Just Another Post

This is just another post. I have been hiding out I suppose, although I hurt my back on my birthday last week and have been suffering with that, I went to the doc on Monday and she gave me some pain meds and said to stay home from work this week. Well of course that is close to impossible as I had several meetings. So I go into the office in the morning thinking I will leave early to go home and rest and take some meds, and of course it is almost impossible to leave, because of constant demands. I suppose I should have just said screw it and stayed home. But it’s a bad week to be home without anything to do.

I watched the movie Fast Food Nation on Sunday night. Bad move on my part. It was awful; I will never eat a hamburger again, and will probably never eat beef again. I was a vegetarian for years, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. Now I enjoy a nice rib eye and a big juicy burger. Well those days are gone. I am not going to go into the detail, but if you want to give up meat, watch the movie.

I am going to try and go to the cemetery on Friday; it will be 2 years since Natalie died. She is buried in her plot with her mother, and I have not put a headstone there yet. The problem is that I can only have one. Barbara’s is there and was designed by the kids; it has her picture etched into it. So I don’t want to get rid of it. However I can’t put 2 stones there, so I have 2 choices, add Natalie’s information to the bottom of Barbara’s stone... Or remove that stone and design one for the 2 of them. I would like to get this done; I think it will give me some peace. I wanted Jake and Candice to help me decide, Jake is not into it, and he is away at school. Candice said she would come with me if she wasn’t working, so at least I can get her input. I am inclined to just add to the existing stone, if there is room for her name, thee dates and line that reads “It’s all about the love”.

Birthdays

This is a bad month for me. To many anniversary, birthdays, memories of sad things. The 16th was Nats birthday. That morning early maybe 2 or 3 am I dreamt about her. She came over and when she walked in the door I announced Nats here and went to her and gave her a big hug. The time before when I dreamt about her I woke myself up because I was scared. In my dream the phone was ringing, and as usual I let the answer machine pick up to screen. It was Natalie, she started to talk, and I started to panic. I woke myself up before I could pick up the phone. I was afraid to speak to her.

So for her birthday I made her favorite dish, Chicken Paprika. She loved it and I hardly ever made it because the ex was lactose intolerant and it needs sour cream. So I did it for her birthday and scooped out some for him before I added the sour cream. So I made it Wednesday with lots of sour cream and noodles. It was good. and the cooking was more healing than sad.

Candice and I finally spoke, she is coming over tonight so we can talk. She wants me to make up with Billy but I am not sure that I want to do any more than say I am sorry. I still think all those thing I said, I just wont say them any more.

We all make mistakes, right?

I did a really dumb thing Thursday night. I am not quite sure what made me snap, but I did. I think it is everything that is going on, it being the month of anniversaries of the horrible things. So there was then the straw that broke the camels back. I'm not even sure what it was.

I totally bitched out Candice's boyfriend. They have been together over 2 years. They have had their rough patches, he came home with hickeys on his neck after being out with his friends once, drove home from his brothers at UCI so drunk that when he got to Candice's he passed out in her bed and urinated, I cant stand the way he treats his mother, whom he still lives with, he is 27. I could go on, but the icing on the cake was when he quit his job late last summer. It was his first real job out of college, he was there less thank a year. A graphic designer he thinks he should be working for some big fashion agency. MEH. Any how so he decides he is better than this place, doesn't like the commute he isn't getting paid enough so he resigns. Needless to say he is still unemployed. Had some part time work, one job Candice got him. One job through an agency.

Its been bugging me. No one told him what a bad decision he made. He came over shortly after he quit and asked me to help him with his resume. I told him that with 1 year of experience he would never even get an interview, so we had to fluff up the experience on paper to at least get his foot in the door. So we did. I spent alot of time helping him with that resume.

But something snapped on Thursday. And I looked at him and started to tell him what an idiot he was or leaving his job, how he is not as good as he thinks he is, how disrespectful he is to his mother, how my daughter deserved better than him, and how he needed to grow up and get his own place. I went on and said lots of things that I shouldn't have lots of things that are none of my business. He ranted back and said some awful things to me, Candice said he was defending himself. One highlight he told me was that I had never even seen his resume, I ask him if he forgot that I wrote it. Oh, but the agency he went to told him to take those things out. Well that's cuz they are marketing him now. He is such an idiot.

