Birthdays

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.