Birthdays

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

If wishes were fishes

So I went to the docs yesterday and he took the big bandage off, and only just my finger is wrapped now. He also pulled out the packing from the incisions which hurt like hell! But wrapped only the one finger back up, which allows me much more mobility, but the pain, is still bad; but he did give me meds to stop the nausea, Which is a good thing.

Andy has been in my dreams every night. Not bad dreams but not good either. They have been about me wanting to reconcile. Upsetting dreams, making me wonder about my life. I just wish that this was either all over or not happening at all. That is my wish. I guess my other wish would be that wishes could come true.

The Dream

The more I thought about the dream, the more I thought I should write it down. I think that part of it was prompted by an article I read in the San Diego Union, it was an interview with 2 different church leaders. One eastern, musilm, one western, chrisitian. They both felt that worldwide signs indicated it was the end of days, or the end of the world as we catholics call it. I supppose since I was a kid I have surpressed a fear of this. My mother would constantly chime"it's the end of the world", every time some significant negative world event occured. As a child, it frightened me. As an adult I suppose that fear comes to the surface. My mother was and still is a lunatic.

But in the dream my sister was there. She had a book, with pictures, and was trying to show me all the signs of what was happening all over. Pictures of statues and stone gods. I kept tearing the pages of the book up, but she kept trying to show me. She told me it didn't matter if I tore tha pages up, it would still happen. My sister is dead, for those of you who haven't followed my story. So I suppose that as I thought more about this, it seems as if my sister, from the other side, is trying to tell me something.

D was in the dream, and I was trying to talk to him and he couldn't hear me, and wasn't paying attention. When I finally got his attention he told me that he would not believe me becasue I had lied before, so why shouldn't he believe what Barbara (my sister) was saying. It was distressing because the person I feel the safest with now, D, was not my ally in my dream.

I know that there is too much shit going on in my life now, and maybe I need to clean up some of the stuff. There is one thing going on now, that I won't even write about here in my secret of secret places, that I need to "deal" with. And no it is not any type of substance abuse.

I need a clearer conscience.

Back to reality

After a long weekend of bliss. We did nothing. We slept in, ate breakfast in bed, layed by the pool, drank good wine, ate good food, walked into town for fun and dinner one night. I have not felt this relaxed in years.

Brat is at camp. And he is there until August 5th!!!! So even though we are back to the daily drind, there is still a reprieve from the kid. D needs it bad. Being a single parent of a high maintenance kid can kill ya. He is looking so much better after the wind down weekend.

I was doing the same until this morning when D woke me up from a horrific nightmare, which then became a daymare in a sense becuase I couldn't get it out of my brain. I am still a bit distressed by it.

Asshole (aka almost ex husband) used to tell me not to tell people what I was dreaming becuase they would think I was crazy, and should be locked up. Sometimes from the content of my dreams I alos think so. I am not sure what it means when you dream so intensly and so vividly, but I am sure it is something wierd.

My sister was in this dream, as was D. Not sure I want to go there.