I think deep inside I know that if Candice marries this guy, it will be a life of hell. He has a drinking problem, she has even admitted that to me that he doesn't know when to stop. he has already had one DUI. He is disrespectful of his mother, bringing people over late at night to party (now that he is not working) when she has to get up the next day. Once they were at my house for a BBQ and she came into the kitchen and told me he had said she shouldn't be wearing what she had on because it made her look fat. This woman is not fat. Maybe I am trying to protect her.

I apologized. I told Candice I was wrong. She was upset because of what his mom might think of me now. We always did things together as a family, but as he pointed out to me during the tirade, I am not his family. She hung up on me and now is not speaking to me. She is all I have, my niece that I raised as my daughter. Her sister is dead, she is now my best friend. It is killing me that she is so angry with me. It is killing me that I couldn't keep my big mouth shut.

I was wrong, I know that. But I think all of it has been festering for several months. He is an arrogant kid, he needs a swift kick, I suppose I thought I should be the one. Well it was and is non of my business, and now I have alienated my sweet girl. I am sick. I haven't been able to do anything but mope.

I need a hug.

Its Sunday

Its still raining here. We have had rain since Friday, much needed rain. Yesterday it remained cloudy and strayed dry until in the evening when it began to rain again. I like the rain, so I am not complaining, and we need the rain.

Took Jake to the airport yesterday and put him on a plane for home. I always feel so alone when he goes back to school after a break. Today is no exception.

Last night I went to a place called The Summit House in Fullerton fora birthday dinner with D and the Brat. Candice went too which was nice. There were 14 of us, it was a 90th birthday celebration for D's mom, who turned 90. She is amazing for her age. She looks 65 or 70, and is extremely alert and full of piss and vinegar.

I am really hungry for hamburger. So I am sitting here contemplating going out in the rain to do some grocery shopping, that is needed. Then driving through in and out for lunch.

As Time Goes By

I wasn't going to put up a post tonight. But I decided that I should, just because my mind has been whirring all day. With images and dialog about the last 20 years.

Today is the anniversary of my sisters death. The life changing event that brought me back to Southern California, and made me the mother of 3 children at the age of 35 overnight.

But as I thought more about it I realized that several life changing events have occurred over the years. The first being in 1986, my grandfather and father died and I made the decision to move to Lake Tahoe.

The second in 1996 when my sister died, and I had to come back and raise her three children, and the most recent in 2006 when Natalie died and my husband left me.

Here I am now. Its been a long trip.

I also started to convert my archives. Since I took down my other site My-Meadow, I have archives dating back to October of 2001. I want the whole history to be here. my life all in one place. Its neater that way. Don't you think?

Happy New Year

Its hard to believe another year has gone by.

I apologize for not keeping up this past week of the holidays. I was downright ill! I started to get sick Christmas day, and by the 26th I was in bad shape. The doc said it going around and gave me nose spray, cough syrup and throat spray. Rest and fluids. Well after a week of it I am finally feeling semi-human again. It was a nasty bug. My throat still hurts.

I have to go back to the office on the 2nd. So I am hoping I feel lots better by tomorrow.

Christmas was quiet, I overcooked the prime rib. Pissed me off. Oh well. I was sick , and had an excuse.

Tonight it will just me Jake and I D and the brat. I am making some simple chicken cassarole and we will play games and Wii. Drink some champange and probably fall asleep by 10. At least I will!

Almost Christmas

I picked up Jacob today at the airport. He arrived with a backpack of dirty clothes, claiming he forgot all the presents (gift cards) he got, and exhausted from staying up all night. He has this "problem". For some reason the night before he comes home he doesn't sleep. At first I thought it was because he was afraid he would not wake up and miss the shuttle, and he confessed originally that was the reason. But now he wakes up for classes, the alarm actually works, so waking up really shouldn't be a problem. But I think it might be anyway. As for the gifts, I really don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Just having him home safe for the holidays is gift enough. He promptly went out with all his buddies for Ramen. LOL!

I am making meatloaf, baked sweet potatoes and roasted carrots for dinner, I thought Jake might be home, so I wanted him to have some comfort food. I guess D will come over and help me eat it, and Jake will eat leftovers late if he can stay awake!!

