Burning the candle at both ends

I am posting at 3 sites, not including my-meadow, my real home. They are:
Daisy the dog.
Rants and Raves and Reviews

And this one. Black and White and Read all over.

Maybe I am over doing it, I suppose I am just trying to keep busy. DUH!

A Ghost from the Past

There is something that I need major advice on. I am not sure if I have even mentioned it here on the blog, so I may need to backtrack a bit. Back on November 13 I received this e-mail:

"Hey Annie G,

I only have a moment. It's poker night. I'm pretty good at Texas Hold 'em. A man has to have his priorities straight. The reason I didn't receive your earlier e-mail is my account was closed. Just simply didn't have time to fool with it. As luck would have it, I'm currently building a vacation home for an attorney from St. Louis, who requires me to communicate via e-mail.

Mom died three years ago after a long wasting away kind of illness. Dan & Brenda are fine. We aren't nearly as close as we once were. Dan borrowed $ 150,000 from me to float a big electrical job he was doing. It took me six years to get it back. You can imagine that made me a little upset.....

So, would you be interested in marrying me & living happily ever after in Stringville on the Ponderosa???????????? Where are you going to find a world traveling, fifty year old man/child, who's never been married, has no children & loves you so much I'm crying as I type this letter.............................

cell xxxxxxxxxx

Gotta go. It's still poker night!

Love always,"

This was the third of a series of "catch up" e-mails. He finally got an e-mail about Natalie, and we started playing "catch up".

This is a man I lived with for 3 years in Tahoe. We broke up and 2 years later my sister died, I needed a contractor to help me fix up my house so I could sell it. He and his brother (an electrician) flew out to California (from Missouri) for a week and worked on the house. He also offered to marry me, as his sister an attorney indicated I would have a much better chance at getting custody of the kids if I was married, instead of single.

I kept in touch with his sister, we were very close, and occasionally I got a card of letter from him. I politely declined the proposal, but in my heart I wanted nothing more than to pick up and run away. The family owns a huge ranch in South East Missouri, a beautiful part of the country. I saw myself starting over and being free from this life of pain and sadness and really "starting over" but with someone familiar and kind.

But my sensible side takes over, my relationship with D, my job and retirement. I really love him even though I know that the fact his kid really is what is the most important. That became clear last week.

Anyhow I have had several e-mails, and a dozen long stemmed roses, and then this e-mail today:

"Hey Annie G,

What's the latest???????? Did you sell your house? Have you found new lodging? How many steps are there to the front door???????? Are you O.K.????????????????????????

Beth gave me a copy of the newsletter. You have had one hell of a year!!!
Speaking of which, I do believe Tuesday is the day of your birth!!! By all means, Happy Birthday to you, Annie G!!!!! I only wish I were there to celebrate with you. Maybe I could make you laugh out loud or give you an extended embrace from an old friend................ I'd better stop right
there- think I gettin' wood!

Now then! I am currently planning MY 50th birthday getaway. It includes palm trees, tropical breezes, secluded beaches, a 38 ft. sailboat w/captain, fine dining every night and all the adult beverage you care to consume on a daily basis! Remotely interested??????????

Seriously, Phil & I want you to join us for a week in the Carribean! Phil's birthday is April 6. Of course, mine is March 10th 7 yours is, well......tomorrow! We are flying into Tortola, sailing to Virgin Gorda to dine at "The Bitter End", come around to St. Johns for a day at Turtle Bay, maybe have some cocktails at "Skinny Legs", then onto Jost Van Dyke for an evening at Foxy's. Back to Tortola to check out the rock cliffs at "The Baats". Oh, and we have to purchase grossly overpriced t-shirts everywhere we stop!!!! You can be present in any capacity you choose, but you must be present!

I'd love for you to be there with us and so would Phil. You can have your pick of Staterooms. We'll grind fresh coffee beans for you every morning, bring you breakfast in bed, let you sleep until the "crack of noon". It will be our birthday gift to you! Ten years worth!! or more..............

Love you bunches! (Circles in fact)

Happy birthday Annie G!

Love always,"

This is on the verge of the man I am dating and having sex with forgets about my birthday, because he was too busy planning snowboard trips for his son, including one he is the chauffeur for, back to back weekends, and no one asked if maybe I would want to do something special for my birthday. Including asking me if I would like to join in on the Ski/snowboard trip. I am an avid skier in case I have not mentioned that, 10 years of living in Tahoe.

I suppose I should put up all the e-mails to really explain. But most of you would be bored. Any suggestions?

Another Day in Paradise

I didn't sleep well last night. I didn't take a sleeping pill either. I am trying to create some normalcy in my life, some routine, some type of happiness. It was just another Monday at work. I am waiting for the contingencies to be removed from our house; tomorrow is the deadline. I want to make an offer on a house, as I have mentioned. But I think that the snarky builder who is buying our place is holding out and will ask for more credits, even though we were very clear when we accepted his offer that we would offer NO credits and that we didn't want him to waste our time if he intended to try and nickel and dime us.

