Birthdays

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

Grinchy

I am feeling extremely grouchy the last couple days. I have also had some pretty awful nightmares. Not sure if it’s the holidays, p.m.s., or just life. This year I decided to do nothing for the people at work. I exchange with 2 people here, have for years, so only did that. I used to take my whole staff out for lunch on my dime somewhere nice. But this year I just said forget it, it just seems like a lot of effort that not everyone appreciates. So Bah Humbug.

I think talking to my ex-husband on Monday night probably didn’t help my mood either. He is so nonchalant. Like nothing ever happened. Before he said good-bye he said well I guess I will see you on Sunday when I pick up Jake. Yea right in your dreams! It tortures me to see him, to talk to him. I didn’t want to be divorced; I don’t suppose he gets that. He might move to Hong Kong for a couple years for work, I say please go, the farther the better, less chance of ever having to run into you or talk.

I did finish my Christmas cards. I can’t believe I actually got through that exercise. So everything is done, one gift to buy menus to plan and shop for Christmas Eve and day, then all the gifts to wrap.

I have been giving Daisy her allergy shots very 4 days. It seems like they might be working. She is not licking her paws as much. I hope so, as she really seemed miserable for awhile there.

I am trying to keep up with this site a little more. I think it helps to keep me grounded.

It's all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

PMS

Yea, its that week again. The week I get weepy, bitchy and hungry. If I could come up with 4 other words I could call it PMS and the seven moods. The weepy started a couple days ago when I started to miss being married. Yea I know I'm crazy. I don't miss the ex, I miss the companionship, then the bitchy hit today at work with some people are just so lame they should be fired. The hungry has been going on also for a couple days. Usually by the time my period starts most of these symptoms wil lbe gone, but that won't be until the middle of next week!

So next week I am only working one day, which will be nice. A bit of a vacation. Although I am not going anywhere. Hopefully I will feel like doing stuff, and not just laying around and veging.

This weekend not many plans, tonight sushi with the kids, tomorrow I am taking my car in for service, Saturday a Dodger game and nothing on Sunday. Cuz the bithchiness has arrived I am not looking forward to the game where I will have to deal with the "kid". Although my kid is going to so I will sandwhich myself between him and D for safety.

Holding On

How do we put one foot in front of another, get out of bed in the morning, and make it through the day. How do we hold on to sanity when the odds are all against it. How do we manage. Why can't we change what has happened, control the past the outcome, make it all better. Why?

Today when I thought I was holding on, i lost it. Driving home, i saw it in the road, i thought it was a squirrel. It was a small dog, a chihuahua laying dead in the road. All alone, small and helpless. There was nothing I could do but cry. Be sad for the poor thing, that had no collar, probably no responsible owner. Otherwise it would be sitting on a pink pillow eating something yummy. I HATE irresponsible dog owners.

The only think I could do for the poor thing, was cry, was to sob all the way home, being sad for why it happened. Wishing it had not, dreaming that I could change the impossible. Because I can't make you come back little baby. You are gone, and it is sad, and I am soo sorry.

The Ghosts

Last night I went back and read the last 2 years of my journal. If you have not read me before at www.my-meadow.com, I have 5 years of journaling there. Being where I am today I was important for me to get a feeling for why I am where I am at now. It was sad but enlightening. It seems as if the last 3 years have really been hard. 2004, Nat had her transplant and all the stress and time and energy that goes with that, 2005 Nat decided to do drugs and try and kill herself, and she battled with rejection episodes and several pneumonia's, and 2006 well that was the worst. But it made me realize that this year has to be better. There has been so much turmoil and stress and sadness in my life these last few years that suffuce to say if things don't get better I am checking out. Stringtown is looking better all the time.