Monday Monday

What a way to start the week. Dead car battery this morning. My own damn fault. I wanted to charge my TREO since it was dead, so I took it to the car and turned it on, charged the TREO got distracted, took the TREO closed the car door and went upstairs for the eveing. The next morning I couldn't find my keys. GEEZE they are in the ignition of my car turned to on. Dead battery. A blonde moment.

Work is slow, I am not motivated to tackle big projects, so I am doing peripheral things until I can get more motivated. Hopefully it won't take more than a few days. I have masssively huge projects on the horizon, actaully the department does, so I just need to mentor my staff. Since a few are on vacation we will look at after Labor day to start plodding ahead. That way I can gear up.

Yesterday asshole was supposed to drop off boxes that he took and unpacked. I need as many as I can get, so I didn't want him to keep them. I decided after I woke up that I was not in the mood to deal with him, so I called and left Candice a message to just take the boxes for me. She was meeting him for breakfast. I called several times and she didn't respond. So I finally decided to bail. I read the paper and found a few open houses I wanted to check out, and I wanted to get my car washed, and I was starving for an in-and-out cheesburger (hold the spread). So I bailed. About a half hour later sure enough I get the call.

I don't understand why talking to him upsets me so much. I am fine until we talk, then I want to cry, get choked up over the stupidest stuff, and am not good for hours. I want to say, it is because I still love him. But I don't think that is it, I think it is because this is not the way it is supposed to be. I am not supposed to be getting a divorce, losing my daughter, moving to a small house in a different neighborhood, I am supposed to be happily married living in my view home, with dogs, and kids in collge and nice vacations and skiing every winter, sunday family dinners, champange with the father in law and all the other stuff I got used to. Dumb things with the out-laws, daily grind with him, finally enjoying the alone time we waited years for. Now it is here and he isn't.

Change right now is not good. He acts like its all ok, we are going to interview realtors, put the house up on the market agree to whatever, then go our seperate ways like it is no big deal. But it really is a big deal. He is settling into his new place, a condo on the beach. I am staring trasition in the face everyday. First Him leaving then Nat and Jacob, now a move, to probably a new area where I don't know anyone. Packing up the house, Nats things, throwing away memories, boxing up our lives.

I really liked one of the house I saw yesterday. But last night I had nightmares about the neighborhood. That there was a homeless man living under the deck in the back yard, and people were looking into the windows in the living room. So much for that house.

Will this ever end. How long?