup for lunch, at my favorite chinese place. They do the best chicken noodle soup. Ramen noodles, and broth, then they sautee veggies and chicken and put it on top of the bowl with the noodles. Very filling and healthy. But for some reason, I am hungry and it is only 3:30. Probably becasue I am PMS, makes me ravenous!