I have not started wrapping gifts . I thank God for whomever invented the gift bag. Throw the gift in the bag, add tissue an viola! Its wrapped, no tape no scissors, nada. The only thing is this year I have several presents too big for bags. A Wii, a microwave, and a large box with a fancy pan with a lid. The rest should fit into bags. Hopefully I have enough bags or I will have to resort to wrapping.

Grinchy

I am feeling extremely grouchy the last couple days. I have also had some pretty awful nightmares. Not sure if it’s the holidays, p.m.s., or just life. This year I decided to do nothing for the people at work. I exchange with 2 people here, have for years, so only did that. I used to take my whole staff out for lunch on my dime somewhere nice. But this year I just said forget it, it just seems like a lot of effort that not everyone appreciates. So Bah Humbug.

I think talking to my ex-husband on Monday night probably didn’t help my mood either. He is so nonchalant. Like nothing ever happened. Before he said good-bye he said well I guess I will see you on Sunday when I pick up Jake. Yea right in your dreams! It tortures me to see him, to talk to him. I didn’t want to be divorced; I don’t suppose he gets that. He might move to Hong Kong for a couple years for work, I say please go, the farther the better, less chance of ever having to run into you or talk.

I did finish my Christmas cards. I can’t believe I actually got through that exercise. So everything is done, one gift to buy menus to plan and shop for Christmas Eve and day, then all the gifts to wrap.

I have been giving Daisy her allergy shots very 4 days. It seems like they might be working. She is not licking her paws as much. I hope so, as she really seemed miserable for awhile there.

I am trying to keep up with this site a little more. I think it helps to keep me grounded.

A Noble Tree

Well although the cold turned into a cough I managed to get a tree and "almost" finish my Christmas shopping this weekend. Friday I left the house early to hit the Mall. By the time I left at noon, there was no parking to be found.

I was lucky. I went home with some Udon soup from Whole Foods, and took a nap.

Saturday Candice came over and we went ot buy a tree. All trees and tree stands were sold out at our first stop, out second stop priced the trees as you asked, slimey as far as I was concerned. So we scored a Noble Fir at the third place. I wasn't going to buy a noble, but this one called out to both of us. It was the tree. the first tree in the new house.

Here it is. Oh, and Sprocket too.

A cold

Well I have come down with an awful cold. It was the worst on Wednesday and I stayed home from work and in bed. Today I have a lingering cough, that is requiring cough syrup. I took some at 4:30 am this morning so I could get back to sleep, and when it wore off I went and finished up all my, actually most of my, shopping. I still have to find a couple more things for D.

I am back at home now hacking away and took some more magic syrup. I am thinking if I don't fall asleep I will try and get to work on my Christmas cards.

Christmas Time is Here.....

Notice the little face in the window? I took a photo of the front of the house with a wreath on it to put in my Christmas letter, and noticed that Roscoe wanted to be part of it.

Today I drug out all the Christmas boxes. I am having a hard time finding my Christmas dishes. I have a set of plates and a couple serving platters that are snowflakes I like to use during the season. I packed them during the move, and now I can't find them. I am bummmed cuz I have table cloths to match, and candle holders too. Maybe it was not meant to be. I bought them specifically because they were not to Christmasy, they were blue and white, the ex was Jewish, so it was nice not too have Santa's and stuff. Gee. I hope I can find them.

Got a bunch of shopping done too. Have a couple more on-line purchases and then a few things to pick up and then I have to shop for D and I will be done. He is very hard to buy for, he doesn't want anything, doesn't need anything.

So I am going to go work on my Christmas letter and hope I don't get to depressed writing. it.

Deck the Halls

It is inevitable that this time of year the pressure begins. In the short weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas so much needs to be done. This year I am going to try and not wait until the last minute for much of it. My Holiday Newsletter and Christmas cards will get written and sent by December 9th (I hope), the tree will go up the following weekend (fingers crossed), and any shopping other than on-line will be accomplished also by 12/9 (yea right). I want to enjoy the time around Christmas and not be running around.

I'm pretty good about this if I write lists, then cross things off the lists. perhaps I can accomplish the impossible by the use of a simple list.