If you haven't seen the house these two links will take you to realtor.com listings which have several pictures. Different ones from each link.
http://www.realtor.com/Prop/1072515086
www.realtor.com/Prop/1072526330

He got a deal for what we gave it to him for!!! That's the scoop on the house. I will be writing an offer on the house around the corner on Wednesday, and submit it as soon as things are settled, if things are settled.

Out of Control

I lost it Friday night. I am really ashamed of myself. No one was here but the dogs. I was depressed, not sure about anything. Roscoe, or one of them, I am pretty sure it was Roscoe, pissed on my bed. I thew Roscoe across the room, I felt awful then I banged my head against the wall until could hardly see. Roscoe is fine, he landed on the big down comforter he peed on. I was drinking, which I do more than I should. I have a lump on my forehead, and am feeling pretty depressed.

I made myself dinner tonight. All by myself, all alone. Breaded chicken breasts, parmigiana, with spaghetti and sauce. They were good, to bad I didn't have someone to share them with. That would have been nice.

Past the Anger

Ok. So I am past all the anger I had last night. I have now fallen into the depression. Not even sure why. That was stupid, of course I know why. I have been dealing with so much, and now I am having to deal with the sale of my house and moving. Not to mention the fact that my son to be ex decided that he didn't want to give me the agreed upon amount for a spousal support settlement. I wont bore you with the gory details. But I am not signing any documents until i get in writing from him that the agreed upon disbursements of funds from escrow will be what he promised, or he signs the settlement agreement. God I want this to be over with already!

In case you would like to go there. Daisy the pink dog now has her very own website. She will be providing k-9 commentary, and also highlighting any significant doggy news that comes her way. Pimp her site for me!

Alone again, Naturally

Jake went back to school today. I took him to the airport an kissed him goodbye. He will have a rough time. He is now on academic probation, he he needs to pull his head out fast. Hopefully he will.

I am mad at the world. the people that supposedly love me just plain forgot that my fucking birthday is next week, so lets plan stuff out for spoiled rotten kid two weekends in a row. Gee maybe annie might want to do something, but who the fuck cares.

Oh well.

Home Perhaps

I think I found my home. Its basically around the corner. I was on the market, sold and then fell out of escrow. I think it was meant to be. The house is a little out of my price range, but I think they will come down a bit now.

I am scared to make an offer, yet excited too. I think that I will be living there in a couple months. But I don't want to jinx my luck. Its not a perfect house, but I like it. I can paint, and deal with the things that need to be updated a little at a time.

Day Two

Sick! Home coughing up a lung. I haven't been this sick in a long time. Taking cough medicine, cough drops advil and going through my third box of lkeenex in 3 days. I actually went to work yesterday, and have to go tomorrow. I feel better now than I did this morning. I think I am getting the cough under control with the meds.

The weather today was not January weather, it was at least 80, if not warmer. It will cool off tomorrw and perhaps rain later in the week. We get so little cool weather I just hate when our winter gets interrupted with some unseasonable temps.

The kids are coming for dinner. I am not up to it, but it will be easy, just rilling steaks and making some baked potatoes. I wil have candice put together a salad.

Day One

Today is the first day of escrow. So now I have 59 days to find a new home.

I decided to get ultra depressed so I watched Brokeback Mountain. It is such a beautiful love story. And the setting so reminds me of my life in Tahoe. God I want that back so badly.

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversaries. Barbara's death, asshole leaving me, Nata lie leaving us. That is not until February 1, but the whole month of January we watched her die.

Accepted

Well the counter offer that we submitted was accepted. The house will go into escrow on Monday and baring any problem it will close in 60 days, which will be March 8th.

No Room at the Inn

Well I went back to work this week. It was slow as expected, although I spent quite a bit of time trying to deal with an "impostor" my-space account that someone put up and used the picture of the Chief of Police of the City I work in. LOL. It was actually a pretty funny site. Next to his picture was "We are here to beat your Ass". Then a 4 minute clip of police brutality, some policemen beating the shit out of someone!!

So after about a dozen e-mails to my-space and our attorneys the site came down. The photo was taken off the City web site. People don't realize how easy it is to just steal your identity, camera phones, scanning, we sites. If it exists anywhere in cyberspace or in print it can be found and used.

Looks like the house sold. We are going back with the offer, counter offer game right now. But I think this will be it. I will soon have 60 days in which to find a new home and then start a new life. I suppose that should be a countdown I shouldn't miss.

Jacob got his grades. He failed every class but 1. I was appalled, so was he. I dont think he realized he had done that poorly. So now he is on academic probation. If he doesnt get his act together he will be kicked out, and have to come home and go to jr. college. This I would not be happy about, especially since in about 60 days I will be moving from my spaciouss 2500 sq ft home built on 4 lots, over a third of an acre. To a 1100 sq ft home built on a postage stamp. No room at the Inn. That will not be a "good thing".

