Day of the Dead

Tomorrow it will be 8 months since Natalie died. She dies in my arms, and the arms of her friends and sister and brother. There was music playing, her favorites, but for the life of me I can’t recall the song. It was probably Dave Matthews. I didn’t cry, I didn’t want her to worry that something was wrong. I only cry when there is something wrong. Dying isn’t wrong.

I remember what she was wearing, Candice picked it out. A purple skirt and a yellow tank top with sequins on it; we brushed her hair after they took off all the life support tubes and needles, so she wouldn’t look so sick. I would have washed it if I thought there would be time; she was such a fanatic about clean hair. We wanted her to look like an angel as she became one. But it wasn’t long before she turned grey, as the life drained from her body, as her little lungs could no longer sustain the movement of the precious oxygen that is the giver of life. I wish she was pink, she would have looked better but, that is not the color of death.

I don’t remember what the weather was like that day. We all went to sushi after she died; some macabre gesture that everyone except me thought would be what Nat wanted. I just wanted to go home and get drunk. But I did sushi and sake, and for the sake of the kids tried to act like it was the right thing to do. It was stupid because Nat wasn’t there eating it with us.

Tomorrow is Dia de las Muertes; the day that the dead is honored.

Today is Monday

So I had my surgery, and today they took the cast off. I now have 2 metal pins protruding from the tip of my finger. Really Gross. Candice took me to the docs, and told me not to look at my finger, becuase it was too gross, so I didn't. But I managed to see the metal out of the corner of my eye.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. It really grosses me out. I thought I might try to talk about something else for a change. Although for the lasr few weeks I have done nothing. Felt sorry for myself, no writing, nothing around the house, just watched TV and slept. I didn't feel like doing anything else, but I feel as if I should have been doing things. But nothing.

Sprocket was sick again today. This time bloody diareah. I got him to the vet, and $450 later it is probably an ulcer frpom all the pain meds he is on for his arthritis. Thank god. I was worried it would be some horrible cancer or something!

So he is on a bland diet. And some different meds<>

more surgery

saw the doc today. the "good" one, Ha! he is the hand surgeon. apparently i have to have about a half inch of dead bone cut out and a pin put in my finger. the healing is going slowly and they think it is becuase of 2 things. one the fact that the dead bone does not have any blood flow and thus the antibiotic is not getting to the infection and the fact my finger isnt mobilized. so back into the hospital on thursady. fortunatly i can come home the same day if there are not any complications.

the north koreans, kim jong il, is fucking crazy!

mia

ok. so last wednesday the docs put me back into the hospital, i had more surgery on my finger. the infection had not cleared ans was quite awful. aat this point the problem is no longer from sprocket biting me, it is from doctors not treating the infectio agressively after surgery. so i spent 6 days in the hospital and am now home on IV antibiotics for 6 friggin weeks!!!

i definately will not be able to go into the office for a couple weeks. they are sending a nurse to the house everyday to change my dressing and look at the PICC line, which i am gettin antibiotics in. i change th iv bag daily and the pump measures the dosage and infuses the stuff. wonders of modern medicine.

so other than being, exhausted, in pain, depressed and snarky, life is ok. i suppose.