Next year I decided that presents should be given as good deeds done for others instead of materialist items. The kids were OK with it, they are old enough and compassionate enough after everything we have gone through to realize how much that type of giving means. I thought that a whole years notice on the changeover would be fair, since all these good deeds have to be done during the year to be given on Christmas.

To me all the commercialism during the holidays is such a turn off. Give me a pretty tree, a Christmas classic on TV or some carols, a drive though the neighborhood to look at lights, or baking some cookies any day over a bounty of presents under the tree.

Gobble Gobble

Well the final count for thanksgiving was 19. I had a 27 pound bird. It was too much, but the school of thought ranges from 1 pound per person to 1 ½ pounds per person, even thought I had 2 vegetarians, I had 6 20 something and teenage boys who eat like there is no tomorrow, so I didn’t want to be running out of turkey.

It was more than enough; I had lots of leftovers for the next night and still have too much in my fridge. I will either have to throw it away or freeze what I can.

I am back at the office after a week off that was really nice. At least with Jake home I actually did stuff, and didn’t sleep all day. I accomplished enough during the week, including cooking for the mob, to feel like the rest I did get was warranted.

Been thinking about Nat a lot. Tonight the wind was blowing outside; when she was little she used to be afraid of the wind. If the windows or sliding glass was open while it was winding, as she called it, she wanted it closed and would close them. During the summer months in Tahoe it drove me nuts, but it’s winding Aunt Ann.

There were some very severe wind storms that would knock out power and trees that really frightened her. It lasted until she was an adult, and still unconsciously would shut the windows when the wind started blowing.

So goes the holidays. They will only get worse, Barbara’s birthday the 9th, then the holidays, Barbara’s death date 1/2, Nats 2/1. Not to mention all the holly and ivy in between.

Amazing

I just want all of you to know, that knowing you are there is a tremendous help. A relief, seeing those comments helps me to realize that I' not alone, and I am normal.

This are busy now that Jake is home, and oh how nice it is to have him home. I have been more motivated in the last 2 days since he arrived, than in the last 2 months!

I've been making him home cooked meals, I hit the Farmers market with Candice and a couple other people on Saturday morning. That was fun, everyone was doing their Thanksgiving produce shopping, and yesterday I even went to the nursery, a project I have been putting off for months, to pick up some plants for a large planter in the front of the house. I was tired last night after buzzing around all day.

Today Candice is having her annual pre-thanksgiving thanksgiving. For the last few years, probably 4, she has had a party the day before thanksgiving at her little place. Usually about 20 people, a pot luck. But it is fun and cozy. This year she decided to switch the day since everyone is to hung over Thanksgiving morning (LOL) and some of her friends are going away for the holiday. This is much better, late afternoon today. So there won't be the after party down at the local watering hole.

Looks like I will be having 17 for Thanksgiving. Thats soo cool. The last years I see my family fall apart, yet somehow I created a bigger one.

I hope the blues don't hit when Jake goes back to school. I think I am just lonely half the time.

It's all surreal

It’s been a long week at work, even though Monday was actually a holiday. I had a bad cold last weekend, so going back to work still kinds sick, took its toll on me. Plus there were so many meetings and a lot of snark to deal with.

I need to post more. Sometimes, I write a post in my head, just to get it out. It helps, sometimes I feel as if I am afraid to write down these feelings. That they will start and the flood will finally come. I am not ready for the flood. I am dealing with individual things.

Like the fact I really miss Natalie right now. She hated turkey and so at least 2 weeks before Thanksgiving she would start her speech about how we should have ham instead. She would whine, and beg, and find me coupons for ham. Anything please but no turkey! We always had turkey and she ate lots of mashed potatoes.

I also miss being married, I don’t miss the asshole, but I miss the traditions. Baking pies on Wednesday night and drinking champagne. Over the years we actually came up with our own recipe for bourbon pecan pie that is quite good. I also miss the company, the physical body.

It’s fair, its expected, I am allowed.

Actually I realized that since last year and much of this was so chaotic I never grieved my losses. It’s a lot of work to grieve, so now that I don’t have the distractions of going through a divorce, the sale of a house, the purchase of a house, 3 surgeries, not to mention burying Nat. Now that life is clicking along, it starts to come forward. That’s why when I start to write, like now, the tears start too. Cuz I guess I really need to cry.