Happy New Year

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death.

The Ghosts

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.

Merry Christmas

To all and to all a good night!

We got an offer

This is either a good thing, or a bad thing, The offer is low, way low. An 80% offer, which is supposed to be typical. I am snarky about it because that means I have to leave my home, and I don't want to.

5 days until Christmas

Not sure why I am suddenly getting chatty. Maybe its the time of year, maybe its cuz I am lonely. I realized a person can feel lonely even when they are surrounded by people. What a notion. It is five days until Christmas. I need to wrap presents, grocery shop for meals that I will be serving, and get a tree. Yep, still have not got a tree. Will do that tomorrw, maybe.

I had this idea that I would throw out all the old ornaments, old memories, and buy all new stuff. I changed my mind. I will carefully go through all the ornaments, any that do not have "good" memories, or are not extra special to me will go in the trash. I want some new traditions and new memories. Better yet maybe this year I won't even open the Christmas boxes, I will just put lights on the tree and be done with it! Leave the ornament thing for next year when I am not as inclined to throw things away!

All Carols all the time!

Been thinking a lot about life, death, holiday time and what it all means if anything. This has been a difficult time for me. What isn’t (whine). I was grouchy for about 2 weeks, and now I am just working through it all.

I started listening to Christmas carols on the all carols all the time radio station on the way to pick up Jacob from the airport Friday; have not changed the station since. Made dinner for the gang Friday night, it was nice to have everyone together. Saturday night D and I went to dinner. The restaurant was all decked out for the holidays, we had fun. I even finished all my shopping!!!

Sunday I made a wreath and hung the stockings, yesterday I finished my Christmas newsletter which gets included with the cards I am supposed to be sending; haven’t done that yet. The only reason I even wrote a newsletter this year was because I have been getting cards from people I only hear from once a year. They didn’t know Nat died or Asshole left me! They will be in for a big surprise!

Today I took my staff out for lunch; I do this every year for Christmas. They pick the place, I pick up the tab. Tonight I go to the brats Christmas program, since he is in Choir at school. It should be fun. Get to hear teenagers sign Christmas carols. At least the can’t be snarky while they are singing.

I am taking time off from work through out the holidays, and am looking forward to having some fun. Maybe seeing a few movies, cooking some yummy meals, looking for a place to live. Forgetting about what is sad, and creating a few new memories. I just hope D realizes just because he is taking a week of, we don’t have to spend it all with the kid. I really want some time with him, and no kid.

We have another appointment

If I hear those 4 words again I am going to scream. I know its a good thing in terms of selling the house, but it is so flipping inconvienient. I haven't cooked for over two weeks, and am dying for some decent food. Not resturant either, my cooking!!! Tonight I went to Whole Foods, salad bar and hot food bar, could not believe the price tag for some salads, a piece of chicken spinach and mac and cheese. Don't even guess.

I want to cook this week for the masses. Maybe wednesday but the brat is grounded from TV (because he didn't turn in an english assignment) and I don't feel like dealing with him if I can't plug him into a TV for a few hours. He is just so high maintenance. He can't entertain himself for 5 minutes and I refuse to entertain him and cook him dinner.

One of my best friends was right. Regardless of how I feel about D, his son, will always be his son, and always be a challenge (I think). I need to remember that and not reach expectations that are unreasonable,.

Snarky

I am in a foul mood, and have been for the last few days. I am dreading the upcoming hoildays, my house is on the market which means it has to be picked up and clean every morning before I leave for the office. This is not me. I like leaving my underware on the floor in the bathroom, and not making my bed. Dishes need to be washed, which I rarely do. I load the dishwasher until full then leave the rest in the sink until Thursday when the cleanng lady comes and finishes up. Now remember its just little ole me in the house now, so we are not talking a huge pile, we are talking a few glasses and a plate or two in the sink.

I even have to leave tonight so the house can be shown at 7 pm. I will not tolerate this level of inconvenience for very long.

On the other hand there have been lots of showings, and realtor open houses yesterday, today and tomorrow, with an advertised one for buyers on this Sunday. I think it may sell fairly quickly. Which means I will be homeless sooner than later.

I did find a very cute place, which I will be seeing for the second time tomorrw. I will take D there for his opinion. The only drawback is that there is no yard. Only a patio. There is hillside in the front, but without terracing it would be too steep for the dogs. This is a possibly big problem. I love the house, but what do I do about the pooches?

My little slice of heaven

After all this time the for sale sign will go up on my home tomorrow morning. The place where I have raised 3 children, had holidays and birthdays dinners. Hosted slumber parties, and pizza parties. Cried and laughed. Mourned my losses, and celebrated joys.

I feel so melancholy about this. I just hope that I can find my new "home" sonner than later, so I can start over. I will miss my glass of wine while watching the sun set here.