I also miss my-meadow. I took it down finally, 6 years I have been writing here and there. I want to convert the archives, but have no energy to do so. I have them to read when I need to. I suppose it is quite a story these last 6 years. It really does seem surreal.

But it’s my story, and someday someone will read it that cares. I know after my dad and grandpa and sister died anything I could find that would give me a story about them that I didn’t know was cherished. I have kept calendars that were my sister just because she had silly notes, doodles and quotes on them. I found a diary that Natalie had and some of my father’s drawings. These are things that tell me about them, things that they would never share.

I am sharing with the world, but no one is really listening.

My Horoscpe today

If you are feeling stuck in a rut in your life right now, one of the most effective things you can do is let go of any grudges you've been holding -- it will feel like you just attached one hundred helium balloons to your soul. Holding on to memories of how you were wronged isn't going to make things right again. The only way that can possibly happen is if you find some silver lining in that cloud. Move forward, and leave the wrongdoers in your past where they belong.

Six years

On October 14 it was my 6 year blogging anniversary. I meant to write that day, to talk about what has happened over that time, but I couldn't bring myself to rehash some of those events. And I can't now either. I will say that I have abandoned my-meadow.com, it will go offline on October 31st, and this will be my only site, other than Daisys blog. I will eventually attempt to convert the archives over, but I am not sure when that will happen.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Fall, autumn, whatever you call it is my most favorite time of the year. The weather starts to change, the leaves start to fall, the evenings warrant a blanket, or a sweatshirt. In Tahoe I loved them even more. Brisk, windy, colors, frost, the smell of the fireplace. But I no longer live there, so I will have to learn to love southern California Fall. The owls start to hoot in the evening, I love this. At the other house, I could see them because of the view, roosting. When they would hoot, their little butts would push up, and they would lean forward and really get into it. I still have the image in my mind, so the sound is enough. The acorns on the oak trees fall, when the wind blows it sounds like hail on the roof! The big ring neck doves love them, so do the squirrels and the deer. I am fortunate to live in an area where I actually see more wildlife than I did in Tahoe. I wish it would rain.

BTW. I didn't so the boot camp. I talked t the trainer at length, I was worried about my bad knee which needs TLC in Yoga class. He didn't recommend it, but thought that a personal trainer 3 times a week could accomplish the same results. So now way right now. I will

Commitments

I am thinking about doing this. It starts on Monday and it is from 6-7 Monday-Friday for 4 weeks. The program is actually 6 weeks, but I am signing up late. Actually I think I can stomach 4 weeks to start with, if it works and I like it I will do 6 more weeks maybe. I am kind of nervous; I haven’t committed to do anything like this for a long time, at least by choice. I think it will be good for me. Perhaps I will lose some weight, god knows I need to do that, and gain a little self esteem, and actually feel better once the soreness wears off, if it ever does.

Another Day

I have not been writing much lately. Not sure what is up not motivated. I was in downtown LA for a few days on jury duty, actually got selected as an alternate on a 3 week trial, it was settled the first day. In a way I kinda wanted it to last the whole 3 weeks, it would have been a nice change of pace for me. I was riding the train into downtown, walking all over at lunch time. I had plans to visit the Cathedral, Disney concert hall, china town and Olvera Street during my lunch excursions. Ridng the train was so nice, and it dropped me off across the street from the courthouse! No stress from traffic. So my plans were erased, and I am back to the grind at work, with a bunch of idiots. Thank god my staff are at least good people.

I thought a complete change of pace for the time during the trial would be so good for me. I dd not have to leave for the train until about 8, so I could get up and walk in the morning. Explore a bit during the day, and ride the train home in the evening. I meet a couple of interesting people on the jury. A woman who was a library director for a college, a retired black guy from pasadena who was very nice. I was hoping to get to know them better. Oh well.

This possible experience kinda makes me wonder if I decided to take 2 weeks off from work and force some type of routine on myself that is different, how it might make a change for me. I mean I am such a recluse now. I mean walking to get coffee with the dogs every morning, perhaps exploring downtown on the train, or other local spots in the afternoon, I guess evenings will be the same. My worry is that I will take 2 weeks off and sleep the whole time.